Name Withheld is Person of the Year
Salt Lake News -- published December 12, 2014
SALT LAKE CITY -- She's found hope and healing after her divorce, forgiven her abuser, and nurtured her husband's frail ego throughout their foreclosure and bankruptcy. He's overcome alcoholism, drug addiction, same-sex attraction, and a tendency to masturbate. Ever humble and long suffering, the progressively gender-ambivalent author of countless Mormon-themed articles, Name Withheld, is finally receiving the title of Person of the Year.
"After spending 50-plus years at the top of the temple prayer rolls, Name Withheld is long overdue for this recognition," official church spokesperson, K. Byron Spool, told the News.
When asked about the timing of the decision, Spool explained, "It's been an especially tough year for the Brethren, what with all the selfish complaints from the feminists, gays, and intellectuals. Meanwhile, Name Withheld humbly carried on, without dwelling on her civil rights, or carping about his unfulfilled sex life, or making a huge deal out of Joseph Smith's minor promiscuities. The Brethren really appreciated that."
Name Withheld was unavailable for comment as she is currently in the drunk tank after a relapse brought on by his temporary refusal to forgive his bishop for sexually assaulting him--or her.
"He . . . or she . . . requested a Book of Mormon be sent to his cell," a source inside the jail said. "She is repentant and seems determined not to become bitter."
"The Brethren couldn't be happier with this year's choice," Spool firmly declared. "Nobody, save Joseph Smith alone, has endured such storied persecution."
Showing posts with label The Ensign. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Ensign. Show all posts
Friday, December 12, 2014
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Thanksgiving Etiquette -- Mormon Style
To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
I sent the e-mail last week, and so far have not heard back from anyone, so I take that as a good sign. Wish me luck, brothers and sisters!
If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you Millie Loomis's favorite General Conference talks.
From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic
Subject: Holding my own at Thanksgiving
Back in the day, when my family gathered at my parents' house for Thanksgiving, we were all of one mind, one heart, one faith.
But thanks to today's turbulent times, that is no longer the case.
I confess I have been in denial over this sad truth for some time. Two years ago I simply ignored the Obama sticker on my brother's van, likewise my nephew's "No on Prop. 8" tee shirt. When my youngest sister announced that she had broken off her engagement to pursue an Italian study abroad program, I held my tongue. At the time I didn't want to cause conflict at the dinner table.
Instead I took the high road by bringing up neutral subjects like Glenn Beck's latest book, my favorite General Conference talks, and the joys of traditional marriage.
Unfortunately, my inaction only laid the groundwork for a disastrous holiday the following year.
Convinced that I was somehow "OK" with his extreme views, my brother turned on MSNBC before dinner with the volume high enough for my children to hear. My nephew boasted about his participation in a Pride parade. Worst of all, my youngest sister announced that over her past year in Italy, she had been drinking wine and living with somebody named Lucca, who was neither Mormon nor even her husband!!!
I again took the high road by introducing neutral subjects like the validity of our president's birth certificate, my favorite articles in The Ensign, and the rise of Internet porn.
My efforts were of no use. My son now believes that "gay people are happy," and my daughter wants to put off marriage to go to Italy -- not on a mission, not on a See Zion First tour -- but simply to LIVE!!
In order to avoid a similar trap this year, I emailed the following compassionate message to my siblings. Many of you may consider doing the same.
Dear (Loved Ones),
While I respect your agency and love you as individuals, I can no longer allow you to influence my children. This may be difficult for you to understand, but because I have moral values, I am trying to raise righteous children in the one and only true church. Out of respect for me and for my children's eternal salvation, I ask that this year our Thanksgiving dinner conversation be restricted to the following neutral topics:
The Book of Mormon
But thanks to today's turbulent times, that is no longer the case.
I confess I have been in denial over this sad truth for some time. Two years ago I simply ignored the Obama sticker on my brother's van, likewise my nephew's "No on Prop. 8" tee shirt. When my youngest sister announced that she had broken off her engagement to pursue an Italian study abroad program, I held my tongue. At the time I didn't want to cause conflict at the dinner table.
Instead I took the high road by bringing up neutral subjects like Glenn Beck's latest book, my favorite General Conference talks, and the joys of traditional marriage.
Unfortunately, my inaction only laid the groundwork for a disastrous holiday the following year.
Convinced that I was somehow "OK" with his extreme views, my brother turned on MSNBC before dinner with the volume high enough for my children to hear. My nephew boasted about his participation in a Pride parade. Worst of all, my youngest sister announced that over her past year in Italy, she had been drinking wine and living with somebody named Lucca, who was neither Mormon nor even her husband!!!
I again took the high road by introducing neutral subjects like the validity of our president's birth certificate, my favorite articles in The Ensign, and the rise of Internet porn.
 |
| I can only imagine what she's thinking! |
In order to avoid a similar trap this year, I emailed the following compassionate message to my siblings. Many of you may consider doing the same.
Dear (Loved Ones),
While I respect your agency and love you as individuals, I can no longer allow you to influence my children. This may be difficult for you to understand, but because I have moral values, I am trying to raise righteous children in the one and only true church. Out of respect for me and for my children's eternal salvation, I ask that this year our Thanksgiving dinner conversation be restricted to the following neutral topics:
The Book of Mormon
President Monson
The good old U S of A
Why fornication is a sin
72 hour kits
Miserable souls who break The Word of Wisdom
The empty lives of female professionals
A cure for homosexuality
Grandma's tatting projects
Satan
How stupid intellectuals are
In spite of everything, I can't wait to see all of you. As usual, I will be bringing my super-yummy green bean and tater-tot souffle, also the maraschino cherry/Cool Whip mousse.
In spite of everything, I can't wait to see all of you. As usual, I will be bringing my super-yummy green bean and tater-tot souffle, also the maraschino cherry/Cool Whip mousse.
Love,
Millie
 |
| We can all agree on tatting! |
I sent the e-mail last week, and so far have not heard back from anyone, so I take that as a good sign. Wish me luck, brothers and sisters!
If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you Millie Loomis's favorite General Conference talks.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Ex-Mormon Superbowl Party -- Visitors Welcome
To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Superbowl Party
My dear friends in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, since you are kind enough to include me on your e-mail list, I've decided to include you in the following:
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Superbowl Party
My dear friends in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, since you are kind enough to include me on your e-mail list, I've decided to include you in the following:
Postmormon Superbowl Party
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Hey Abbottsville Fourth Ward!
Tired of sitting through mind-numbing meetings while the game records on DVD? Don't want to wait until 12:01 AM Monday for the kick-off? Then hang at my house with actual fun people, watch the game in real time, throw back a cold one, and root for some real Saints for a change. Be prepared for light-mindedness, loud laughter, and a helluva lot of evil speaking of the Lord's anointed.
You want to. You know you do.
Please do NOT bring:
Your scriptures
The missionaries
Lesson #5
Scrapbooking paraphernalia
Your testimony
Neckties and pantyhose
Nu Skin samples
Your righteous indignation
Sister Loomis's gallon sized jar of peaches (I'm still working on the last one.)
A message from The Ensign
Violators will be dealt with by our bouncer, Mark Crawford. Trust me, your garments will not protect you.
Please do bring:
A sense of humor (It's there, you'll find it.)
An open mind (Likewise.)
If possible, some of those super yummy Mormon Funeral Potatoes
No Nursery Provided
See you Sunday!
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