Fifty Courts of Love to Debut on Valentine's Day
Salt Lake News - published February 13, 2015
SALT LAKE CITY-- Tomorrow night the LDS Church will release it's newest feature film, Fifty Courts of Love. A flight of fan fiction loosely based on the LDS Handbooks of Instruction, Fifty Courts draws on the growing popularity of "Mormon Erotica," a genre aimed at the small, but enthusiastic segment of LDS priesthood leaders who experience libidinous pleasure when witnessing the denigration, humiliation and expulsion of the most articulate and talented members of their church.
In order to enhance what producer, Hobart Graham, calls the film's "shock and awe" value, no trailer has been released and the plot remains a guarded secret. But Graham has dropped a few hints about what viewers can expect.
"Excommunication trials have always had a kinky appeal to our audience," Graham told The News. "It's basic. You've got a woman lawyer who thinks she's so big, or a PhD who thinks he's so smart. Or a gay guy. Then real men like us get to force him or her into a cramped, uncomfortable space, ask official questions, and exercise the full power of our priesthood. Submission is sweet, right? But think about how much sweeter it will be when, thanks to poetic license, we change the venue to the basement of a Utah Valley hardware store, up the physical restraints, and expand the realm of official questions."
While the movie's release is eagerly anticipated by some, other LDS Church members plan to boycott the film.
"Sounds like smut to me," said Wilma Baxter, a 64-year-old resident of Bountiful insisted.
C. Delbert Baxter, age 66, echoed his wife's disinterest. "Mormon Erotica? I'd derive more pleasure from a documentary about cheese."
But the filmmakers, as well as church officials, believe Fifty Courts will attract a larger audience as viewer excitement grows. "Mormon Erotica is quite different from the worldly variety," said Graham. "Worldly Erotica is all about kissing and fondling and groping. Our audience isn't aroused by any of that--least of all on Valentine's Day. For us it's all about . . . discipline."
While there have been no leaks from anonymous sources directly involved in the film's production, several Utah Valley Dollar Stores are reported to be completely sold out of conservative neckties.
***And congratulations to the winners of the 2014 Brodie Awards!
Friday, February 13, 2015
Thursday, February 5, 2015
The Annual Brodie Awards/Super Bowl Post
This may be the best Brodie Awards season yet! 2014 boasted a record number of great LDS-themed blogs, books, posts, discussion forums and podcasts. The competition is stiff--starting with eleven sites competing for best new blog! (Including my personal favorite, Sheep Dip.)
I'm thrilled to be nominated in 5 categories this year. But, while I've managed to sneak away with a prize or 2 in years past, I don't expect to win this time around. Just check out some of my competition: Infants on Thrones, Brother Jake, runtu, Peggy Fletcher Stack (!!!), Holly Welker, and even chanson herself. With my name alongside the likes of those and the other talented writers, I am indeed thrilled just to be nominated.
One thing's for certain, this year's awards are proof that Main Street Plaza's Outer Blogness is not only not going away, it's gathering steam. What was it? Those church essays? The cheesy LDS feature length film? Joseph Smith's crazy libido? Kate Kelly's excommunication? Or was it that underwear video? For whatever reason, LDS Church leaders certainly drew attention to themselves this past year, and not always in a good way.
Vote for your favorites here in the Brodie Awards on Main Street Plaza.
Also this past Sunday, Mark and I hosted another ExMormon Super Bowl party, giving me the opportunity to post a series of candid pictures that prove once and for all that we left because we were offended and wanted to sin.
For those of us here on the Left Coast, the Seahawk's loss in the final seconds was a crushing blow. But we jollied ourselves up with much loud laughter, lightmindedness, and evil speaking of the self-appointed--carrying on the grand tradition of partying on Sunday. :)
I'm thrilled to be nominated in 5 categories this year. But, while I've managed to sneak away with a prize or 2 in years past, I don't expect to win this time around. Just check out some of my competition: Infants on Thrones, Brother Jake, runtu, Peggy Fletcher Stack (!!!), Holly Welker, and even chanson herself. With my name alongside the likes of those and the other talented writers, I am indeed thrilled just to be nominated.
