Sisters Get Crafts in Lieu of Priesthood

LDS Church Invests in Huge Stock of Relief Society Crafting Supplies
The Salt Lake News - published April 18, 2014

In response to recent protests by Mormon feminists, the LDS Church has allocated unlimited funds to the Relief Society for the purchase of crafting supplies.

"Recently some of our women have expressed a misguided desire to receive the priesthood," official church spokesman, T. Delbert Bean remarked in a recent interview. "The Brethren are hoping that an investment in arts and crafts materials will help our beloved sisters return to and find joy in their divine role."

Overall, the effort has been well-received.

"I've been stamping like crazy!" said Sister Wilma Forbes of Burley, Idaho. "And I'm really into glitter. It's just so glamorous. Glitter makes me feel . . . free to be me."

Having just constructed a life-sized papier-mache statue of Joseph Smith for her home's entryway, Phyllis McGee of Farmington, Utah exclaimed, "Next I'm making a bust of Jesus out of dough art. I can't wait to get started."

But not everyone is so enthusiastic.

"This new craft thing is a crock of (expletive deleted),"  Mildred Peabody, a Salt Lake City tax attorney, told The News. "Makes me want to hot glue the First Presidency to a giant flannel board."

Nevertheless, the Brethren insist their efforts are for the good of all the sisters.

"There will always be nay-sayers," Bean admitted. "But, we honestly believe their hearts would soften if they were to devote even one afternoon to making finger puppets."

While the Relief Society crafting program operates under the mantle of the priesthood, the exclusively male leadership has so far offered little oversight.

"We want the sisters to embrace their empowerment," said Jeff Needleman a stake president in Ogden, Utah. "We set up tables in the Cultural Hall, set out the paint, crepe paper, stencils and pipe cleaners, and then let the girls go wild."

And wild they have gone. Sister Christine Gomez of Mesa, Arizona recently completed a floor to ceiling dadaist sculpture out of dryer lint, toilet paper tubes, and recycled sacrament meeting programs.

"Happiness is a warm glue gun," she declared.

--Check out another 5 star review for The Girls from Fourth Ward here!

Super Special Program For The Young Women

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Young Women's Leaders
From: JayNell Tweedy, Abbottsville Stake Young Women's President
Subject: Ideas for upcoming Standards Nights

We all agree that nothing is too good for our awesome Young Women. That's why I'm forwarding this outline for a super-special Standards Night for our girls. You'll want to start planning super super early on account of it's kind of a lot of work. But way worth it!

Invite a member of the Young Women's presidency to host the event in her living room. Remove the art from her walls and hang pictures of the different LDS temples instead. Create a five-foot high all-white floral arrangement for the room's focal point. In front of the flowers, set up a table and cover it with a white lace cloth and one of the centerpieces described below. Also, if the curtains, carpet, and walls are not white, be sure to replace and/or repaint all three, and slip-cover the furniture as well.

Standard's Night Program

Opening Song: I Love to See the Temple

Opening Prayer: by invitation

Demonstration:

Invite another member of the Young Women's presidency to present one the following analogies:

1.

(For the centerpiece: design an all white wedding bouquet out of blown sugar.)

"Imagine you're a beautiful rose plant who lets herself be picked by the first boy who comes along. Now what returned missionary will be interested in your bush?"

2.

(For the centerpiece: carve out an ice sculpture of Salt Lake's Temple Square.)

"Pretend you're a popsicle. Who do you want to be licked by? A good Mormon boy who will stick you right back in the freezer ? -- or -- Some non-member who'll take you to the park, have what he wants, then leave you in a hot and sticky mess on the grass?"

3.

(For the centerpiece: weave an all white tapestry with an inlay of President Monson's face.)

"Think of yourself as a doormat. Where would you want to get laid? In the entrance of some disreputable tavern? -- or -- In the temple where you will only be stepped on by righteous priesthood holders?"

Conclude with, "It is my prayer that each and every one of you finds a righteous LDS man to -- fertilize you -- or -- keep you frozen -- or -- walk all over you -- for time and all eternity."

Special Musical Number

Invite the Beehive, Mia Maid, and Laurel class presidencies to make and model modest wedding gowns to the tune of Circle of Our Love from Saturday's Warrior.

(The music should be played way reverently by two members of the Young Women's presidency: one on the piano and the other on another super classy instrument -- like the harp.)

Main Speaker

Invite the bishop to give a super respectful talk about all the private places a righteous Young Woman should never let a boy touch and all the things she should never let him do.


Closing Song: I Am a Child of God


Closing Prayer: by invitation


Refreshments: Handmade multi-tiered wedding cake with white chocolate ruffles and sugar orchids. Raspberry sherbet punch fountain. Nut cups. Little butter mints made from scratch.


**Be sure to send each girl home with a super cute fridge magnet made out of something way fun like shrinky dink plastic or dough art with the saying: 
"Sex outside of marriage is the sin next to murder."

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you're super selfish and way shallow.