Mormon Erotica Film Set for Release on Valentine's Day

Fifty Courts of Love to Debut on Valentine's Day
Salt Lake News - published February 13, 2015

SALT LAKE CITY-- Tomorrow night the LDS Church will release it's newest feature film, Fifty Courts of Love. A flight of fan fiction loosely based on the LDS Handbooks of Instruction, Fifty Courts draws on the growing popularity of "Mormon Erotica," a genre aimed at the small, but enthusiastic  segment of LDS priesthood leaders who experience libidinous pleasure when witnessing the denigration, humiliation and expulsion of the most articulate and talented members of their church.

In order to enhance what producer, Hobart Graham, calls the film's "shock and awe" value, no trailer has been released and the plot remains a guarded secret. But Graham has dropped a few hints about what viewers can expect.

"Excommunication trials have always had a kinky appeal to our audience," Graham told The News. "It's basic. You've got a woman lawyer who thinks she's so big, or a PhD who thinks he's so smart. Or a gay guy. Then real men like us get to force him or her into a cramped, uncomfortable space, ask official questions, and exercise the full power of our priesthood. Submission is sweet, right? But think about how much sweeter it will be when, thanks to poetic license, we change the venue to the basement of a Utah Valley hardware store, up the physical restraints, and expand the realm of official questions."

While the movie's release is eagerly anticipated by some, other LDS Church members plan to boycott the film.

"Sounds like smut to me," said Wilma Baxter, a 64-year-old resident of Bountiful insisted.

C. Delbert Baxter, age 66, echoed his wife's disinterest. "Mormon Erotica? I'd derive more pleasure from a documentary about cheese."

But the filmmakers, as well as church officials, believe Fifty Courts will attract a larger audience as viewer excitement grows. "Mormon Erotica is quite different from the worldly variety," said Graham. "Worldly Erotica is all about kissing and fondling and groping. Our audience isn't aroused by any of that--least of all on Valentine's Day. For us it's all about . . . discipline."

While there have been no leaks from anonymous sources directly involved in the film's production, several Utah Valley Dollar Stores are reported to be completely sold out of conservative neckties.

***And congratulations to the winners of the 2014 Brodie Awards!

The Mormon Month from Hell

If you run into any rank and file Mormons tonight, hold back on the tricks and give them extra treats. They've had a very scary month.

First there was the weeklong requisite "I'm a Mormon!" on their social media profiles. After that, the mind-numbing semi-annual General Conference. Next came a mandatory ticket purchase for the feature length infomercial, Meet the Mormons. Then last week: the double whammy. A flimsy defense of Joseph Smith's relations with 14-year-olds and married women. AND … get this, Gentle Readers ... a commercial about their underwear.

I'm not kidding. Their underwear. If you don't believe me, check it out here.

Please tell me this isn't going to lead to another mass profile picture switch.

I admit, this latest string of events has been a gift for bloggers like me. For several weeks now, Mormon Inc. has written the satire for me, and for that I thank them. But, really, how much humiliation can the poor faithful endure?

The new Mormon Newsroom video's central premise is that devout Mormons are just like the orthodox of other faiths, namely Roman Catholics, Jews, Muslims, and Buddhists who also wear ceremonial and symbolic clothing.

-- Perhaps. But there's at least one glaring difference between these ancient religious cultures and the Mormons. There aren't any Madison Avenue-style commercials defending the nuns' habits - Jewish prayer shawls - Muslim skull caps - Buddhist saffron robes. The participants simply wear them. Without apology and without obsessing over what others think. --

The video then concludes in classic LDS fashion. With a blatant lie. In this case, the claim that there is nothing "magical or mystical" about the temple garment.

-- Bulls**t! If I had a dollar for every faith-promoting story I've heard about garments protecting someone in a fire, I'd be a rich woman. And I always got dirty looks when I pointed out that they're flame retardant. No way. It was those magic symbols that saved poor Brother Schmuck's bacon! --

So, if you run into some rank and file Mormons today, be especially nice. Their leaders just used their tithing money to splash pictures of their underwear all over the Internet.

The fact is the Mormons are persecuted, but not by outsiders. By their own leaders.