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| That being said, vote for ME!! |
Vote for your favorites here in the Brodie Awards on Main Street Plaza.
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| Another child is corrupted |
For those of us here on the Left Coast, the Seahawk's loss in the final seconds was a crushing blow. But we jollied ourselves up with much loud laughter, lightmindedness, and evil speaking of the self-appointed--carrying on the grand tradition of partying on Sunday. :)
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| Everything! Even the ExMormon Funeral Potatoes. |
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| Blue hair looks great without a temple veil |
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| No BYU Beard Card required |
In the name of cheese and rice, amen.
Friday, January 30, 2015
So Much Material, So Little Time
Since I started this blog some years ago, there has been the occasional week when I've had to stretch to come up with some Mormon-themed topic to write about.
Then there are weeks like this one, when there's so much material I just can't decide. I almost wish I had one of those big roulette-style wheels I could spin and then go with the topic it lands on. Lacking that technology, I think I'll just list all the events, along with my brief commentary and let my readers decide which one carries the most interest.
The LDS "Pro-Gay Rights" Press Conference
On Tuesday Apostles Dallin Oaks and Jeffrey Holland, along with General Young Women's president, Sister Neill F. Marriott announced in a press conference that the LDS Church supports a state bill that protects LGBT rights, specifically in areas of employment, housing and public transportation.
Why is this interesting? On the surface because it's unusual to see the LDS Church officially back any legislation that specifically benefits the LGBT community.
But that's a tad misleading. The majority of the event was consumed by a defense of religious freedom, the implication that churches should have a greater voice than secular institutions, and the assertion that individuals who embrace bigoted views because of their religion should not be "discriminated against." According to Dallin Oaks:
Dallin Oaks' Refusal to Apologize to Gays
In a Tuesday interview with the Tribune, Dallin Oaks said (in regard to the possibility of an official church apology to gays):
Why is this interesting? The utter, bleeding hubris, obviously. For years, the LDS Church has marginalized gays, branded them as sinners, even conducted electroshock therapy treatment at their church-run university. The church continues to oppose gay marriage. Moreover, official doctrine still requires actively gay Mormons to confess their "sins" to their church authorities, feel sorrow over their actions, and then repent. Church leaders, on the other hand, are exempt from apologies.
What might Oaks personally apologize for? How about his answer to the question, "What if my gay son wants to bring his partner home?"
D. Todd Christofferson Promised to Expand the Mormons and Gays Website
Why is this interesting? For writers of satire blogs like me it's great news. Christofferson's brainchild, Mormons and Gays, is a veritable treasure trove of material. Beginning with this quote on its homepage:
LDS Church Asking Mormons for Input on Temple Garments
There's a survey. Online.
Why is this interesting? Well, the Mormon temple garment has always been a source of fascination. Also, it must be a hopeful sign to the rank and file that there may be some less itchy, wedgie-free days in their future.
--But in this particular week, it emphasizes the point that Mormons are not only told what to think, how to vote, and who to marry, but also what to wear--right down to their underwear.
And speaking of how to vote…
Mitt Romney Decided Not to Run for President
Why is this interesting? I know there are some diehard LDS Republicans who may be shedding tears over this. But, man-oh-man, is it a relief to the greater Mormon community who were dreading another torturous year--potentially four years--of listening to our former stake president's droning voice, lame jokes, and nonsensical unprepared remarks on a daily basis. He may not have been the biggest nut in the jar, but, paraphrasing Jane Austen, we ExMormons are happy to let the other candidates have time to exhibit.
--Thanks to Ahab--who understands our predicament--and was first to surprise me with the happy news about Romney this morning.
So, Gentle Readers, which of the above carries your interest? All? Any? Or are you among the sensible majority whose thoughts are only on football this weekend?
Also, the time has arrived to vote for your favorite Mormon-themed blogs and sites in the 2014 Brodie Awards! Vote here.
Then there are weeks like this one, when there's so much material I just can't decide. I almost wish I had one of those big roulette-style wheels I could spin and then go with the topic it lands on. Lacking that technology, I think I'll just list all the events, along with my brief commentary and let my readers decide which one carries the most interest.
