Showing posts with label Mountain Meadows Massacre. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mountain Meadows Massacre. Show all posts

Monday, February 6, 2012

LDS Church Introduces New Line Of Educational Toys

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Joy Young, Ward Primary President
Subject: New toys for the Primary closet!

Recent studies have shown that adults are leaving the one and only true church because they come across petty negative facts about Mormon history on the Internet. Naturally, the Brethren are concerned about this phenomenon, and, open-minded free spirits that they are, have devised a brilliant solution. Full disclosure of LDS history, warts and all, for children!

How INSPIRED is that? I mean everyone knows that children are better learners than grown-ups, right? Or, as the LDS scholar, Terryl Givens put it,
"If you tell a 12-year-old child that Joseph Smith used a ‘peep stone’ in a hat to translate the Book of Mormon, he’ll think that’s cool or interesting. But when Latter-Day Saints find out about that on the Internet at age 50, they’ll ask, Why didn’t the church tell me?”
In that spirit, the LDS Church is in the process of developing a new line of educational toys. The following items are now available in the ward Primary closet.
_______________


Joseph's Kids Have Thirty Mommies
This beautifully illustrated picture book introduces the LDS preschooler to alternative lifestyles in order to prevent future prejudices, and celebrate the sanctity of "all kinds of marriages."

Joseph's Magic Peep Stone
Modeled after the popular Magic 8 Ball, this colorful iridescent orb transports early readers to the magical world of revelation.

Johnny: Will I get to have my own planet?
Magic Peep Stone: Signs point to yes!
**This toy is only available to boys

Who Wrote The Book of Mormon?
Introduce your child early to those pesky discrepancies about the origins of the Book of Mormon with this charming version of the popular board game, Clue.
The Suspects
Joseph Smith - Soloman Spaulding - Fanny Alger - Hugh Nibley - Matt Stone & Trey Parker 
The Tools
Peep Stone & Hat - Papyrus - Tapir - Urim & Thummum - Laptop
The Crime Scenes
Machu Picchu - The Hayloft - Broadway - The Dream Mine - Palmyra


Was it Solomon Spaulding with his laptop at Machu Picchu? Or was it Hugh Nibley with a tapir in the hayloft? The possibilities are endless. (Actually there are only 125.)


Mountain Meadows Paint Ball
Designed for the Ward Cultural Hall, this lively activity gives the preteen an opportunity to release his "inner savage" as well gain a life-long tolerance for LDS history. After all, it's hard for an Internet-surfing college student to feel squeamish over our bloody past, if, as a youth, he's spent his weekends whooping it up in war paint, terrorizing the girls, and shooting all the weaker boys in the backs of their skulls. 

_______________

Don't miss out on this unique opportunity to raise up a new generation of church historians. More products to come!

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we'll send over the Deacons' Paint Ball Militia. Also, you should read this companion post by Jennifer at The Cognitive Dissenter.


And don't forget to vote for your favorite Mormon-themed blogs in the Brodie Awards!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Happy Birthday Ward Gossip!

To: The wonderful people who follow my blog
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Ward Gossip is one year old today!

A year ago today, I began posting the e-mails I receive from the Abbottsville Fourth ward for you, my wonderful readers. In honor of this anniversary, and in a flagrant act of self-congratulations, I invite you to revisit the year in review:

We began in September when Bishop Paul Zimmerman made the following confession:
"My apologies to the young men in the ward who mistakenly received my employer's form 10-Q quarterly report last week. My intended message, "Hands Off: Tips on Avoiding Masturbation," was sent to the Securities and Exchange Commission."
In October, Brother H. LeVar Turley declared, Holy Fetch! These folks would make great Mormons:
President and Mrs. Carter
President and Mrs. Reagan
President and Mrs. H. W. Bush
President and Mrs. George W. Bush
President Bill Clinton
Chelsea Clinton
Socks and Buddy Clinton
Barack Obama's mother

In November Stake Single Adults Leaders, Ricky and Mindy Foote, decided to cancel the Swinging Seventies Party after the Stake Singles obtained a pair of Ricky's old Scooby-doo underpants and engaged in a bidding war over them on e-Bay. Also because nobody turned in their Official Worthiness Questionnaire.

