LDS Church Public Affairs Wants YOU!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Members needed for LDS Public Affairs

We Mormons have taken some hits lately. First the Romney presidential campaign drew a barrage of questions that stumped LDS leaders, embarrassed members, and rendered the former governor incapable of composing a straight answer. At the same time, we were persecuted by left-wing extremists who claimed that our inspired leaders in Utah had no business telling Californians whom they could marry. Then Hollywood produced a film that exposed the Mormons as the perpetrators of the Mountain Meadows Massacre. -- This after years of the Church successfully blaming the Indians. Add to that, HBO created the hit show, Big Love, based on the false premise that polygamy has been practiced in Utah, and that the Mormons have had something to do with it.

In the wake of this firestorm of negative and unfair press, the Brethren have humbly and prayerfully discussed how the LDS Church can improve its relations with the non-Mormon community, and soften its image to the public. Their solution? Pass the responsibility on to the members, of course. Hence the creation of the exciting new Church Public Affairs Committee. That's right, brothers and sisters, thanks to your inspired leaders, now every member is a publicist!

President Knightly and I are in the beginning stages of staffing our Stake Public Affairs Council. In the meantime, here are some things each and every one of you can do.

Start with your neighbors.
When you see your neighbor in his front yard, don't just ignore him as usual. Say "hi," make small talk, invite him to your house for a church approved, yet sophisticated beverage. (Fizzy water with a lime wedge is nice, as is an attractive service of herbal tea.) Then steer the conversation to church promoting topics, such as your monogamous marriage, or the King James Version of the Bible. Be aware that non-members make friends differently than members, that is, over a period of time, based on common interests, and with no hidden agenda. Quickly find out what he likes to do, learn to do whatever that is, and don't invite him out to church. (Yet.) Also, next time you borrow his power saw, return it.

Share your talents.

We all received gifts in the Pre-Existence, right? Now is the time to tell the world. Don't worry about developing a real talent. Fortunately today's market no longer requires that. Anything that will land you a spot on reality TV should do the trick, such as singing, dancing, an ability to eat things that turn people's stomachs, or a personality so shallow and vapid that others will find you amusing.

Prepare yourself for interviews with the press.
As we become more visible in society, there will be the inevitable inquiries from the media. In anticipation of this, the church has comprised a list of approved journalists who respect our beliefs, share our values, and are not obsessed with the facts. But even the most sympathetic interviewer may not be able to translate our jargon to a non-member audience. What means one thing to us, may mean an entirely different thing to the world. Memorize the following substitutions:
ward  --  local congregation
bishop  --  local ecclesiastical leader
elder  --  19 year old boy
the Lord's university  --  BYU
the Lord's senator  --  Orrin Hatch
the anti-Christ  --  Secretary Clinton
whiny, bitter ingrates -- former Mormons
truth  --  opinion
revelation  --  opinion
testimony  --  opinion
persecution  --  opinion
apologetics  --  lies
prophet, seer, and revelator  --  chief executive officer
church  --  corporation


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you need a translator.

LDS Young Women Think Pink!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Young Women

From: Sister Renee Newsome, Ward Young Women's President

Subject: Put on your PINK thinking caps, girls!

Here are some suggestions for the Values experiences you need to fulfill your LDS Young Women's Personal Progress. Pick one that best suits your own choice, sweet, and individual spirit. 

Faith

Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Ask an old lady in the ward to tell you how her decades of obedience to the Brethren, along with her expert baking skills, have ensured her a spot in the highest level of the Celestial Kingdom. Bake a batch of cupcakes with PINK icing.

Divine Nature
Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. List the divine qualities you were endowed with in the Pre-Existence, such as sweetness, subservience, thriftiness, buxomness, a flair for macrame, a profound lack of curiosity, etc. Pick your favorite divine quality and embroider it onto a PINK pillow case using PINK thread and surrounding it with pretty PINK flowers or sea horses.

Individual Worth
Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Prepare to receive your Patriarchal Blessing. Learn who can give Patriarchal Blessings. Write an essay entitled Why I Can't Give a Patriarchal Blessing. Be sure and use PINK paper and PINK ink.

Knowledge
Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. List some skills that will help you in your future career. Ask a little old lady in the ward to describe what the industry was like before the invention of the home food processor. Then make some really cute animal shaped sugar cookies with PINK frosting.

Choice and Accountability

Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Vow to avoid bad choices based on worldly logic and selfish personal preferences. Commit yourself to the One and Only True Church in spite of the consequences. Compose a poem entitled, Fun and Important Things my Non-Member Friends Get to Do but I Don't. Then print it in calligraphy on PINK paper using PINK ink.