The LDS "Pro-Gay Rights" Press Conference
On Tuesday Apostles Dallin Oaks and Jeffrey Holland, along with General Young Women's president, Sister Neill F. Marriott announced in a press conference that the LDS Church supports a state bill that protects LGBT rights, specifically in areas of employment, housing and public transportation.
Why is this interesting? On the surface because it's unusual to see the LDS Church officially back any legislation that specifically benefits the LGBT community.
But that's a tad misleading. The majority of the event was consumed by a defense of religious freedom, the implication that churches should have a greater voice than secular institutions, and the assertion that individuals who embrace bigoted views because of their religion should not be "discriminated against." According to Dallin Oaks:
"Churches should stand on at least as strong a footing as any other entity when they enter the public sphere to participate in public policy debates." (Italics added.)--In other words, more self-centered whining from the Brethren about how persecuted they are because of their bigoted, outdated views.
Dallin Oaks' Refusal to Apologize to Gays
In a Tuesday interview with the Tribune, Dallin Oaks said (in regard to the possibility of an official church apology to gays):
"I know that the history of the church is not to seek apologies or to give them. We sometimes look back on issues and say, 'Maybe that was counterproductive for what we wish to achieve,' but we look forward and not backward."Then on Thursday, during a video chat, he exacerbated things further by telling Tribune reporter, Jennifer Napier-Pearce, that the word "apology" did not appear in LDS scripture.
Why is this interesting? The utter, bleeding hubris, obviously. For years, the LDS Church has marginalized gays, branded them as sinners, even conducted electroshock therapy treatment at their church-run university. The church continues to oppose gay marriage. Moreover, official doctrine still requires actively gay Mormons to confess their "sins" to their church authorities, feel sorrow over their actions, and then repent. Church leaders, on the other hand, are exempt from apologies.
What might Oaks personally apologize for? How about his answer to the question, "What if my gay son wants to bring his partner home?"
"I can imagine that in most circumstances the parents would say, ‘Please don’t do that. Don’t put us into that position.’ Surely if there are children in the home who would be influenced by this example, the answer would likely be that. . . . I can also imagine some circumstances in which it might be possible to say, ‘Yes, come, but don’t expect to stay overnight. Don’t expect to be a lengthy house guest. Don’t expect us to take you out and introduce you to our friends, or to deal with you in a public situation that would imply our approval of your 'partnership.'"--Read the entire interview here on the official Mormon Newsroom site.
D. Todd Christofferson Promised to Expand the Mormons and Gays Website
Why is this interesting? For writers of satire blogs like me it's great news. Christofferson's brainchild, Mormons and Gays, is a veritable treasure trove of material. Beginning with this quote on its homepage:
"The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people."a--But also because, Christofferson, who has a gay brother, seems to consider himself progressive because he advocates being "civil" in our discourse about homosexuality--thus driving home how unbelievably clueless the Brethren continue to be on this issue.
LDS Church Asking Mormons for Input on Temple Garments
There's a survey. Online.
Why is this interesting? Well, the Mormon temple garment has always been a source of fascination. Also, it must be a hopeful sign to the rank and file that there may be some less itchy, wedgie-free days in their future.
--But in this particular week, it emphasizes the point that Mormons are not only told what to think, how to vote, and who to marry, but also what to wear--right down to their underwear.
And speaking of how to vote…
Mitt Romney Decided Not to Run for President
Why is this interesting? I know there are some diehard LDS Republicans who may be shedding tears over this. But, man-oh-man, is it a relief to the greater Mormon community who were dreading another torturous year--potentially four years--of listening to our former stake president's droning voice, lame jokes, and nonsensical unprepared remarks on a daily basis. He may not have been the biggest nut in the jar, but, paraphrasing Jane Austen, we ExMormons are happy to let the other candidates have time to exhibit.
--Thanks to Ahab--who understands our predicament--and was first to surprise me with the happy news about Romney this morning.
