From: Wilbur T. Nussel, soon to be former 2nd counselor in the Elders Quorum presidency
Subject: I want my planet back!
Recently an article on the LDS website announced a shocking reversal in longstanding Mormon doctrine:
"Latter-day Saints' doctrine of exhalation is often reduced in media to a (similarly) cartoonish image of people receiving their own planets."Excuse me? Since when did my future planet become a cartoon? It was supposed to be the real deal. And not "in media." In church! Every Sunday. They promised. My very own planet. For crying out loud, it's the least the Brethren can do for me, given what I've done for them.
What I've Done For Them (the short list)
- Attended all my meetings.
- Paid my tithing.
- Cleaned the ward meetinghouse toilets.
- Cleaned the interior of the Turley Family's Suburban.
- I read the entire Book of Mormon.
- Watched the Super Bowl every year on Monday.
- Knew the Church was true with every fiber of my being.
- Dutifully tried to collect fast offerings from the bitter inactive gay guy.
- Turned down a part as a member of the Zero Population Growth gang in Saturday's Warrior, citing moral objections.
- Sat through hour long one on ones with the bishop about masturbation.
- Raised my arm to the square and said "get thee hence" to the super-hot nonmember girl who flirted with me in high school.
- Served a mission in Hawaii where I wasn't allowed to go swimming or look at a girl's midriff.
- I spent an entire semester at BYU-Idaho.
- Accepted a blind date invitation composed on my windshield in unscrewed Oreos.
- Broke the above date when I discovered she wanted to go see Frozen.
I could go on, but you get it, don't you Abbottsville 4th? I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET A PLANET! Also a whole string of bare-midriffed wives, including the super-hot nonmember girl from high school--after I convert her in the Spirit World, of course.
That's it, Brethren! You're not ripping off this worthy priesthood holder. Either refund me my entire planet or I'm done.
If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll level with you. You're going to get a planet. Just keep it on the "down low" when you're around the media.
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