Coming Soon: The Girls From Fourth Ward

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward and the wonderful people who read this blog
From: Donna Banta
Subject: The Girls From Fourth Ward, a novel

Over the years on Ward Gossip I have reposted emails from Bishop Brent Loomis "whose shocking murder remains unsolved." Finally, the truth behind his mysterious devise will be revealed in my new novel, The Girls From Fourth Ward. It will be available as both a paperback and an ebook soon. Here is an excerpt:

     Bishop Loomis of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward relaxed behind the expansive mahogany desk in his church office. His volume of scripture was precisely aligned in the desk’s top left corner, telephone top center, pen and pencil cup top right. His appointment calendar lay square in the center of his fine leather desk pad, opened to today’s date.

In spite of his many obligations, the bishop felt at peace. Never in his life had he been so confident of his own opinion, secure in his relationships, and proud of his work in the Kingdom of God.

      In fact, his calm was so complete that when his office door opened, and he looked up to greet the familiar face, he did not even notice the gun that fired a bullet square into the center of the neatly pressed, starched white pocket that covered up his heart.   

More to come! 

Brace Yourselves Sisters, It's Another Mother's Day Tribute

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: This Sunday's Tribute to Mothers

We live in perilous times. The Constitution is hanging by a thread, our president (who should be tried for treason) recently endorsed gay marriage, and everywhere we turn we see people putting off marriage to have "too much fun," as well as women who are taking over! Now, more than ever, it is important that we clearly define a woman's divine role. Because of the extreme urgency of the message, this special service was planned carefully in advance, then vetted and approved by the Bishop, the Stake President, the Church Correlation Committee, the General Authorities, the Romney Campaign, and God.

ATTENDANCE IS MANDATORY

Below is an outline of the program along with approved excerpts from the talks:

Sacrament Meeting

Presiding: Bishop Paul Zimmerman

Abbottsville Fourth Ward -- Mother's Day Service

Conducting: Bishop Zimmerman

Pianist: Sister Peterson

Music Director: Brother Souter

Opening Hymn: #322 Come all ye Sons of God

Opening Prayer: Brother Harold

Ward Business: Bishop Zimmerman

Sacrament Hymn: #171 With Humble Heart

Administration of the Sacrament by the Aaronic Priesthood

Youth Speaker: Esther Renfro -- "The Best Mom (not) in the World."

"My friends at school like to brag that their moms went to fancy colleges to become doctors and lawyers and stuff. Then I tell them that my mom went to Relief Society to learn how to make living room furniture out of PVC pipe, hot glue and styrofoam. That pretty much shuts them up."

Special Musical Number: Primary Chorus -- Sunshine is Special 

Speaker: Sister Jeanette Evans -- "Babies are Special."

"The other day when I was changing little Jimmy's poopy diaper, he looked up at me and said 'Ga-boo-be-bah' -- just like they were his own little words -- and, oh my heck -- I told myself I wouldn't cry -- but babies are just so special!" 

Special Musical Number: Young Women's Choir -- Smiles are Special

Speaker: Brother Wilford Bromley -- "The Most Respected Role on Earth."

"Dear Sisters, you care for our children, clean our houses, cook all of our favorite meals, tend our gardens, do our laundry, buy our groceries, iron our shirts, darn our socks, are always available in bed, don't expect a dime, wait on us every waking moment, let us do all of the talking, hang on our every word, and never complain. After all of that, how can we possibly NOT respect you? Anyway, why do you care?"

Closing Hymn: Cinnamon Rolls are Special (words are on the back of the program)

Benediction: Brother Newsome

In order to show that we Latter-day Saints are a progressive, open-minded, egalitarian people, the Aaronic Priesthood will then hand out a flower to every sister in the Relief Society, even those who are single, childless, divorced, employed, "so called lesbians," or for some other selfish reason can't catch or hold on to a man.  

Upon completion of the distribution of flowers, ward members are released to the Cultural Hall for a four course Mother's Day feast, prepared and served by the Relief Society.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll still give you a flower.

Earning Her MRS Degree

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Ruthie Renfro
Subject: Doing my darndest at BYU-I

Dear Abbottsville Fourth,

So it's Summer Session before my senior year at BYU-Idaho, and I know what you all are thinking: When's our Ruthie going to get her MRS? Golly, I wish I knew! All I can say is I'm doing my darndest!!

For starters, I'm taking, Economics, Algebra, Linguistics, Geography, and Logic.

