Thanksgiving Etiquette -- Mormon Style

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic

Subject: Holding my own at Thanksgiving

Back in the day, when my family gathered at my parents' house for Thanksgiving, we were all of one mind, one heart, one faith.


But thanks to today's turbulent times, that is no longer the case. 


I confess I have been in denial over this sad truth for some time. Two years ago I simply ignored the Obama sticker on my brother's van, likewise my nephew's "No on Prop. 8" tee shirt. When my youngest sister announced that she had broken off her engagement to pursue an Italian study abroad program, I held my tongue. At the time I didn't want to cause conflict at the dinner table. 


Instead I took the high road by bringing up neutral subjects like Glenn Beck's latest book, my favorite General Conference talks, and the joys of traditional marriage. 


Unfortunately, my inaction only laid the groundwork for a disastrous holiday the following year. 


Convinced that I was somehow "OK" with his extreme views, my brother turned on MSNBC before dinner with the volume high enough for my children to hear. My nephew boasted about his participation in a Pride parade. Worst of all, my youngest sister announced that over her past year in Italy, she had been drinking wine and living with somebody named Lucca, who was neither Mormon nor even her husband!!!


I again took the high road by introducing neutral subjects like the validity of our president's birth certificate, my favorite articles in The Ensign, and the rise of Internet porn.

I can only imagine what she's thinking!

My efforts were of no use. My son now believes that "gay people are happy," and my daughter wants to put off marriage to go to Italy -- not on a mission, not on a See Zion First tour -- but simply to LIVE!!


In order to avoid a similar trap this year, I emailed the following compassionate message to my siblings. Many of you may consider doing the same.


Dear (Loved Ones),


While I respect your agency and love you as individuals, I can no longer allow you to influence my children. This may be difficult for you to understand, but because I have moral values, I am trying to raise righteous children in the one and only true church. Out of respect for me and for my children's eternal salvation, I ask that this year our Thanksgiving dinner conversation be restricted to the following neutral topics: 

The Book of Mormon

President Monson

The good old U S of A

Why fornication is a sin

72 hour kits

Miserable souls who break The Word of Wisdom

The empty lives of female professionals

A cure for homosexuality

Grandma's tatting projects

Satan

How stupid intellectuals are

In spite of everything, I can't wait to see all of you. As usual, I will be bringing my super-yummy green bean and tater-tot souffle, also the maraschino cherry/Cool Whip mousse.  

Love, 

Millie

We can all agree on tatting!

I sent the e-mail last week, and so far have not heard back from anyone, so I take that as a good sign. Wish me luck, brothers and sisters!


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you Millie Loomis's favorite General Conference talks.

Paris Mormon Style -- The One and Only True Tour

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic
Subject: My life in France

When the See Zion First's Temple Trip For Gals capped at 200 within the first hour of registration, I instead chose their tour of Paris. Why not? All of my life I've longed to see the marvelous City of Light through the protective lens of the LDS Church. I testify to you, brothers and sisters, that See Zion First delivered all of that and inside of a week.

Friday, Day 1: We disembarked our plane and were met curbside by Europe Second Branch President Pierre Sorenson who whisked us to his picturesque meeting house with its sweeping view of the Charles DeGaulle Airport. After vacuuming the carpets and scrubbing the bathrooms, we unrolled our sleeping bags on the cultural hall floor and slept off our jet lag.

Saturday, Day 2: We got a taste of the Latin Quarter when we helped the Maxwell family move into their charming flat in a fifth floor walk-up in the 6th arrondissement. They graciously treated us to a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Then we returned to the branch meeting house for a genuine Parisian revue performed by the Mia Maids.

Sunday, Day 3: Since church started in the afternoon, we spent the morning collecting Fast Offerings, then attended to our various assignments in Primary, Relief Society, Sunday School and Priesthood. I had the good fortune to be stationed in the Nursery. After church we enjoyed a scrumptious "Break the Fast" meal of cassoulet de tater tots, citron vert Jell-o, and Mormon pommes de mort.

Monday, Day 4: We introduced ourselves to the locals by going out on splits with the missionaries. We were amazed by how many Frenchmen left their doors unlocked, and by how annoyed they were when we walked through them. We discussed this phenomenon over Rice Krispies Treats after our Family Home Evening French Hymnal Karaoke.

Tuesday, Day 5: We headed to the stake cannery where we happily donated our time for the welfare of others. The result? Two hundred quarts of haricort verts for the French saints.

Wednesday, Day 6: Sightseeing! Elders' Quorum President, LeVar Lafitte, sprung for a one hour bus rental from a local U-Haul and gave us a whirlwind tour. I did my best to capture it on film:

The glass sculpture outside of the Louvre inspired President Lafitte to describe his latest business venture.

As a result, I am now a distributor of Frere Featherstone's Miracle Hair Grow.

After returning the bus, we stopped at a genuine Parisian cafe, where we ordered omelettes stuffed with stinky cheese and fizzy French water. Hate to say it, but the meal was something of a let down. The food paled in comparison to the French cuisine served at Sunday's Break the Fast. Also everyone around us was smoking and drinking and eating chocolate. The Metro ride home turned out to be a harrowing ordeal, as we found ourselves surrounded by the Parisian non-member community. Sister Jamison nearly passed out after witnessing something shocking. Luckily the Priesthood was on hand to give her a blessing, and we were soon back in the loving embrace of the saints from the Europe Second Branch. The testimony meeting that evening was c'est magnifique.

Thursday, Day 7: We said tearful good-byes to our French brothers and sisters, then boarded the plane for America. Not a one of us slept on that flight, as we were too busy reminiscing about the sights we saw, the people we met, the food we enjoyed, and the wonderful time we had thanks to LDS owned See Zion First.

After all, only the church could send us on a trip like this.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll alert a distributor of Frere Featherstone's Miracle Hair Grow.