Traditional Marriage -- Mormon Style

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Delores Souter
Subject: Book Signing at Souter Formal Wear

A record crowd showed up last night to hear Sister Lucinda Wooley Featherstone Richards. She read the following excerpt from her recent best seller, Thinking Outside the Cultural Hall: Creating the Eternal LDS Wedding Experience:


Too often, LDS wedding receptions have the atmosphere of a church pot-luck, with the greediest and least deserving rushing into the Cultural Hall, swarming the refreshment table and pigging out, only to leave the gentle folk with barely a handful of stale mints. Such an environment is hardly conducive to the spirit of reverence such a sacred event demands. I prefer a more organized approach to mixing and mingling, where each guest is rewarded fairly, and is guaranteed the comfort zone of his or her peers.


All wedding seating plans were devised in the Pre-Existence. With that in mind, I suggest that dinner guests be divided and served in the following manner:


Mormon Royalty
General Authorities
Relatives of General Authorities
Descendants of the first Utah pioneers, 1847-48
  Serve 3 courses on the Cultural Hall stage.


Mormon Elite
Descendants of handcart companies and other post-Gold Rush groups
LDS Celebrities
 "     Athletes
 "     Billionaires
 "     Republican Politicians
Obnoxious LDS talk show hosts
Gladys Knight
People we are trying to convert to Mormonism
  Serve 2 courses in the front section of the Cultural Hall.


Common Everyday Mormons
We may not know their names or faces, but we sure know their works. These are the folks who run the nursery, teach Sunday school, deliver casseroles, help members move, lend us their pick-ups, man the ward car wash, and baby-sit our kids. It is only fair that these beloved workaholics be alloted a tasty and relaxing meal, before they have to kick back into gear and clean up after the reception.
  Serve an entree in the rear section of the Cultural Hall.


Recent Converts
Members who joined less than 20 years ago. (Except for those that qualify for Elite status.)
  Serve a dinner salad in the foyer.


People of Color!
Since we are a world church, it is important that we celebrate our diversity with a separate section for our People of Color!
Blacks
Latinos
Polynesians
Native Americans
Asians
Eastern Europeans
"New York Types"
Priesthood holders wearing off-white shirts and loud ties.
  Serve PB&J's in the kitchen.


Alternative Lifestyles
Includes but is not limited to:
Non-members
Less Active members
Singles
Working moms
Stay at home dads
Families with less than 5 kids
Democrats
Members without temple recommends and/or Costco cards
  Serve Cheerios in the Primary Room


People Who Flaunt Themselves 
Like it or not, they will always be with us.
Feminists
Gays
Intellectuals
  Group should be monitored by LDS security team. (I like Big Beefy Tongans, Inc.)
  Serve mixed nuts in the parking lot. (Burgers for the Tongans.)

After dinner all guests may gather in the Cultural Hall for an equally meted out square of wedding cake, symbolizing that as members of His church, we are all equal before God. (Additional Beefy Tongans may be needed to secure this event.)
_______

Signed copies of Thinking Outside the Cultural Hall are available at Souter Formal Wear. Sister Wooley Featherstone Richards' previous book, Knowing Your Place: A Guide to Relief Society Seating Charts is in stock as well. Watch your e-mail for upcoming events!


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A Word from the Stake President -- I Understand Your Concerns

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: President Knightly
Subject: Your Concerns

As I said in our emergency meeting last Sunday, I know that the forty-plus members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward who played hooky on Fast (so-called "Superbowl") Sunday did so in part because of some disappointment and confusion over the demands of our faith. For this reason, I invited you to submit questions to me via e-mail. As promised, I have considered your concerns prayerfully and endeavored to answer you with the honesty and respect you deserve.

Dear President Knightly,
I am a gay man. I've tried to change, but it's no use. I feel my only choice is to divorce my wife, leave the Church and live an authentic life. Do you have any suggestions?
  Sincerely, Name Withheld
Dear Brother Name Withheld,
Authenticity is overrated. Consider how it looks. Latter-day Saints are instructed to avoid the appearance of evil, which in your case means posing as a happily married man who pays tithing, attends church, does his home teaching, attends the temple, votes Republican, and biannually impregnates his wife. This is not to say that the LDS Church is homophobic. Your inspired leaders invite you to acknowledge your same-sex attraction, embrace it even. In fact, go ahead and celebrate your gayness. -- But keep it all inside. And for gosh sakes don't try to kiss any of us.

Dear President Knightly,
I am the president of my middle school class, an honor student, a hall monitor, and captain of my girls' field hockey team. But when I turn twelve next month, I won't qualify to pass the sacrament in church, but my twin brother will. Can you explain? It doesn't seem fair to me.
  Thanks in advance for your answer! Missy Compton
Dear Missy,
Because girls get to have babies, and boys don't, and that's not fair.

Dear President Knightly,
Why should I pay tithing to a church that doesn't report its finances?
  Sincerely, Brother Selfish
Dear Brother Selfish,
For your protection, of course! Think about it, do you really want the members of the Elders' Quorum knowing how much tithing you pay? How about your employees, or the IRS, or your estranged wife's divorce attorney? For the good of all, what happens in Salt Lake City should stay in Salt Lake City.