...Now, I know what you're thinking, A-4, what's our dum-dum Ruthie doing with that schedule? Actually my reasoning is super smart. In every one of those classes, I'm the only girl in the lecture hall! Tee-hee! I'm joining as many sturdy groups as possible. ;-)

Also, I cook for 7 different guys' apartments, do housekeeping for 5, and iron for all the RM's I can rip the shirts off of. Unfortunately, 9 of the 27 missionaries I was writing have returned, but I keep a weekly correspondence with the remaining 18. Of course, all of this activity makes it hard to keep my grades up. But that might be a good thing. The more classes I flunk, the longer my senior year drags out!! ;-)

Speaking of those 9 missionaries who recently returned, 1 of them still isn't engaged!! Don't worry A-4, I'm on it! I just asked him to this Saturday's dance!! Oh, and guys, check out how I did it. First I sent him a super fancy invitation I handmade out of construction paper, pipe cleaners, and glitter. Then I sent him an e-vite. Then I blew up a life-sized cardboard cutout of me all decked out like Lady Gaga emerging from an egg (only modestly dressed, of course), snuck it into his room, and rigged it to play my voice singing "Don't be a drag -- let me be your queen" the minute he walked in the door. Then, just to be sure I got his attention, I spelled out "Dance Me" on his car windshield in unscrewed Oreos. Now I'm posting PLEASE SAY YES!! on his Facebook wall every 10 minutes until I hear back from him. I hope that covers my bases. Ordinarily it would, but it's senior year, and I can't leave any stone unturned! Better start tweeting him too.

Needless to say, I'm doing everything I can to make you proud A-4. The last thing I want is to embarrass or let you down. Also, it's super important to me to be an example to the Young Women. For one thing, I am happy to be the first female at BYU-I to take Logic!!!

I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of your prayers and e-mails. And that ward fast you held to help me with my weight loss is really working! As of this morning, I'm down 1 1/2 pounds!! With any luck, I'll slim down even more. -- Then maybe this time next year, I'll be filling up some maternity clothes!! ;-)

Keep praying for me guys!
Ruthie

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, check this box.

Why A Mormon Should Be President

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: The case for a Mormon presidency

Recently, when Mitt Romney suggested that he relied on his wife to keep him informed on women's issues, he drew criticism from a radical feminist commentator who claimed that Sister Romney had "never worked a day in her life." This attack gave the Romney campaign a prime opportunity to condemn the evil cabal of feminists, gays, and so-called intellectuals who are waging the real war on women.

But it also provided us with another opportunity. That is, it's given us a chance to show America why a Mormon president -- and only a Mormon president -- is uniquely equipped to fix our failing economy.

Unlike worldly non-member statesmen, an LDS president would never blow taxpayer money on some high priced, snobby academic to advise him on women's issues. After all, he has his wife, who's never earned a dime in her life. Likewise, when it comes to advice on other issues, he has the folks in his ward, who don't expect a plug nickel.

Think about it. What if the next president came from the Abbottsville Fourth? Imagine all the free talent he could draw on. For example, Brother Bromley, who's installed the sprinkler systems for every homeowner in the ward; Brother Dale, who makes those cool birdhouses; Brother Turley who lays concrete; and Sister Spencer, who just certified to teach ESL classes. Put their minds to work, and a thrifty LDS commander and chief could eliminate the entire Department of Housing and Urban Development, and at least half of the Department of Education.

As for manning the State Department, no problemo! Nobody has a bigger world view than we do. Brother Harold served a mission in South Korea, I went to Bogota, the Newsome's just got back from one of those Disney cruises, and Elder Young is in the mission field as we speak, busily converting France.

But we'd want to be careful here, about the whole -- you know -- diversity thing. We wouldn't want to appear insensitive. Luckily, nothing is more diverse than a Mormon ward. Here in the Abbottsville Fourth there's Hermano Velasquez, whose home grown chili peppers would make him a shoe-in for Agriculture. Also Brother Pukahi, whose skill with the ukelele ought to land him the VP spot. Then there's Brother Gibson, who isn't married ... or dating. We'd fit him in as well. (So long as he's celibate.)

If we needed to, we could draw more representation from the stake, region, and across the country, without any bias toward race, gender, or sexual orientation.  -- So long as they're all Mormons, of course.

If this does come to pass, our government will be like one giant lay priesthood. It won't cost a dime, and will be worth every penny. Best of all, every American citizen will be living the rich and fulfilling life of a Latter-day Saint -- whether they are one or not.