Then December rolled around and the Abbottsville Fourth Ward Celebrated the Season, Mormon Style with a week-long party that included a visit to the Cultural Hall by "Joseph and his Elves," a priesthood-only viewing of The Passion of the Joseph (rated X for historical accuracy) and a stake sing-a-long of Handel's The Joseph.


January proved to be a full month.
First Former Stake President Taylor described his visit to Southern Utah and the site of the Mountain Meadows Massacre:
"I recalled the St. George I visited as a boy. A stark, dry planet hanging in the void. Even in the 1940's, the town was much like Brigham Young intended, a solitary outpost, accessible by a single road, shunned and left to itself, a deep compost of Mormon shame."
Then an old e-mail for former Bishop Loomis (whose shocking murder has yet to be solved) provided the blog with its most popular post, LDS Temple Garments: Wear Them Or Else. Thanks to a mass fascination with secret Mormon underwear, or underwear in general, this post gets at least 5 or 10 hits a day. So far my favorite search words are:

mum lets me borrow her panty girdle if I promise not to soil it

And the Young Women Were Keepin' Busy with a super special class schedule:
Beehives: "Avoid All Loud Laughter." Girls will practice quiet tittering.
Mia Maids: "Self-Reliance Part II." Learn how to turn your glue gun into a money-maker.
Laurels: "What I Really Want for Graduation." Breast implants or a car, which will take me where I need to go?

In February See Zion First! Mormon Travel and Tours unveiled some of its summer excursions, including a Book of Mormon tour that visits the Tree of Life, the Waters of Mormon, the Rameumpton, and 
"El Footsteps de Nephi Trading Post, where proprietor Manny "Moroni" Gonzales stocks a host of treasures, such as authentic pieces of Nephi's steel bow and chunks of Lehi's ship. (Cash only, all sales final, vendor is armed and does not have access to the safe.)"


Scroll down to March to read how the Three Nephites Shaped History. According to Ward Spiritual Giant, Sid Dooley, the Three Nephites,  
"might have been with Lincoln at Gettysburg, probably were with Kennedy during the Cuban missile crisis, and definitely were with George W. Bush during the Florida Recount."
In April the LDS Young Women Think PINK! when they are assigned to:
"List the divine qualities you were endowed with in the Pre-Existence, such as sweetness, subservience, thriftiness, buxomness, a flair for macrame, a profound lack of curiosity, etc. Pick your favorite divine quality and embroider it onto a PINK pillow case using PINK thread and surrounding it with pretty PINK flowers or sea horses."
Sister Millie Loomis took a See Zion First! tour of Paris in May, and came home to claim,
"Only the Church could send us on a trip like this."
Ex-Mormon spies TBM's at Giants game



In June the Mormons kept a low profile at the San Francisco Giants' Game.







July brought panic to the Abbottsville Stake Singles when President Knightly suspended the Single Adult program. That is, until the single sisters realize their divine roll in the church and the single brethren stop being menaces to society.


And thanks to the inspired "And I'm a Mormon" ad campaign, in August we met Brian, who proudly proclaimed:

I'm a billionaire, a philanthropist, a recycler, and a biker. I have a $75,000 watch, and a friend who might be gay. I'd love to buy your home for cheap. I am a husband, a father, and a masochist. My name is Brian Swensen, 

and I'm a Mormon.

Now here we are in September. One year and 56 posts later.