Dear President Knightly,
Much is said over the pulpit about gay men. But what have our priesthood leaders to say to us women who live with same-sex attraction?
  Name Withheld
Dear Sister Name Withheld,
I don't understand your premise.

Dear President Knightly,
I recently read a scholarly work that documented Joseph Smith's plural marriages to underage girls and other men's wives. Why doesn't the Church condemn this despicable chapter in our history?
  Margaret Spencer
Dear Sister Spencer,
I fail to understand why any church member, especially a sweet sister, can waste her time studying and thinking her way out of a testimony. I suggest you put down your book, pick up your needlework, and remember how special your visiting teacher is.

Dear President Knightly,
My doctor suggested I drink green tea to help lower my cholesterol and regulate my bowels. Is it OK to follow his advice?
  Delores Souter
Dear Sister Souter,
Yes. So long as nobody sees you.

Dear President Knightly,
My family left the Mormon Church ten years ago. Is there any way I can get the ward members to quit calling, writing, dropping by, peeking in our windows, and bringing us nut loaf?
  Brother Confused
Dear Brother Confused,
Not really, no.

My dear friends in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, I hope this exercise demonstrates how much I truly care for each and every one of you. You had concerns, I listened. You had questions, I answered them. Now it's time for you to do your part. In short, gird your loins, quit your belly-aching, and get your lazy duffs back to church.

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More Temple Wedding Tips

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Delores Souter
Subject: Book Signing at Souter Formal Wear

The Abbottsville Stake Young Women lined up early outside of Souter's Bridal and Formal Wear for a chance to hear LDS wedding coordinator, Randy Johnson.  Brother Johnson did not disappoint. Thanks to his valuable advice, every Mormon girl in Abbottsville may look forward to the wedding of her dreams.

The following is a portion of the chapter he read from his new book, Queen for an Eternity:

In addition to proper attire and hairstyle, the clever temple bride should practice for the dressing and undressing ritual she will perform in the temple. Understand that all of the people attending your temple ceremony, including the groom, will have probably been through this routine before. Be prepared for them to slide in and out of their clothing like a G-rated version of the Chippendale dancers, then turn to disparage your clumsy attempts. Given the secrecy that surrounds the temple, I have long been at a loss to suggest an activity that might prepare a girl for this exercise. Then, last month when I was on a cross-country flight from Salt Lake to Boise, I had an epiphany while watching the flight attendant demonstrate the safety features on the aircraft. The flight attendant, Phred, turned out to be incredibly friendly and agreed to help me with a little play-acting. I was the new bride and he was a version of the bossy voice that booms from the speakers during the temple session.
   
Phred: Sister Johnson, put on your airline blanket.


I took the blanket from the arm rest and tied it around my waist.


Phred: Sister Johnson, remove your blanket and take off your shoes. Put your life vest on backwards, tie your oxygen mask around your waist in the back, put your blanket back on, open your in-flight magazine to page sixteen and stick it on your head, then put your shoes on.


Oh my heck, that was quite a bit to follow. But having been to the temple on numerous occasions, I managed to do all of this the first time through. Don't feel bad if it takes you a few times to get it right.


Phred: OK Sister Johnson, now I want you to take it all off, your shoes, blanket, mask, vest and magazine. Then put your life vest on in the right position, tie your oxygen mask around your waist in the front, put your blanket back on, turn your magazine to page forty and stick it on your head, then put on your shoes.


I must admit that in spite of my experience, my execution of these tasks was considerably less deft, thanks in part to a sudden burst of turbulence that caused me to careen on top of Phred and accidentally inflate my life vest. But don't worry, this probably won't happen in the temple.


Now, I want to say a few words about the temple recommend interview. In order to receive your pass to get into the temple, you will be required to submit to a one-on-one interview with your bishop. Sometimes sisters are uncomfortable with the intrusive questions their bishop asks. Luckily, I don't have that problem. I'm happy to answer to the bishop, and in detail. In fact, I'm still confused about an experience I had recently. I arrived for my yearly interview at the appointed time, but instead of inviting me into his office, the bishop slapped a new recommend in my hand, then hurried out of the building. I don't know why he did that. And he hasn't returned my calls.


At any rate, I understand that many sisters are embarrassed to sit alone in a room with a man whom they barely know and discuss kissing, fondling, intercourse, orgasms, erections, and masturbation. The best advice I can offer is to remember that your bishop is only talking to you about these things because he has been called of God to protect and preserve your moral dignity.

To order any of Brother Johnson's books, or sign up for his "Cross Country Temple Preparation Flight," visit his website at www.therandyjohnson.com. Also, be sure to watch your e-mail for more events at Abbottsville Bridal and Formal Wear.



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A Word from the Stake President -- To the Stake Single Adults

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: President Mitchell Knightly
Subject: Swinging Seventies Party

As your stake president, I have spent many an hour on my knees begging the Lord to find suitable leaders for the Abbottsville Stake Single Adults. He has so far delivered five couples to fill that position. However, in spite of being called by God, none have held the job for longer than a month. Up until now, I have done my best to understand.