-- Although we might not want to put it that way. --

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, you may be missing out on a key cabinet position.

It's Our Moment!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council and Local Romney Campaign Chair
Subject: the Mormon Moment

Romney has all but clinched the Republican nomination, and it is truly the Mormon Moment. Never before in its history has the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints taken such a forefront on the international stage. At long last, people far and wide will have the opportunity to view a clear and accurate portrayal of the Mormons, our beliefs, and what our organization stands for. And, as I'm sure all of you know...

-- This absolutely can not happen --

It is essential that we are prepared to field those inevitable "gotcha questions" from the community and the media. We advise all ward members to memorize the following talking points:

• I won't talk about the doctrines of my religion. 
• No. Next question.
• We love gays.
• I know all about women's issues because I have to listen to my wife.
• We're just not going to have a discussion about religion in my view.
• Want to borrow my King James Bible?
• We love women.
• I'm a strong believer of the faith of my fathers.
• I'm as liberal as the next guy.
• Don't go there.
• Did you know that Orem, Utah is Family City USA?
• We love blacks.
• I'm thinking of growing a mustache.
• We don't want a pastor-in-cheif. 
• Because they were offended and wanted to sin.
• Want to see my tattoo?
• I never tap-danced on my mission. Not even once.
• We're not a weird people.
• Want me to do your genealogy?
• Guess what! I just won a skateboard competition.
• I don't even want my own planet.
• Believe me buddy, ONE wife's already more than I can handle! -- Snort.
• Why can't people just leave us alone?
• I don't know that we teach that.
• We've always had our enemies.
• That's a lie!
• No hablo Ingles.

The above responses have been successfully tested in numerous focus groups. However if, for some reason, they fail to work, just cover your ears and sing out America the Beautiful.

Vote for Romney!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, the answer is NO. Next question.

Another General Conference Feast

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: General Conference was super yummy!

Last October, I took a trip to Utah to visit friends and family, take in the beauty of Sundance Canyon, attend another awesome Ex-Mormon Conference, and visit the prestigious food storage mecca, Shelf Reliance, where I purchased a freeze dried entree for a future potluck at my house. Since the #10 size can had a 5 year shelf life, there was no rush to set a date. So we waited for the obvious occasion to roll around: The 182nd Semi-Annual Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, held (appropriately) on April 1.

It was the perfect pairing! Think of it this way:

Movie -- Coke and popcorn.

Ball game -- Beer and hot dogs.

General Conference -- Jell-O and dehydrated chicken flakes.

Just add water -- or snack on it dry!

Ali and Eric brought the Jell-O!

Now the world would have you believe that preparing a chicken dinner means going all the way to the store for hoity toity ingredients with virtually no shelf life:

Only available at high end supermarkets

Then roasting it for over an hour in a hot oven:

Tastes okay tonight, but what about 5 years from now?

But thanks to the staff in my Post-Mormon Test Kitchen, we've learned that it's much easier to grab a can from your food storage, add water, and, in no time flat have this:

Delicious for a decade.

But wait there's more! After dinner, we went on to dessert. Our pastry chef, Sarah, prepared two batches of brownies: one using hot water and a freeze-dried brownie mix; the other using a "from scratch" recipe she found in that venerable academic review, BYU Magazine. 

She conducted a blind taste test:

Sarah was way scientific.

Guess what?! The freeze dried batch won.

(More proof that girls don't need to go to college.)

For good measure, we did have conference on in the background. But everyone agreed that the 182nd was a major snore-fest. We concluded that the Brethren were doing their best to avoid interfering with the Romney Campaign. (If that's the case, does it mean they actually know how obnoxious their opinions are?)

In addition to crazy GA's, we also discussed crazy Mormon exes, crazy Mormon parents, crazy Mormon siblings, crazy Mormon friends, and crazy Mormon ex-friends. Also the long suffering nice Mormons who put up with us, and the sneaky and ingenious Mormons we admire. For example, the girl whose mom and dad would only pay for BYU. Instead of caving, she took a year off, holed up in her room in her parents' house, and earned $ for "gentile college" by doing Playboy webcam videos. -- Talk about self-reliance!

We also reflected on how happy we are to have Sundays free in the great city of San Francisco. And we enjoyed an array of worldly beverages and damned good food -- along with light-mindedness, loud laughter, and evil speaking of the self appointed.

In closing, it was indeed a spiritual feast.