Good Works
Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Learn about the neediest in society by talking to your dad, bishop, or even by reading a newspaper. Develop skills to help the needy, such as sock darning, mending, candy making and cross stitch. Crochet a dozen blankets and send them to Darfur. Be sure to use PINK yarn.

Integrity
Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Commit to standing for righteousness before your less-active and non-member friends. Cover your school text books with PINK paper, do your class work in PINK pen and pencil, and wear only PINK to school for a month. (Don't use PINK pencil to fill in the bubbles on computer scored tests. It doesn't work.)

Virtue

Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Embroider Marriage Between a Man and a Woman is Ordained of God onto a PINK pillowcase. Then study what the prophet Brigham Young taught about traditional marriage. Check out the CleanFlicks version of Steel Magnolias and freeze frame the wedding scene until you can tell the difference between BLUSH and BASHFUL.

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Write Your Own LDS General Conference Talk

To: Donna Banta
From: Mark Crawford
Subject: Mother's visit

Dear Donna,

Mother was in town for General Conference. So, instead of the usual three hour marathon with her at church, Byron and I were sentenced to twelve hours with her and the General Authorities in our living room. By now Mother has come to terms with the fact that I live with a man, and that I no longer obey the Word of Wisdom. This mercifully allowed Byron to mix multiple pitchers of martinis to accompany the talks. (Although Mother did ask what was in a martini, and when I told her she said, "Oh p-shaw!") Nevertheless, by the Sunday afternoon session, she was drinking them too.

Since you and the other lucky post-Mormons were living it up at the San Francisco Ferry Building, Byron and I decided to compose a synopsis of what you missed:

Generic General Conference Talk 

by Mark and Byron

Check all that apply.

Brothers and Sisters, today I would like to speak with you about:

a. obedience.

b. sweet little old ladies.

c. your filthy minds.

I know that many of you struggle with your commitment to the Gospel because of:

a. these trying economic times.

b. your addiction to porn.

c. your warped desire to have "fun."

For those who harbor such selfishness, I invite you to consider the least fortunate among us. Last month I visited a tiny LDS branch in:

a. Calcutta.

b. Mozambique.

c. Queens.

After church, the branch president invited me into his hut, where his wife offered me:

a. her last few drops of Hawaiian Punch.

b. a box of lime Jell-O.

c. the remainder of the strained carrots she was feeding her infant. 

I asked the young president if he was in need of any church welfare. He immediately waved me off, and said that he and his flock preferred that the church devote its resources to:

a. eliminating the Internet.

b. defining the word, "marriage."

c. developing a line of modest prom dresses.

While the generic G.A. reads the following lines, cut from his face to any or all of the accompanying pictures.

Would that we all had such faith! But then none of our trials are as great as those of our ancestors. Consider the sacrifice of my Great-great-great:

a. Uncle Hyrum who died defending traditional marriage.

b. Aunt Eugenia who dug Uncle Hyrum's grave with only a teaspoon.

c. Grandfather Maxwell, who went to the Sweden, Stockholm Mission and converted over 100 women.

In closing, brothers and sisters, I leave you my testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel. I bear witness that our Savior expects each and every one of you to:
a. pay a full tithe, attend all your meetings, go to the temple, magnify your calling, do your genealogy, have a year's supply of food, serve a mission, marry, raise at least 6 kids in the church, then serve a senior mission.
b. pay a full tithe, attend most of your meetings, have a temple recommend, and do your home/visiting teaching.
c. at least pay your tithing.

In return He promises:
a. you won't have a single minute to yourself.
b. you won't have time for any "fun."
c. there will be no money left over to spend on porn.

As I told Bishop Z, it was the most mind-numbingly boring crap I've ever seen on TV. And now I'm all out of vodka.

Regards,
Mark

Post-Mormon "Conference" at the San Francisco Ferry Building -- Visitors Welcome

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Psst! Abbottsville Fourth Ward, are you bored with General Conference yet?

Think how you'll feel this time tomorrow. Turn off your TV sets and come to the Post-Mormon "conference" instead.

You know you want to.

There will be a resurrection reenactment as promised, and we need more women to play Joseph Smith's wives.

See you there!

Mormons Urged To Stifle Their General Conference Critiques

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: LDS General Conference calls for civil discourse.

Since the ward's mass defection on "Super-bowl Sunday," I have visited with most of you, and, as promised, I have listened to and addressed your concerns. Recently, some have complained that the upcoming General Conference again interferes with your Easter weekend. Understand that the Easter holiday is first and foremost about our Savior, and not about fancy hats, baskets and egg hunts. That being said, you are free to have family egg hunts and basket exchanges -- on Saturday morning before the first session begins at 9:00 AM. Also, the sisters and girls may wear their pretty church hats while watching the Sunday sessions in their family rooms. Now, as to the conference itself, I know that many of you have strong opinions about it's length, content, and the LDS General Authorities personally. We all have a right to our opinions, but we also have a responsibility to set good examples. Brothers and sisters, I urge you this weekend to keep your reactions to the conference talks civil, and in your indoor voices. In that spirit, I've compiled some alternative ways of conveying the thoughts you've so generously shared with me.