For the few devout who read this blog, if it's any consolation, there may be a lot of San Franciscans wearing some ceremonial underpants of our own following Wednesday night's game. Check it out here.

Finally, there's more scary news breaking today. Kate Kelly just learned her appeal has been denied. Read more here.

Happy Halloween!

They Get to Talk, We Get to Listen

Years ago a woman in the ward whom I considered to be an actual friend dropped by my house after yet another meeting that I had missed. Convinced that my lagging church attendance would bring about my ruin, she began her remarks with, "I just have to say this," and then bemoaned the fate of my marriage and fretted over what might become of my poor children.

Because I considered her to be an actual friend, I listened politely. Then, when she finally finished, I countered with, "Okay, then I have to say this," and began to explain my misgivings about the Mormon Church, beginning with the marginalization of LDS women. Aghast that I would actually criticize the leaders of the one and only true church, she shut down the conversation, doing everything short of covering her ears and singing Praise to the Man at the top of her lungs.

--This was back when I foolishly assumed that I also got to say things.

Similarly, a couple of years later, another woman from the ward whom I considered to be both intelligent and sophisticated invited me to watch Gordon B. Hinckley's first interview with Larry King. Because I considered her to be both intelligent and sophisticated, I tuned in on the appointed night. The next day she gave me a call. After gushing over her beloved prophet's performance, she asked, "What did you think of the interview, Donna?"

Me: "Well, President Hinckley is a very genial and well-spoken man."
She: "Yes, isn't he amazing?!"
Me: "Ahem, well, his gift for PR aside, I was alarmed by the number of inaccuracies in his answers. For example, when he said that polygamy isn't doctrine--"
She: "Oh right. I just wanted to hear what you thought."
Me: "Okay, that's what I'm telling you. I also thought he ducked Larry's question about--"
She: "Good. I just wanted to hear what you thought."
Me: "Uh-huh. Well, thank you for that."

--This was back when I foolishly assumed they really wanted to know what I thought.

Not that this dynamic is unique to the Mormons.

In her memoir, My Life in France, Julia Child recalled a dinner party she attended as a young woman. Surrounded by intellectual heavyweights, she came to the both frustrating and enlightening conclusion that her opinions were based on emotions rather than ideas. Later she described one-sided encounters with her didactic father who shut down her every attempt to reason and/or disagree with him.

It seems everywhere you go, the emotion gang isn't keen on listening to the idea gang. Nevertheless, we can't stop trying to voice our opinion, hoping more will switch out feelings for thoughts. Last Friday Robert Kirby wrote an excellent column in the Salt Lake Tribune imploring ultra orthodox Mormons to accept rather than shun their nonbeliever relations. To those (emotion gang) believers who marginalize their atheist offspring, Kirby suggested:

"… consider the very real possibility that you’re an idiot. First for letting theology get in the way of love, and second for believing in a plan/god/spirit that would condemn Buddy for being a wonderful human being but unfortunately not a believer."

Naturally, I couldn't stop myself from sharing the article on my Facebook wall, and, naturally, it drew the expected response--this time from a complete stranger who just had to say:

"So, according to Kirby, throw out all of your beliefs to concentrate on making some people feel better about the here and now. Tomorrow doesn't matter, and you should feel great about the soul of your loved one NOT going to a loving place in the afterworld. If you don't do this, you are an idiot. No, Kirby is an idiot and lost. It looks like the only way he will be happy is if we are all lost as well. Hmmm, I guess that makes him a liberal, too."

Having had my share of what former Congressman Barney Frank once referred to as an "argument with a dining room table," I merely wished the above soul-saver a nice day, privately empathized with his loved ones, and refused to be drawn in to another pointless, one-sided conversation.  

Perhaps Kate Kelly's bishop put the emotion gang's philosophy best. "You are entitled to your views but you are not entitled to promote them," he explained upon her excommunication--an event that has prompted some to bemoan the end of the "Mormon Moment," a supposed six or so year LDS renaissance that has shone the church in a positive light. 

