Why Can't They Leave Us Alone?

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Dealing With Our Persecutors

We Mormons are a humble people. We work at our jobs, raise our children, worship in our ward houses, and quietly go about our lives. We bear ill will toward no one, respect the rights of others, and mind our own business.

Nevertheless, we find ourselves on the receiving end of an endless string of crude jokes, tasteless humor, and mean-spirited portrayals that depict us as arrogant, shallow, and self-righteous.

Why can't people just leave us alone?

Sadly, the answer to that question is obvious:

1. They're jealous.
Face it, who wouldn't be? When they compare our fulfilling and joyous lives with their hellish experience, it's only natural.

2. They're bored.
When's the last time you met a non-member who actually had a life? While we're going to church, doing our home teaching and visiting teaching, cleaning the ward toilets, and otherwise standing for righteousness, they're spending their time watching porn and chugging malt liquor.When the liquor finally runs out, they've no other option than to pick on the poor defenseless Mormons who've never done a thing to them.

3. They're bigots.
Prejudice is a fact of life. Always has been. Always will be. Why else would the biggest hit on Broadway right now be a show that makes fun of a religion? To the closed minded nothing is sacred, except, of course, their own narrow opinions.

So how do we react to our persecutors? There's nothing easier. Ignore them. Don't give them the satisfaction of a response. Nothing irritates an anti-Mormon more than the existence of a happy Mormon going about his or her business.

And there is plenty to keep us busy this month. Mark the following on your calendars:

Saturday, July 16, 7:00 AM -- The kick-off of our Tracting Out Abbottsville Missionary Extravaganza! Over the course of 4 weeks we'll team up with the full-time missionaries and canvass the neighborhoods. Our goal is to knock on every non-member's door in town and place a Book of Mormon with each. (Remember, if a gay couple answers the door, politely thank them then quickly move on.)

Tuesday, July 19, 7:30 PM -- Abbottsville City Council Meeting. As always we urge all stake members to join the "Mormon Bloc" dedicated to pressuring the Council to ban gay marriage, disallow any more Starbucks franchises, eliminate sex education and biology from the high school curriculum, and shut down as many bars as possible.

Thursday, July 21, 6:00 AM -- Stake Relief Society/Young Women's Kidnap Breakfast for the Less Actives. Rather than wait for the inactive sisters and girls to come to us, we'll surprise them by sneaking into their bedrooms, dragging them outside in their pajamas, stuffing them in the car, and taking them to breakfast at the Abbottsville IHOP. (Meet at 5:30 AM in the stake parking lot, disperse in separate cars.)

Saturday, July 21, 8:00 PM -- Opening Night for the Abbottsville Stake production of Nunsense!! Don't miss this hilarious romp featuring everyone's favorite cut-up, Brother Moose McKay, in the roll of Sister Mary Amnesia.

Tuesday, July 27, 5:00-9:00 PM -- Abbottsville Stake Fund-Raising Activity. Dennis Newsome, the advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council, will be converting his living and dining room into a call center for the Romney campaign. (Note the location has been changed from the stake center to Brother Newsome's house in order to avoid the erroneous assumption that the LDS Church in any way endorses political candidates.)

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send you your very own Testimony Glove.

LDS Church Public Affairs Wants YOU!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Members needed for LDS Public Affairs

We Mormons have taken some hits lately. First the Romney presidential campaign drew a barrage of questions that stumped LDS leaders, embarrassed members, and rendered the former governor incapable of composing a straight answer. At the same time, we were persecuted by left-wing extremists who claimed that our inspired leaders in Utah had no business telling Californians whom they could marry. Then Hollywood produced a film that exposed the Mormons as the perpetrators of the Mountain Meadows Massacre. -- This after years of the Church successfully blaming the Indians. Add to that, HBO created the hit show, Big Love, based on the false premise that polygamy has been practiced in Utah, and that the Mormons have had something to do with it.

In the wake of this firestorm of negative and unfair press, the Brethren have humbly and prayerfully discussed how the LDS Church can improve its relations with the non-Mormon community, and soften its image to the public. Their solution? Pass the responsibility on to the members, of course. Hence the creation of the exciting new Church Public Affairs Committee. That's right, brothers and sisters, thanks to your inspired leaders, now every member is a publicist!

