The Great Planet Rip-Off

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Wilbur T. Nussel, soon to be former 2nd counselor in the Elders Quorum presidency
Subject: I want my planet back!

Recently an article on the LDS website announced a shocking reversal in longstanding Mormon doctrine:

"Latter-day Saints' doctrine of exhalation is often reduced in media to a (similarly) cartoonish image of people receiving their own planets."  

Excuse me? Since when did my future planet become a cartoon? It was supposed to be the real deal. And not "in media." In church! Every Sunday. They promised. My very own planet. For crying out loud, it's the least the Brethren can do for me, given what I've done for them.

What I've Done For Them (the short list)

1. Attended all my meetings.
2. Paid my tithing.
3. Cleaned the ward meetinghouse toilets.
4. Cleaned the interior of the Turley Family's Suburban.
5. I read the entire Book of Mormon.
6. Watched the Super Bowl every year on Monday.
7. Knew the Church was true with every fiber of my being.
8. Dutifully tried to collect fast offerings from the bitter inactive gay guy.
9. Turned down a part as a member of the Zero Population Growth gang in Saturday's Warrior, citing moral objections.
10. Sat through hour long one on ones with the bishop about masturbation.
11. Raised my arm to the square and said "get thee hence" to the super-hot nonmember girl who flirted with me in high school.
12. Served a mission in Hawaii where I wasn't allowed to go swimming or look at a girl's midriff.
13. I spent an entire semester at BYU-Idaho.
14. Accepted a blind date invitation composed on my windshield in unscrewed Oreos.
15. Broke the above date when I discovered she wanted to go see Frozen.

I could go on, but you get it, don't you Abbottsville 4th? I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET A PLANET! Also a whole string of bare-midriffed wives, including the super-hot nonmember girl from high school--after I convert her in the Spirit World, of course.

That's it, Brethren! You're not ripping off this worthy priesthood holder. Either refund me my entire planet or I'm done.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll level with you. You're going to get a planet. Just keep it on the "down low" when you're around the media.

End Of The World Confessional To The Abbottsville Fourth

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Wilbur T. Nussel, 2nd Counselor in the Elders' Quorum Presidency
Subject: I confess just in time for the apocalypse

At first I was a little skeptical about the whole Mayan calendar doomsday prediction for 12/21/12. But then I saw women wearing pants to church last Sunday and I realized that it truly is the end of the world. So before I meet my maker, I'd better get a few things off of my chest.

First, to Bishop Zimmerman, I still have that hammer you lent me last year, and I admit I had no intention of returning it . . . until now. I'll try to get it back to you before tomorrow.

To Sister Renfro, I'm sorry to say that I'm the one who dented your fender in the church lot last April.

To all of you, remember how I used to get up in Fast and Testimony Meeting and apologize for offending people? Well, the truth is, I wasn't sorry. I mean, let's face it, Brother Harold does have doggy breath, Sister Riley probably has the biggest caboose on the planet, and the whole ward knows that Brother Gibson is gay. So I wasn't sorry and I apologize for lying to you.

I must also apologize to the 6 or 7 people I accidentally poisoned at the last ward potluck. That's right. It was my casserole. But honestly, who knew Spam had an expiration date?

To the Spencers, when I housesat for you in June I snuck into your file cabinet and reviewed your past tax returns. Also I used some of your "cooking" wine for medicinal purposes, and I'm afraid I'm responsible for that mysterious stain on Sister Renfro's thong panties. (My bad.)

To Brother Jeffries, I admit I've entertained many impure thoughts about your wife. Heck I'm not the only one. The woman has a body that won't quit. But I swear I wasn't the one who leaked those naked pictures of her onto the Internet. Also, I totally believe that it's just her head photoshopped onto another woman's body.

To Jenny, I really shouldn't have gone that far with you in the backseat after the stake Mix and Mingle. Your dad's right. I should marry you and make you an honest woman. Only now it's too late.

I hope this clears me with my maker and that tomorrow I'll see each and every one of you in the Celestial Kingdom, because you guys are the best ward ever!

Now I'm going to go out and return all of your Christmas presents.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, just wait until tomorrow.

Also watch this review of The Girls From Fourth Ward and 2 other great Mormon-themed books by Bishop Flat Lander! Hint--Just in time for "Smithmas."