"This is the most mind-numbingly boring crap I've ever seen on television."

Change to:

"Golly, you don't see this kind of action on HBO."
________

"Why are we wasting our time with this drivel? We should be outside playing with our kids."

Change to:

"Isn't it nice that the Church doesn't charge us money to watch this?"
________

"That Elder So and So makes me so @#$%-ing mad, I want to reach through the television screen and wring his blubbery neck!"  

Change to:

"As usual, Elder So and So has me on the edge of my seat."
________

"I don't want another lecture from some horny old coot about masturbation and porn addiction."

Change to:

"Perhaps the Prophet was speaking as a man just then."
________

"Boyd K. Packer is a homophobic, misogynistic, anti-intellectual $%#-hole and certifiably insane."

Change to:

"Man, that Boyd K. Packer's a card. They oughta supply him with a laugh track."
________

"Does anyone still believe that bull-@#$% about the gold plates?"

Change to:

"I think I'll keep my thoughts to myself."

As you can see, brothers and sisters, I am more than willing to work with you, and expect you as a ward to extend me the same courtesy. Heaven forbid we have another Sunday like last February 7, when I walked in to find the chapel, as some of you might put it, "as empty as a Scottish pay toilet."

While there is no finer tribute to our Savior than LDS General Conference, don't forget to also mark the following date on your calendars:

Friday, April 2, 7:00 PM, Abbottsville Convention Center. Tri-stake Extravaganza: The Resurrection -- On Ice! Former Olympian and Abbottsville Second Ward member, Greg Cooper, will skate the role of Joseph Smith.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you a bill for General Conference.

It's Relief Society Book Club Time!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President
Subject: April Book Club Meeting

Dear Sisters,
Please choose from the following titles:

Go Sit in the Corner

for women

Latter-day Saint sisters can prepare for another interesting read this April with the choice of the following titles from Go Sit in the Corner for women.

The Questions You Should Have Asked

by

Elder M. Ross Andersen

Second Quorum of the Seventy

Sisters may increase their spirituality, hone their gospel acumen, and obtain further light and knowledge by letting Elder Andersen answer the questions they should have asked. -- As opposed to the questions they usually ask, that make no sense and only lead to trouble.

Just a Mother!

by 

Melinda Price Maxwell

Former cable news weather-girl, Melinda Price Maxwell, recalled the time she attended a stylish soiree on Manhattan's Upper East Side. The exclusive guest list included LDS celebrities, athletes, billionaires, Republican politicians, talk show hosts, Gladys Knight and the descendants of the first handcart company. Over dinner, Melinda asked the wife of an LDS billionaire, "What do you do?" "I'm just a mother," the woman replied. In that moment, Melinda's life changed. Follow the true life story of this amazing woman who traveled the globe, mixed with top journalists and A-list celebrities, flew into the eye of a hurricane, and almost had a date with Ben Affleck. Then cry when you read how she gave it all up to marry a humble returned missionary and settle down to be, Just a Mother!  
***Sisters who choose this title will receive a free ticket to Melinda's Just a Mother! Twenty State Speaking Tour, as well as a sample of her new Just a Mother! fragrance line.

Zion's Last Outpost

by

General William "The Wall" Smith, (Ret.)

Our saga begins in the Pre-Existence, where Hank and Sally meet at a ward Mix and Mingle, vow their eternal love, then promise to find each other on earth and build a global media empire that will spread Gospel truths. Fast forward to the last days, when evil liberal commentators have the entire country drinking their Kool Aid. Meanwhile the White House is in the hands of the descendant of some morally bankrupt intellectual free-thinkers from Kansas. And the Constitution hangs by a thread. Hank and Sally meet again, this time at a Washington D.C. ward Mix and Mingle. Sally is dropped off by limo. Hank arrives via helicopter. But their reunion is spoiled when Hank discovers that Heavenly Father sent Sally to earth in a body with chunky thighs and inconsequential breasts. Add to that, their former bishop in the Pre-Existence is now an alcoholic, down on his luck talk show host who has yet to find the truth. Will Hank overcome his fear of cellulite? Will Sally resort to silicon implants and liposuction? Will the talk show host throw off his sinful ways, accept the Gospel, and sign on with Hank and Sally's media empire? Will the White House again be "delightsome?" Will the Constitution ever be restitched? Check out this riveting page turner to find out.


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