I have a different take on this recent Mormon Moment. From where I sit, it consisted of a failed campaign to block gay marriage, a hit musical, a failed campaign for president, disingenuous ads featuring members who would be marginalized in their real-life wards, a xenophobic LDS rancher whose views on "the Negro" managed to even offend Hannity, and an accomplished civil rights attorney who challenged the LDS patriarchy.

Also from where I sit, the only real LDS goodwill ambassadors seem to have been that goofy but lovable chorus line of missionaries, and the accomplished civil rights attorney. Only the dancing missionaries are fictional characters and the attorney has been excommunicated. --So ends the Mormon Moment.

I just had to say that.

Once Again, It's "Out of Love"

Some of my most unpleasant childhood memories begin with my mom telling me, "I'm only doing this for your own good." Likewise, some of my most unpleasant parenting memories begin with me repeating those same words to my own children.

But at least in the case of parent and child, there is true love behind the discipline. We do punish our children for their own good, or at least we think we do. - So they'll be considerate of others, so they'll learn the value of a dollar, so they'll keep from killing themselves, etc. We're big, they're small, and they're our responsibility. So, for the first decade or two of our children's lives, we're forever on their case - lecturing, nagging, lending endless advice, and otherwise driving them completely crazy. Out of love.

But when the "for your own good" argument is used on adults it too often becomes an excuse for abuse. Such is the case with LDS Church disciplinary councils - or so-called "courts of love."

"Love" is one of those big words that Mormon leaders don't understand.

This week when Ordain Women founder, Kate Kelly, learned that she had been excommunicated by an LDS "court of love," she reportedly sobbed uncontrollably.

Meanwhile, shortly after Kelly's expulsion became public, the LDS General Young Women's President, Bonnie L. Oscarson issued a video statement, claiming:

"Those who are struggling for whatever reason should be able to find within our sisterhood a spirit of warmth, inclusion, and love." 

Warmth? Inclusion? Love? Anyone out there buying that? I'm very relieved to hear that Kate Kelly isn't. When asked if she believed her leaders were ostracizing her for her own good Kelly replied:

"That's classic language of an abusive relationship, where a person abusing and hurting you says they're doing it out of love."

Kudos to Kate for standing firm. For recognizing that abuse is not love and for realizing that nothing less than equality for women will do. I wish her and the brave members of Ordain Women success as they champion their cause.

Bridget Jack Jeffries said it best in her op-ed in Wednesday's Salt Lake Tribune:

"If you have to constantly reassure someone that you really do love them, value them and respect them, it may be because your actions are telling a different story. In any case, there is no such thing as equality without equal access to authority. Therefore, any talk of Mormon women being equal to Mormon men free from ordination to the priesthood is perfect nonsense."

And the male church leaders' claim that they love women and consider us as equals? An empty assertion that bears no resemblance to reality.

But then, "reality" is another one of those big words that Mormon leaders don't understand.

LDS Leaders Courageously Stand on Principle

LDS Church Offers Additional Response to Church Discipline Questions
Salt Lake News -- published June 13, 2014

As the pending church disciplinary action against Ordain Women founder, Kate Kelly, and Mormon blogger, John Dehlin, approaches, LDS leaders continue to insist that people of all opinions are welcome within their ranks.

"The notion that the LDS Church is not a place for feminists, gays and intellectuals is simply not true," church spokesperson, LaRue Walker told the News in an exclusive interview yesterday. "We are a progressive organization made up of individuals with diverse backgrounds and opinions."

Citing several profiles in the church's popular "I'm a Mormon" campaign, Walker insisted that the LDS Church is an open environment that encourages questions and allows members to think for themselves. She did, however, voice concern over some members who choose to share their thoughts.

"It's as simple as this," Walker explained. "Mormons can be feminists, so long as they don't say women are equal to men. They can be gay, so long as they don't demonstrate their same-sex attraction, and they can be intellectuals so long as they don't share any of their ideas."

Summarizing the LDS leaders' hopes going forward, Walker said, "The Brethren want the members to galvanize around them as they stand firmly on principle and courageously lead the church into the future."

When asked about the expected outcome of Dehlin and Kelly's pending trials Walker stated, "The Brethren can't comment on that as church disciplinary actions are a local matter that they have no responsibility for whatsoever."