When Brother Turley used a cattle prod to force the men onto the dance floor, I released him. Likewise when Sister Souter wanted the women to model those ridiculous rubber wedding gowns. I also agreed that Brother and Sister Mayes had no business hauling you to their farm to pick apples under the guise of a hay ride. Furthermore, because you seemed offended, I closed the breast implant and tummy tuck booth at the Stake Singles' Convention, and I made participation in this year's "Single Adult Trick-or-Treat at the Mall" optional. For the better part of a year, I have listened to your complaints, ceded to your endless demands and tipped-toed around your tender egos. But no more. Not after I received Ricky's email.

He and Mindy planned a wonderful event for you. A fun theme party where you could mix, mingle and hopefully meet the eternal companion that would ensure your salvation. And how do you thank him? With malicious sarcasm and crude jokes.You who have known little Ricky all of his life. His primary teachers, scout leaders, his pediatrician. Even his own mother. Does nobody remember how adorable he was as the dancing Pop-Tart in the road show some years back?

Since then, Ricky has grown from boy to man, and the mantle of priesthood authority has settled securely onto his shoulders. He deserves your obedience and respect. None of you should consider yourselves on a par Ricky and Mindy Foote. After all, if you were, you would be married.

Brother and Sister Foote are your Single Adults Leaders. I expect you to humbly follow their council. That way, I can devote my time to the deserving members of the stake, who, unlike you, are hard-working married people with responsibilities.

The Swinging Seventies Party will go on as planned. The aforementioned rules apply, and role will be taken at the onset of the Funky Chicken Soul Train line.

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Temple Wedding Tips

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Delores Souter
Subject: Book Signing at Souter's Bridal Formal Wear

Brother Souter and I are pleased to announce that Brother Randy Johnson is coming to our salon to sign copies of his newest book about temple marriage, Queen for an Eternity. For those who don't know him:


Randy Johnson owns and operates a successful event planning business in Salt Lake City. While a confirmed bachelor, Brother Johnson claims to love nothing more than a festive Mormon wedding reception, and, as his clients will attest, he is expert at pulling them off. He has also achieved local celebrity for his signature “Randy” bachelor parties, costume theme bridal showers, and his ever popular “elders only” missionary reunions. Check out his website at www.therandyjohnson.com.

The following is an excerpt from Queen for an Eternity:


A temple marriage is the dream of every good Mormon girl. Believe me, I know. The key to making it truly special is preparation. Never was this more clear than at my dear cousin Rae Ann’s wedding. She was blissfully happy when she and Rulon announced their engagement at the ward pot luck. Then three weeks later on her wedding day, she posed for pictures on Temple Square looking like a half-crazed, exhausted mess. Her hair was disheveled, her gown in a wrinkled wad, makeup melted down her face, and her mind was so confused that all she could do was mutter “that will do,” over and over again. Oh girlfriends, don’t let this happen to you!


We all know that talking about the temple ceremony is taboo. But for the sake of you girls, I’m going to be a teensy bit naughty and let you in on a few things. First of all, the bulk of the endowment ceremony is spent dressing and undressing. Oops! Don’t get the wrong idea. All of this accessorizing is done over your wedding gown. Consequently the smart bride wears a dress made out of sturdy, wrinkle-free fabric. Consider the following alternatives to the conventional silk and satin: canvas, fleece, rubber, corduroy, Kevlar, wicker or burlap. A number of my clients have been pleased with the selection of fabrics at Wasatch Tent and Awning. Say “I want a Randy temple dress,” and receive a ten percent discount.


Now, about your hair. In the temple, you will be required to wear a restrictive veil that will undermine all of your attempts at stylish coiffure. Again, I’m not allowed to show you a picture, but imagine a tight shower cap with half of the shower curtain hanging off of it. Combat the situation by wearing your hair in a ballet bun, always appropriate for the virginal Mormon bride. I then recommend the application of my own hair gel. You may purchase it off my website,www.therandyjohnson.com. Or make it yourself by combining common ingredients found in mom’s kitchen or dad’s garage. Mix together equal parts of the following: raw eggs, honey, car wax, shellac and dissolved lemon Jell-O (for color.) Let stand at room temperature for ten minutes, then add a pinch of cement. Apply to your hair with a disposable foam paint brush, then gently blow dry on low heat. Low heat is essential, and I must emphasize that under no circumstance can you expose yourself to even the smallest spark or flame. (Sorry, this means I must veto any candlelit tub soaks on your honeymoon. It cuts the romance I know. But you wouldn’t want to spontaneously combust at a crucial moment.)


Does it work? Don’t take my word for it. LaVay Meeks of Draper, UT wrote, "Dear Brother Johnson, One application of your hair gel and I was set not just for the temple ceremony, but also for our honeymoon on the Bonneville Salt Flats. For the entire week, every hair stayed in place, and I was able to test drive high speed experimental vehicles without a helmet."

Needless to say, all temple-brides-to-be can not afford to miss this once in a lifetime literary event. Also, Brother Souter and I have ordered the above fabrics from Wasatch Tent and Awning, and will have samples on display.

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