________________
Also, the time has arrived to vote for your favorite Mormon-themed blogs and sites in the 2014 Brodie Awards! Vote here.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Abbottsville 4th Prepares for Post Dehlin Excommunication Riots
To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update
In preparation for John Dehlin's disciplinary council this Sunday, I am increasing the Ward Threat Level to RED.
I have never met Dehlin personally, visited his website, or viewed any of his Mormon Stories podcasts.
However, according to my research, Mormon Stories is a forum where disgruntled anti-Mormons promote their evil agenda of gay marriage, Ordain Women, evolution, so-called "life after Mormonism," mito-something-or-other DNA, and other whiny, subversive nonsense that only serves to undermine the straight, white patriarchal way of life the Brethren insist we know and love.
In the event of this Tool of Satan's excommunication, and the inevitable rioting that will follow, all ward members are advised to lock your doors, board up your windows and brace yourselves for the onslaught of blood-thirsty feminists, gays, and intellectuals intent on their usual mischief: looting, murdering, masturbating, and boasting about "life after Mormonism."
As always, every ward member should have on hand a 1 year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 handguns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon of consecrated oil. Also scriptures, the Ensign, dominoes, Yahtzee!, Twister, and other diversions to help kill time in the bunker.
In the event that John Dehlin is not excommunicated or disfellowshipped this Sunday, all ward members are instructed to abort the above mission and the Relief Society is ordered to bake Brother Dehlin some cookies.
This concludes this Ward Preparedness Update.
If you would like to stop receiving these emails we'll assume you're silly enough to believe there is such a thing as "life after Mormonism."
--Also congratulations to X-Mormon of the Year 2014, Kate Kelly! And there's still time to nominate your favorite Mormon-themed blogs for a Brodie Award.
From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist
Subject: Ward Preparedness Update
In preparation for John Dehlin's disciplinary council this Sunday, I am increasing the Ward Threat Level to RED.
I have never met Dehlin personally, visited his website, or viewed any of his Mormon Stories podcasts.
However, according to my research, Mormon Stories is a forum where disgruntled anti-Mormons promote their evil agenda of gay marriage, Ordain Women, evolution, so-called "life after Mormonism," mito-something-or-other DNA, and other whiny, subversive nonsense that only serves to undermine the straight, white patriarchal way of life the Brethren insist we know and love.
In the event of this Tool of Satan's excommunication, and the inevitable rioting that will follow, all ward members are advised to lock your doors, board up your windows and brace yourselves for the onslaught of blood-thirsty feminists, gays, and intellectuals intent on their usual mischief: looting, murdering, masturbating, and boasting about "life after Mormonism."
As always, every ward member should have on hand a 1 year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 handguns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon of consecrated oil. Also scriptures, the Ensign, dominoes, Yahtzee!, Twister, and other diversions to help kill time in the bunker.
In the event that John Dehlin is not excommunicated or disfellowshipped this Sunday, all ward members are instructed to abort the above mission and the Relief Society is ordered to bake Brother Dehlin some cookies.
This concludes this Ward Preparedness Update.
If you would like to stop receiving these emails we'll assume you're silly enough to believe there is such a thing as "life after Mormonism."
--Also congratulations to X-Mormon of the Year 2014, Kate Kelly! And there's still time to nominate your favorite Mormon-themed blogs for a Brodie Award.
Friday, January 16, 2015
Enthusiasm Builds Around Romney's Third Candidacy
Romney's Base Urges Him to Run in 2016
The Salt Lake News -- published January 16, 2015
SALT LAKE CITY -- Excitement was high at the after-party for an LDS VIP screening of Meet the Mormons this past Tuesday. Mitt Romney had recently announced that he was considering another run for the presidency -- and his loyal followers couldn't be more thrilled.
"There's no doubt that the Brethren's inspired PR efforts have energized Romney's base," church spokesperson, Wilford Delacorte said, referring to the aforementioned feature-length documentary as well as the recent essay touting the prophet Joseph Smith's numerous accomplishments. "Now we're turning the time over to Mitt."
It would appear that Republicans throughout Romney Country share Delacorte's enthusiasm.
