Super Special Standards Night For The Young Women

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: JayNell Tweedy, Abbottsville Stake Young Women's President
Subject: The best Standards Nights ever!


Last weekend the Young Women of the Abbottsville Stake were privileged to hear from the popular youth speaker, L. Franklin Higginbottom. As a member of the Second Quorum of the Seventy, Elder Higginbottom travels extensively on behalf of the Church, and has an uncanny knack for being seated next to celebrities on airplanes. Here is an excerpt from his remarks:


Once on a flight to Houston I happened to be seated next to a sickly looking man with a funny accent. 


"My name is L. Franklin Higginbottom," I said. "I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What's your name?"


"My name is Mick Jagger," he said.


Now, please understand I am in no way speaking evil of the man. I have all the respect in the world for Mick Jagger. It's just that I think his life, his work, and everything he stands for and believes is repulsive, disgusting, and totally of the devil. 


So naturally I was anxious to talk to him. As we proceeded in the discussion he probably had four or five alcoholic drinks. I finally asked, "Tell me Mick, with all due respect, why do you play such sleazy and revolting music?"


"L. Franklin," he said. - And this is a DIRECT QUOTE. - "Everything I play is calculated to drive the LDS Young Women to sex!"


So you see my young sisters? This is what the world is trying to do to you! Let me share another experience.


Once on a flight to Detroit I sat next to a scantily clad woman also with a funny accent.


"Hello," I said. "My name is L. Franklin Higginbottom. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What's your name?"


"My name is J.K. Rowling."


"Hello miss," I replied.


"I SAID my name is J.K. Rowling." She pointed to the book in her lap. 


"Oh my heck," I said. "I thought you were a man!"


"Well you were bloody well wrong then, weren't you?" she said.


I said a silent prayer for guidance, then I respectfully asked, "No offense, ma'am, but why do you write such sleazy, satanic, revolting books?"


"L. Franklin," she said. - Another DIRECT QUOTE. - "Everything I write is calculated to drive the LDS Young Women to sex!"


And try this one on for size:

Once on a Jet Blue flight into Pocatello I sat next to a woman who wore a plunging neckline that revealed a lizard tattoo on her left bosom.

"Hello," I said. "My name is L. Franklin Higginbottom. I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What's you name?"

"My name is Hillary Clinton."

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to speak evil of the woman. I have nothing but respect for her personally. It's just that I think her life, her work, and everything she stands for belongs in the toilet.

"Tell me Hillary, why do you represent such vile and disgusting values?"

After four of five alcoholic drinks, she answered:

"L. Franklin," she said. - I swear this is verbatim. - "Everything I do is calculated to drive the LDS Young Women to sex!"

Allow me to share one more experience. On the rental car shuttle at the Cleveland airport I happened to sit next to a dark complected young man with a suspiciously pleasant expression.

"Hello," I said. "My name is L. Franklin Higginbottom. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What's your name?"

"My name is Barack Obama."

I said a silent prayer for guidance, then asked, "Barack, with all due respect, why do you say such vile, disgusting, obnoxious ..."

He raised a hand to silence me. "OK man, I think I know where you're going with this. The truth is, L. Franklin, everything I do is calculated to drive the LDS Young Women to sex!"


So there you go!


Elder Higginbottom concluded his remarks by warning the Young Women to stop listening to music, reading books, and watching the news. In their place he suggested they study the teachings of the man who genuinely admired LDS Young Women: The Prophet, Joseph Smith.


If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you've probably had four or five alcoholic drinks.

Super Special Program For The Young Women

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Young Women's Leaders
From: JayNell Tweedy, Abbottsville Stake Young Women's President
Subject: Ideas for upcoming Standards Nights

We all agree that nothing is too good for our awesome Young Women. That's why I'm forwarding this outline for a super-special Standards Night for our girls. You'll want to start planning super super early on account of it's kind of a lot of work. But way worth it!

Invite a member of the Young Women's presidency to host the event in her living room. Remove the art from her walls and hang pictures of the different LDS temples instead. Create a five-foot high all-white floral arrangement for the room's focal point. In front of the flowers, set up a table and cover it with a white lace cloth and one of the centerpieces described below. Also, if the curtains, carpet, and walls are not white, be sure to replace and/or repaint all three, and slip-cover the furniture as well.

Standard's Night Program

Opening Song: I Love to See the Temple

Opening Prayer: by invitation

Demonstration:

Invite another member of the Young Women's presidency to present one the following analogies:

1.

(For the centerpiece: design an all white wedding bouquet out of blown sugar.)

"Imagine you're a beautiful rose plant who lets herself be picked by the first boy who comes along. Now what returned missionary will be interested in your bush?"

2.

(For the centerpiece: carve out an ice sculpture of Salt Lake's Temple Square.)

"Pretend you're a popsicle. Who do you want to be licked by? A good Mormon boy who will stick you right back in the freezer ? -- or -- Some non-member who'll take you to the park, have what he wants, then leave you in a hot and sticky mess on the grass?"

3.

(For the centerpiece: weave an all white tapestry with an inlay of President Monson's face.)

"Think of yourself as a doormat. Where would you want to get laid? In the entrance of some disreputable tavern? -- or -- In the temple where you will only be stepped on by righteous priesthood holders?"

Conclude with, "It is my prayer that each and every one of you finds a righteous LDS man to -- fertilize you -- or -- keep you frozen -- or -- walk all over you -- for time and all eternity."

Special Musical Number

Invite the Beehive, Mia Maid, and Laurel class presidencies to make and model modest wedding gowns to the tune of Circle of Our Love from Saturday's Warrior.

(The music should be played way reverently by two members of the Young Women's presidency: one on the piano and the other on another super classy instrument -- like the harp.)

Main Speaker

Invite the bishop to give a super respectful talk about all the private places a righteous Young Woman should never let a boy touch and all the things she should never let him do.


Closing Song: I Am a Child of God


Closing Prayer: by invitation


Refreshments: Handmade multi-tiered wedding cake with white chocolate ruffles and sugar orchids. Raspberry sherbet punch fountain. Nut cups. Little butter mints made from scratch.


**Be sure to send each girl home with a super cute fridge magnet made out of something way fun like shrinky dink plastic or dough art with the saying: 
"Sex outside of marriage is the sin next to murder."

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you're super selfish and way shallow.