Ho Ho Ho! Now Pay Your Tithing (Again)

Note to my dear Readers: this post was originally published on December 28, 2009 when the only people reading my blog were either family members or people who owed me money. I trotted it out for a second run in the hope that more might enjoy it. Also so Mark and I can spend the day celebrating our 32nd wedding anniversary. Enjoy and happy holidays!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Mission Leader, H. LaVar Turley
Subject: The blessings of tithing

Less Actives can be so selfish. Always carping about tithing. Claiming it's too expensive and they can't afford it, even inventing delusional complaints about church finances. Some pay only five percent, some none at all. At times we're tempted to leave them to their sinful choice. After all it's theirs to make. But here's the thing. No investment is more important than Heavenly Father's tithe. Consider how the Less Active squanders the Lord's due: designer clothes, sports cars, and boozy marathons in front of the porn channel. Face it, he's selfish, and in need of spiritual repair. So when I learned that a number of Less Actives have yet to sign up for tithing settlement, I thought, it's a cry for help.

The following exchange occurred in the living room of one such Less Active:

Me: Good evening Brother Selfish. I've brought my wife's famous nut loaf.

I set the gift on his coffee table.

Brother Selfish: You didn't come here to give me nut loaf. You want me to pony up the dough, and if I refuse, the bishop won't let me in the temple for my only daughter's wedding. It's blackmail, that's what it is.

Me: Oh you! I would never suggest such a thing. I merely want to testify of the many ways paying a full tithe can bless your life.

Brother Selfish: Like losing my house? That's what'll happen if I don't make the mortgage this month.

Me: Brother Selfish, you need to have more faith. The Lord will provide. In the mean time, the ward can put you up at the Pine Cone Motel.

Brother Selfish: I don't want to stay in that dump.

Me: But Brother, the church picked it up for a song. We're renovating it to house members in need. A boy from the third ward has taken it on as his Eagle Scout project.

Brother Selfish: Great. And what am I supposed to eat?

I nudge the nut loaf in his direction. He rolls his eyes.

Brother Selfish: I'm also behind on my taxes. If I don't pay them now, I could go to prison.

Me: This is serious indeed. But look on the bright side. It would solve your housing problem. And in the final analysis, which would you prefer -- federal prison or Spirit Prison? Anyway, aren't you bothered by the way the government wastes your money?

Brother Selfish: At least I know how it wastes it. I've no idea what the LDS Church does with my tithing, it doesn't report its finances.

Me: You expect the Lord to report His finances? Would you expect Him to report when He plans the next earthquake, flood, or heat wave?

Brother Selfish: No. I just want to know what He does with my money.

Me: Why you're implying that you don't trust the Lord. That you don't trust His church. That you think Joseph Smith made the whole thing up. That the LDS Church is a big fraud that promises eternal life in exchange for bilking people out of their savings. Like one of those miracle skin creams.

Brother Selfish: You mean the kind those young, perky people sell door to door?

Me: Exactly!

I set the tithing envelope on the table next to the nut loaf.

Brother Selfish: I know one thing the church is doing with my money. They're tearing down historic structures to build that ostentatious commercial mecca next to temple square in Salt Lake.

Me: Isn't it marvelous! The City Creek development will include shopping, theaters, restaurants and condominiums. Everything to make our church headquarters the shining beacon it has become.

Brother Selfish: Uh-huh. So if I pay my tithing, do I get a discount at the mall?

I burst out laughing. He falls silent.

Me: Only the mall in heaven.

I laugh a little more, sober then meet his eyes. My heart brims with compassion.

Me: I understand your only daughter is set to marry in the Oakland temple this spring.

Brother Selfish: Why you miserable @#$%ing little piece of $*^%.

He pulls his checkbook from his pocket. I supply him with a pen.

Me: Don't forget to include ten percent of Sister Selfish's income.

Brother Selfish: She died last May.

Me: Which was within the Lord's fiscal year. Wouldn't want her waiting outside the pearly gates, postage due.

Brother Selfish: Don't push it, ^%$-face.

He signs the check then sends it kiting across the room. I grab for it once, twice, then finally nab it before it floats behind the couch.

Me: Have a happy New Year.

Brother Selfish: Get the ^%$ out of my house.

I sing a cheery too-da-loo and march triumphantly through the door. It slams behind me.