I must add that the really "funny -- interesting -- cool" writing is in the comment field. For example:
  In October, Sarah  said,
"Our stake presidency wasn't so great at filtering the music for our youth dances . . . they allowed "Brass Monkey" by the Beastie Boys and "I'll Make Love to You" by Boyz II Men for several months before getting a clue! Not to worry, we just sang "I'll make cookies with you" instead. Yes, for real!"
In November, Anonymous said,
"Mormons NEVER acknowledge art unless its created by a faithful member of their own tribe. I remember the so-called Rodin exhibit at BYU. "
In February, flattopSF asked,
"Can you forward (me) the address for that Abbottsville Leather, Latex and Fetish Factory? It may come in handy some day."
In April, My Temple Name is Deborah suggested,
"Mormons should hire you as a PR consultant and pay you the big bucks." 
In May, Insana D said,
"What the LDS love to proclaim, "The church is the same wherever you go" is a bit like a self condemnation. It's like saying, We are the McDonald's of Religions. McMormon nuggets, all lined up and pasty fatty white, deep fried, overcooked, pressed meat like and completely tasteless. MMMM, McMormons!" 
And Chino Blanco made my day when he told me,
"You've got all kinds of win going on here."
 In July, Donavan, the 4th Nephite said,
"Gay heaven looks very similar, except there are drag queens who LOOK like the above and MORE Calvin Klein or D&G (Dolce and Gabanna) underwear models running around. Nearly naked. And looking ever-fit and tan."
In August, Steve said,
"Judging by those garden gnomes, I think the rice krispy treats sold so well because they were laced with mushrooms. Yikes!"
This September, goodbye kitty asked,
"Donna, can i sit next to you in hell?"
Ahab said,
"Aye aye aye. BYU sounds "interesting", to say the least!"
Leah  said,
"I find it ironic that so many Mormons get upset when people say they're not Real Christians, and yet they feel entitled to define what is and isn't a Real Mormon. Or to define Real Marriage, for that matter."  






He's back by popular demand

Lisa said,








"thanks for the pic going with the "intimacy in marriage" class, mmm ;) "




And Carla said,
"What really, really makes me sick is when people blame violence on everything but the real cause: poverty."



That's only an abbreviated sampling of the great comments I've received, and I appreciate every one, almost as much as I enjoy reading your blogs.

 All in all, it's been a good year for me, the blog, and the Saints from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward.

Since it doesn't look like they will be taking me off their e-mail list any time soon, is there a particular ward member you would like to hear more from? Or a topic you might like to further explore? (I already know about the underwear.) While I don't pretend to have any clout (not having priesthood and all), I can at least send the bishop a cheerful suggestion now and then . . . anything to please you, my wonderful readers.











Wednesday, April 28, 2010

LDS Church Public Affairs Wants YOU!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Members needed for LDS Public Affairs

We Mormons have taken some hits lately. First the Romney presidential campaign drew a barrage of questions that stumped LDS leaders, embarrassed members, and rendered the former governor incapable of composing a straight answer. At the same time, we were persecuted by left-wing extremists who claimed that our inspired leaders in Utah had no business telling Californians whom they could marry. Then Hollywood produced a film that exposed the Mormons as the perpetrators of the Mountain Meadows Massacre. -- This after years of the Church successfully blaming the Indians. Add to that, HBO created the hit show, Big Love, based on the false premise that polygamy has been practiced in Utah, and that the Mormons have had something to do with it.

In the wake of this firestorm of negative and unfair press, the Brethren have humbly and prayerfully discussed how the LDS Church can improve its relations with the non-Mormon community, and soften its image to the public. Their solution? Pass the responsibility on to the members, of course. Hence the creation of the exciting new Church Public Affairs Committee. That's right, brothers and sisters, thanks to your inspired leaders, now every member is a publicist!

President Knightly and I are in the beginning stages of staffing our Stake Public Affairs Council. In the meantime, here are some things each and every one of you can do.