"We're on fire down here in Utah Valley," Delores Rudd, a Republican operative from Orem, declared. "He's our one and only true candidate."
But GOP officials outside the boundaries of the former governor's influence remain skeptical about a third Romney bid, claiming the candidate failed to connect with average voters or even fellow Republicans.
"By Romney's own admission, he doesn't care about the votes of 47% of the electorate," Camilla Franklin, a Republican fund raiser from Minnesota, complained. "He boasted that his wife owned a 'couple of Cadillacs' and challenged Rick Perry to a $10,000 bet. Who are this loser's base and what flavor Kool-Aid are they drinking?"
Iowa Republican strategist, Wilbur Lumley, is also baffled by the solidarity of the Romney base. "Mitt seems like a nice guy and all. But he lost miserably. I don't get these people who call him their 'one and only true candidate.' What do they even mean by that?"
Bristling at the criticism, Ms. Rudd countered, "I understand there are elements in the nonmember wing of the party who fear that it will be a repeat of 2012. But that's only because they don't understand the doctrine of continuing revelation. Mitt's totally in tune with what's trending. In 2016, the screen on his Etch-A-Sketch will be completely refreshed."
In a recent interview with The Salt Lake News, Heber G. Sneed, a political science professor from the University of Utah and former Jon Huntsman supporter, summarized Romney's unique position in the potential Republican field.
"In order to secure a base," Sneed explained. "The other Republican hopefuls have to appeal to the Tea Party or to the Christian Right, or to Wall Street, all of whom have substantial ideological agendas. But Romney's base is the Mormons, and the only thing on their agenda is winning. That gives Mitt a distinct advantage."
LDS Spokesperson Delacorte echoed Sneed's optimism. "Mark my words. Come January 20, 2017, Mitt Romney will take the oath of office and then, facing the entire world, proudly announce:
--In other news, yet another Mormon is set to be excommunicated over his support for same-sex marriage and the ordination of women. John Dehlin, host of Mormon Stories is scheduled to appear before an LDS Church disciplinary council on January 25, 2015. Read more here.
Also, if you haven't already, head over to Main Street Plaza to vote for X-Mormon of the Year and nominate your favorite Mormon-themed blogs for a Brodie Award!
The Salt Lake News -- published January 16, 2015
SALT LAKE CITY -- Excitement was high at the after-party for an LDS VIP screening of Meet the Mormons this past Tuesday. Mitt Romney had recently announced that he was considering another run for the presidency -- and his loyal followers couldn't be more thrilled.
"There's no doubt that the Brethren's inspired PR efforts have energized Romney's base," church spokesperson, Wilford Delacorte said, referring to the aforementioned feature-length documentary as well as the recent essay touting the prophet Joseph Smith's numerous accomplishments. "Now we're turning the time over to Mitt."
It would appear that Republicans throughout Romney Country share Delacorte's enthusiasm.
"We're on fire down here in Utah Valley," Delores Rudd, a Republican operative from Orem, declared. "He's our one and only true candidate."
But GOP officials outside the boundaries of the former governor's influence remain skeptical about a third Romney bid, claiming the candidate failed to connect with average voters or even fellow Republicans.
"By Romney's own admission, he doesn't care about the votes of 47% of the electorate," Camilla Franklin, a Republican fund raiser from Minnesota, complained. "He boasted that his wife owned a 'couple of Cadillacs' and challenged Rick Perry to a $10,000 bet. Who are this loser's base and what flavor Kool-Aid are they drinking?"
Iowa Republican strategist, Wilbur Lumley, is also baffled by the solidarity of the Romney base. "Mitt seems like a nice guy and all. But he lost miserably. I don't get these people who call him their 'one and only true candidate.' What do they even mean by that?"
Bristling at the criticism, Ms. Rudd countered, "I understand there are elements in the nonmember wing of the party who fear that it will be a repeat of 2012. But that's only because they don't understand the doctrine of continuing revelation. Mitt's totally in tune with what's trending. In 2016, the screen on his Etch-A-Sketch will be completely refreshed."