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, take it up with Brother Turley when he visits.

Stake President Addresses The Members' Concerns

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: President Knightly
Subject: Your Concerns

Some of you have expressed disappointment and confusion over the demands of our faith. For this reason, I invited you to submit questions to me via e-mail. As promised, I have considered your concerns prayerfully and endeavored to answer you with the honesty and respect you deserve.

Dear President Knightly,
  I am a gay man. I've tried to change, but it's no use. I feel my only choice is to leave the Church and live an authentic life. Do you have any suggestions?
  Sincerely, Name Withheld
Dear Brother Name Withheld,
  Authenticity is overrated, and it is not your only choice. You can also marry a nice Mormon girl, stay in the church, and forget that you're gay. Face it, you'll be so busy paying tithing, going to church, doing home teaching, attending the temple, doing genealogy, and scrubbing the ward toilets, you won't have a spare minute to think about sex. Ask any married man in the stake and he'll tell you. -- You only have to squeeze it in once, biannually, in order to impregnate the little woman. 

Dear President Knightly,

  I am employed as a mail carrier. Sometimes, in the grueling heat of summer, I wear normal underwear to work. That's okay, isn't it?

  Thank you, Brother Bacon

Dear Brother Bacon,

  It most certainly is not okay, and I hereby advise all LDS households on your route to keep an eye out for your underwear lines! The only time a temple worthy member may go without his garments is during sports, while bathing, briefly during sex, or if he is starring in an And I'm a Mormon advertisement.

Dear President Knightly,

  Much is said over the pulpit about gay men. But what have our priesthood leaders to say to us women who live with same-sex attraction?
  Name Withheld
Dear Sister Name Withheld,
  I don't understand your premise.

Dear President Knightly,

  I am in love with a man who is not LDS. Marrying him would fulfill my wildest dreams. Can we please be together?

  Sincerely, Sister Stacy Bright

Dear Sister Bright,

  Of course you can! So long as he joins the church, pays tithing, goes to all his church meetings, does his home teaching, attends the temple, does his genealogy, and scrubs the ward toilets, you may marry and have your wildest dreams fulfilled.**

  **Once every other year.

Dear President Knightly,

  Is it okay if I take a break from paying tithing so we can repair the family station wagon? It's the only way our family of 7 will be able to take a little trip this summer.
  Sincerely, Brother Hamm
Dear Brother Hamm,
  You don't need to repair the station wagon. Just pack the wife and the camping equipment into your commuter compact, rent one of those jumbo airtight storage containers, and strap the kids to the roof. Problem solved! 


Dear President Knightly,

  My family left the Mormon Church ten years ago. Is there any way I can get the ward members to quit calling, writing, dropping by, peeking in our windows, and bringing us nut loaf?

  Brother Confused

Dear Brother Confused,

  Not really, no.

My dear friends in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, I hope this exercise demonstrates how much I truly care for each and every one of you. You had concerns, I listened. You had questions, I answered them. Now it's time for you to do your part. In short, gird your loins, quit your belly-aching, and get your lazy duffs back to church.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we refer you to President Knightly's response to Brother Confused.

LDS Less Active Endures Guidance Session

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: H. LaVar Turley, Ward Mission Leader
Subject: Guiding the less active

Less Actives are so misguided. Always refusing to follow our lead. Sometimes we're tempted to blow them off, and leave them to their wandering. But here's the thing. Nobody with any sense of direction leaves the one and only true church. Consider the reason the Less Active lost his way in the first place: some minor personal slight, a delusional claim about church history, or simply the desire to booze it up in front of the porn channel. Let's face it, he doesn't know where he's going.

The problem is he asks the wrong questions, the kind that lead down the path to destruction. That's why I never answer the question a Less Active asks. Instead I answer the question he should have asked. For example, when a Less Active asks, "Why did the Mormons practice polygamy?" I instead hear, "What's the LDS Church's stand on traditional marriage?" When he says, "How come my wife can't hold the priesthood?" I assume he meant to say, "Would you like my wife to bake you a casserole?" When he asks, "Why is wine against the Word of Wisdom?" I pretend he asked, "I'm all out of grape Kool Aid, can you loan me a packet?"

For example, the following exchange occurred on the front porch of one such Less Active.

