Thanksgiving Etiquette -- Mormon Style

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic

Subject: Holding my own at Thanksgiving

Back in the day, when my family gathered at my parents' house for Thanksgiving, we were all of one mind, one heart, one faith.


But thanks to today's turbulent times, that is no longer the case. 


I confess I have been in denial over this sad truth for some time. Two years ago I simply ignored the Obama sticker on my brother's van, likewise my nephew's "No on Prop. 8" tee shirt. When my youngest sister announced that she had broken off her engagement to pursue an Italian study abroad program, I held my tongue. At the time I didn't want to cause conflict at the dinner table. 


Instead I took the high road by bringing up neutral subjects like Glenn Beck's latest book, my favorite General Conference talks, and the joys of traditional marriage. 


Unfortunately, my inaction only laid the groundwork for a disastrous holiday the following year. 


Convinced that I was somehow "OK" with his extreme views, my brother turned on MSNBC before dinner with the volume high enough for my children to hear. My nephew boasted about his participation in a Pride parade. Worst of all, my youngest sister announced that over her past year in Italy, she had been drinking wine and living with somebody named Lucca, who was neither Mormon nor even her husband!!!


I again took the high road by introducing neutral subjects like the validity of our president's birth certificate, my favorite articles in The Ensign, and the rise of Internet porn.

I can only imagine what she's thinking!

My efforts were of no use. My son now believes that "gay people are happy," and my daughter wants to put off marriage to go to Italy -- not on a mission, not on a See Zion First tour -- but simply to LIVE!!


In order to avoid a similar trap this year, I emailed the following compassionate message to my siblings. Many of you may consider doing the same.


Dear (Loved Ones),


While I respect your agency and love you as individuals, I can no longer allow you to influence my children. This may be difficult for you to understand, but because I have moral values, I am trying to raise righteous children in the one and only true church. Out of respect for me and for my children's eternal salvation, I ask that this year our Thanksgiving dinner conversation be restricted to the following neutral topics: 

The Book of Mormon

President Monson

The good old U S of A

Why fornication is a sin

72 hour kits

Miserable souls who break The Word of Wisdom

The empty lives of female professionals

A cure for homosexuality

Grandma's tatting projects

Satan

How stupid intellectuals are

In spite of everything, I can't wait to see all of you. As usual, I will be bringing my super-yummy green bean and tater-tot souffle, also the maraschino cherry/Cool Whip mousse.  

Love, 

Millie

We can all agree on tatting!

I sent the e-mail last week, and so far have not heard back from anyone, so I take that as a good sign. Wish me luck, brothers and sisters!


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you Millie Loomis's favorite General Conference talks.

The Week That Was -- And Wasn't

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: From the Sublime to the Ridiculous then back to the Sublime.

Mark and I began our week last Sunday doing what we do best -- pissing off the Religious Right. You got it, Fourth Warders, while you were locked up in your darkened houses observing the Sabbath, we mocked God by passing out candy to evil little urchins dressed in black and orange. At the same time, we watched our beloved black and orange baseball team win the fourth game in the World Series, beating the Texas Rangers.

Then on Monday night . . . well we all know what happened on Monday night. Because for once, both the Mormons and the Ex-Mormons were tuned in to the same channel.

It was the best Family Home Evening ever!

Then Tuesday's midterm election results sucked the Kum-bay-yah right out of the air, and we were again on different sides. -- Polarized over nonsensical issues such as the definition of marriage, the location of a mosque in Manhattan, and the validity of our president's birth certificate. As a fiscally conservative, socially progressive Republican, Mark couldn't understand why the (few) sensible members of his party lent their support to a bunch of right wing fanatics, knowing full well that their religious rhetoric was dangerous and their economic policy was irresponsible. As a liberal Democrat, I couldn't believe that my party who controlled the White House, Senate and Congress for two years and promised change couldn't even muster the strength to push through a measure allowing gays to serve openly in the military.

Perhaps what Washington needs is a cool-headed North Carolina rookie who pitched eight shut out innings against the Rangers, or a Columbian-born slugger who knocked a three-run homer into a sea of red at Texas Stadium, or a long-haired "freak" with a ninety mile an hour fast ball. Not once during the eight years of his presidency did George W. Bush come to San Francisco. But the Texas Rangers were here, and they fought the good fight.

Of course, that kind of courage only happens in sports.

On Wednesday morning Mark and I set our disappointment aside and rode the packed subway downtown for the parade.

Best friends for 33 years

It was only fitting that we met my former BYU roommate and BFF, Emily, who came straight from teaching early morning seminary in her East Bay LDS ward.

The crowd was ecstatic and the experience priceless.

Thank god nobody fell off the top of that Muni Bus!

When he got back to work, Mark discovered that half of his pictures didn't take because his camera's memory chip was overloaded -- SO HE MISSED GETTING ANY PICTURES OF THE PLAYERS!!

This blurred image of Bruce Bochy with the trophy is the last shot that registered. 

I may post more when Emily and other friends who were at the parade email them my way. (I am progressing slowly down the road to forgiveness. Last night I even allowed Mark to come inside and sleep on the couch.)

After the parade, Emily and I shopped in Chinatown and had a leisurely lunch at Cafe Claude. Religion never came up, nor did politics. Instead we discussed important things, like family, friends, good books, and, of course, baseball.

I am lucky. I am an Ex-Mormon whose best friend is a believing Mormon, and I'm a Democrat who is happily married to a Republican. But I know too many Ex-Mormons who have been shunned by their believing families and friends, and, like everyone, I have endured an endless amount of mind-numbing political debate. I am disturbed that our country is so divided, and that our national conversation has been monopolized by fundamentalist extremists. 

My dear friends from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, it is no wonder that in contentious times such as these, many of us yearn for peace and spiritual well-being. For that reason, I am grateful for our membership in the one and only true, non-partisan, non-denominational Church of Baseball. 

In the name of cheese and rice, amen.