In a recent interview with The Salt Lake News, Heber G. Sneed, a political science professor from the University of Utah and former Jon Huntsman supporter, summarized Romney's unique position in the potential Republican field.
"In order to secure a base," Sneed explained. "The other Republican hopefuls have to appeal to the Tea Party or to the Christian Right, or to Wall Street, all of whom have substantial ideological agendas. But Romney's base is the Mormons, and the only thing on their agenda is winning. That gives Mitt a distinct advantage."
LDS Spokesperson Delacorte echoed Sneed's optimism. "Mark my words. Come January 20, 2017, Mitt Romney will take the oath of office and then, facing the entire world, proudly announce:
I'm president of the United States . . . and I'm a Mormon."
______________________
--In other news, yet another Mormon is set to be excommunicated over his support for same-sex marriage and the ordination of women. John Dehlin, host of Mormon Stories is scheduled to appear before an LDS Church disciplinary council on January 25, 2015. Read more here.
Also, if you haven't already, head over to Main Street Plaza to vote for X-Mormon of the Year and nominate your favorite Mormon-themed blogs for a Brodie Award!
Friday, January 9, 2015
Salt Lake Temple Square Police Blotter
Crime Report - Salt Lake Temple Square
Salt Lake News--Published January 9, 2015
Disorderly
01/08/15 @ 13:47
Location: South Visitors Center
Details: Man carrying a ukelele reported acting erratically.
Criminal Mischief
01/08/15 @ 10:52
Location: Legacy Theater
Details: Giggling reported during a screening of Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration.
Theft
01/07/15 @ 15:19
Location: LDS Church Office Building
Details: Man reported to have taken an excessive amount of paper towels from a receptacle in the first floor lavatory.
Indecent Exposure
01/07/15 @ 12:02
Location: Lion House
Details: Woman entered premises wearing patterned tights under her dress.
Fraud
01/06/15 @ 11:16
Location: Salt Lake Temple, East Entrance
Details: Man attempted to gain access using his American Express Gold Card.
Sex Offense
01/06/15 @ 9:38
Location: Nauvoo Cafe
Details: Woman reported to be overly aroused while consuming an extra large jelly roll.
Trespassing
01/05/15 @ 17:06
Location: Parking Garage
Details: Woman on foot reported cutting across some empty parking slots marked, "Brethren Only."
Drugs
01/05/15 @ 13:37
Location: The Roof Restaurant
Details: Man reported to be consuming illegal substance. Turned out to be a Tic Tac.
***Gentle Readers, don't forget to go over to Main Street Plaza to vote for X-Mormon of the Year and nominate your favorite Mormon-themed blogs for the Brodie Awards!
Salt Lake News--Published January 9, 2015
Disorderly
01/08/15 @ 13:47
Location: South Visitors Center
Details: Man carrying a ukelele reported acting erratically.
Criminal Mischief
01/08/15 @ 10:52
Location: Legacy Theater
Details: Giggling reported during a screening of Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration.
Theft
01/07/15 @ 15:19
Location: LDS Church Office Building
Details: Man reported to have taken an excessive amount of paper towels from a receptacle in the first floor lavatory.
Indecent Exposure
01/07/15 @ 12:02
Location: Lion House
Details: Woman entered premises wearing patterned tights under her dress.
Fraud
01/06/15 @ 11:16
Location: Salt Lake Temple, East Entrance
Details: Man attempted to gain access using his American Express Gold Card.
Sex Offense
01/06/15 @ 9:38
Location: Nauvoo Cafe
Details: Woman reported to be overly aroused while consuming an extra large jelly roll.
Trespassing
01/05/15 @ 17:06
Location: Parking Garage
Details: Woman on foot reported cutting across some empty parking slots marked, "Brethren Only."
Drugs
01/05/15 @ 13:37
Location: The Roof Restaurant
Details: Man reported to be consuming illegal substance. Turned out to be a Tic Tac.
***Gentle Readers, don't forget to go over to Main Street Plaza to vote for X-Mormon of the Year and nominate your favorite Mormon-themed blogs for the Brodie Awards!
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