Me: Good afternoon, Sister Misguided. I've brought some of my wife's nut loaf.

Sister Misguided: Turley, I've told you a thousand times I don't want any nut loaf. Now what the #%^$; are you doing here?

Me: Why thank you, I'd love to come in.

Sister Misguided: I didn't invite you in @$$hole. I asked you what you're doing here.

Me: I understand you have some questions about the church.

Sister Misguided: Why would you think that?

Me: Don't be shy, just ask!

Sister Misguided: I'm not being shy. I want to know why you're here!

Me: Well, we Mormons have always had our persecutors.

Sister Misguided: Turley, what the hell are you talking about?

Me: Um . . . I don't know that we teach it.

Sister Misguided: That answer made no sense. Why won't you get off my porch?

Me: Probably because they were offended and wanted to sin.

Sister Misguided: Are you insane?

Me: Of course I am. I don't know why people think the Mormons aren't Christians. I mean, Jesus Christ is part of the official name of our church.

She slammed the door. I knocked. No response. I banged on the door. Still no response. I banged on the door and sang out "yoo hoo" simultaneously. She opened up and zapped me in the face with pepper spray. I screamed.

Me: Um . . . OK . . . Will I see you in church this Sunday?

Sister Misguided: Because I don't own a stun gun or an Uzi! Now will you get off my porch?

Rather than answer the question she should of asked. I retreated to my car and washed out my eyes with my water bottle. Then I drove off, congratulating myself on my success.


If you would like to stop receiving these emails, don't be shy, just ask!

Don't Just Sit There, Stand For Something!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ward Mission Leader, H. LaVar Turley
Subject: Overcoming excuses about missionary work

When it comes to doing member missionary work, excuses can abound. Here are some common excuses and tips to overcome them:

1. I'm no scriptorian: No problem! Suppose your friend asks, "Where in the Bible does it say anything about Joseph Smith?" -- or -- "Why did Joseph Smith marry other men's wives?" -- or -- "Why didn't blacks get the priesthood until 1978?" A scholar would have a heck of a time answering those questions. But you won't! Fact is, the best representatives of the LDS Church are those who are armed with as little information as possible. So rather than bother with a bunch of boring research, realize the strength of your position, shake off your friend's silly questions, and invite him out to the next super yummy pot luck.

2. I can't risk a friendship: Some think that talking about religion may ruin a friendship. True friends respect the things we believe. They may not agree, but that doesn't mean they mind being preached at, shown the error of their ways, and called to repentance. Anyone who objects to that is not a true friend, and anyway, why would you even have a non-member friend in the first place?

3. My neighbors have already heard it: That may be, but the Lord prepares people in their circumstance, not just their location. Who knows? Since you last talked, your neighbor may have lost a loved one, been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, caught his wife in bed with his business partner, or suffered some other calamity that has left him so confused and vulnerable he'll sign on to any crazy scheme you throw his way. Now's your chance!

4. My house is -- fill in the blank -- a mess, noisy, not conducive to the Spirit:  Elder Ballard said,

"Creating a gospel-sharing home means inviting our friends and neighbors into the ongoing flow of family and church activities." 

A few months ago, we invited our neighbors over to enjoy some of my wife's famous nut loaf, along with our everyday  family camaraderie. Our eldest Tommy spent the better part of evening in the shower, moaning. Tessie had just started her period, and banged on the bathroom door until he finally dried off and let her in. Timmy magnified his calling as future missionary by lecturing the Mayfields about all the wine bottles he's seen in their recycle. As usual, Teddy sat around and did nothing. But that little rascal, Toby, caused a flurry of joyous pandemonium when he snuck into the garage, got a hold of my chainsaw, and started to slice the coffee table in half. Meanwhile Terry entertained everybody with adorable questions like, "Why are Mrs. Smith's ankles so fat?" and "Why is that noise always coming out of Mr. and Mrs. Mayfield's bedroom window?" Suffice to say, we had a great time, nobody was seriously injured, and our neighbors were able to see what we stand for in the natural flow of being in our home.

Finally, the most common excuse church members use for avoiding missionary work is:

5. I'm afraid: Fair enough. I can understand that. The first time I had sex with my wife I was terrified. Now . . . I still am. But I don't let fear stop me and neither should you!

The church is true!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send Sister Turley over to scare the crap out of you.