President Knightly and I are in the beginning stages of staffing our Stake Public Affairs Council. In the meantime, here are some things each and every one of you can do.

Start with your neighbors.
When you see your neighbor in his front yard, don't just ignore him as usual. Say "hi," make small talk, invite him to your house for a church approved, yet sophisticated beverage. (Fizzy water with a lime wedge is nice, as is an attractive service of herbal tea.) Then steer the conversation to church promoting topics, such as your monogamous marriage, or the King James Version of the Bible. Be aware that non-members make friends differently than members, that is, over a period of time, based on common interests, and with no hidden agenda. Quickly find out what he likes to do, learn to do whatever that is, and don't invite him out to church. (Yet.) Also, next time you borrow his power saw, return it.

Share your talents.

We all received gifts in the Pre-Existence, right? Now is the time to tell the world. Don't worry about developing a real talent. Fortunately today's market no longer requires that. Anything that will land you a spot on reality TV should do the trick, such as singing, dancing, an ability to eat things that turn people's stomachs, or a personality so shallow and vapid that others will find you amusing.

Prepare yourself for interviews with the press.
As we become more visible in society, there will be the inevitable inquiries from the media. In anticipation of this, the church has comprised a list of approved journalists who respect our beliefs, share our values, and are not obsessed with the facts. But even the most sympathetic interviewer may not be able to translate our jargon to a non-member audience. What means one thing to us, may mean an entirely different thing to the world. Memorize the following substitutions:
ward  --  local congregation
bishop  --  local ecclesiastical leader
elder  --  19 year old boy
the Lord's university  --  BYU
the Lord's senator  --  Orrin Hatch
the anti-Christ  --  Secretary Clinton
whiny, bitter ingrates -- former Mormons
truth  --  opinion
revelation  --  opinion
testimony  --  opinion
persecution  --  opinion
apologetics  --  lies
prophet, seer, and revelator  --  chief executive officer
church  --  corporation


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you need a translator.

Mormons Party on Sunday!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: What Sister Loomis missed at the Ex-Mormon Superbowl Party

Our gathering was indeed in full swing when the ex-Mormon who called herself  "Lily Moomis" sauntered up my steps in her thigh high boots, zebra skirt and feather boa. Fortunately, we saw her coming in time for the guests from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward to hide in my basement. Hate to say it but Millie's disguise needed a little work. So did her presentation. Right off we noticed the following red flags:

Ex-Mormons don't have garments peeking through the black mesh of our fishnet tights.

We don't all want to "shake it like a Polaroid picture."

Our tattoos don't smear.

An ex-Mormon probably wouldn't have asked Tanya if she was a "real Jew."

We honestly do have more than "one thing" on our minds.

And for the gazillionth time no, we're not going to make you play Twister in the nude, or force you into any other kind of sexual performance. (By the way, it's Kama Sutra not Cacca Putrid.)

While Millie certainly contributed to the festivities, for the sake our guests from the Abbottsville Fourth, we quickly frightened her away so that everybody could come back upstairs and watch the Superbowl. And what a game it was, thanks to good food, good company, and a healthy dose of free agency.

Afterward, Jerry took the priesthood holders up to the "man den," offered them their choice of beverage, turned on the post game, and taught them to repeat, "Life is good." Andrew and Tanya led the Stake Single Adults into my living room, where they sang them through an "R" rated version of The Hokey Pokey. And the Relief Society went downstairs and watched Big Love. We concluded the following: 1. Bill is much sexier now that he's morphed into Mitt Romney. 2. We love Margene for alerting people to the needs of nymphomaniacs. 3. We suspect that Tommy might be a vampire. That scene in the sweat lodge -- you could tell he wanted to suck Barb's blood. 4. Teeny is headed for a break down.

Eventually we closed without a prayer and without any regrets over missing Fast and Testimony Meeting. Do remember, my dear friends from the Abbottsville Fourth, that we get together every month. I will send a reminder. Oh! I will also send a case of Mike's Hard Lemonade to Millie Loomis. Lord knows it can only do her good.