Start with your neighbors.
When you see your neighbor in his front yard, don't just ignore him as usual. Say "hi," make small talk, invite him to your house for a church approved, yet sophisticated beverage. (Fizzy water with a lime wedge is nice, as is an attractive service of herbal tea.) Then steer the conversation to church promoting topics, such as your monogamous marriage, or the King James Version of the Bible. Be aware that non-members make friends differently than members, that is, over a period of time, based on common interests, and with no hidden agenda. Quickly find out what he likes to do, learn to do whatever that is, and don't invite him out to church. (Yet.) Also, next time you borrow his power saw, return it.

Share your talents.
We all received gifts in the Pre-Existence, right? Now is the time to tell the world. Don't worry about developing a real talent. Fortunately today's market no longer requires that. Anything that will land you a spot on reality TV should do the trick, such as singing, dancing, an ability to eat things that turn people's stomachs, or a personality so shallow and vapid that others will find you amusing.

Prepare yourself for interviews with the press.
As we become more visible in society, there will be the inevitable inquiries from the media. In anticipation of this, the church has comprised a list of approved journalists who respect our beliefs, share our values, and are not obsessed with the facts. But even the most sympathetic interviewer may not be able to translate our jargon to a non-member audience. What means one thing to us, may mean an entirely different thing to the world. Memorize the following substitutions:
ward  --  local congregation
bishop  --  local ecclesiastical leader
elder  --  19 year old boy
the Lord's university  --  BYU
the Lord's senator  --  Orrin Hatch
the anti-Christ  --  Secretary Clinton
whiny, bitter ingrates -- former Mormons
truth  --  opinion
revelation  --  opinion
testimony  --  opinion
persecution  --  opinion
apologetics  --  lies
prophet, seer, and revelator  --  chief executive officer
church  --  corporation


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you need a translator.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Mountain Meadows Massacre Revisited

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Former Stake President Stan Taylor
Subject: Mountain Meadows

Last year my travels took me back to St. George, Utah, the home of my maternal grandparents. It was no longer the sleepy town I visited in my youth. A housing tract now sat on my grandparent's land, their ward meetinghouse was bygone as well, along with the old diner and the five and dime. Instead I browsed the Barnes and Noble at the mall, dined at Applebee's, watched a movie at the new multiplex, then found a comfortable bed at the Marriott. I might have been in any small city in America. That is, until the following morning when I asked the perky hotel clerk for directions.

"Certainly sir," she said, then pulled one of those local map give-aways from a slot above her desk, and slid it toward me.

"Which way do I go to pick up Highway 18?" I asked, unfolding my reading glasses.

Her eyes clouded, but her smile remained intact. She laid a protective hand across the map. "Where're you headed, sir?"

"The Mountain Meadows Monument."

She drew the map back and returned it to its slot. "The 18 is a few miles north of here," she replied, and wished me a good day.

I drove for twenty minutes before realizing I had been misled. Was it by accident, or by design? In any small city in America, I would assume by accident. But this was Southern Utah, and I knew its history. I headed back towards town, feeling like I had returned to the St. George I visited as a boy. A stark, dry planet hanging in the void. Even in the 1940's, the town was much like Brigham Young intended, a solitary outpost, accessible by a single road, shunned and left to itself, a deep compost of Mormon shame. It was a reminder of the blood bath on September 11, 1857, the day a group of Arkansas pioneers known as the Fancher party was murdered at Mountain Meadows. The Mountain Meadow Massacre, our first 9/11. An American tragedy that the LDS Church continues to cover up.

I imagined the brave historian, Juanita Brooks, the author who aroused my passion for Mormon history.

In 1918, Juanita, then a young school teacher, was approached by the elderly Nephi Johnson. "I want you to do some writing for me," he told her. "My eyes have witnessed things that my tongue has never uttered. I want them written down. And I want you to do the writing."

Juanita agreed and promised to visit him on his ranch. Weeks later, when she finally made the trip, he was deathly ill and delusional, crying out, "Blood Blood BLOOD!" at the ceiling. It was then that she learned that Brother Johnson was a participant in the Mountain Meadows Massacre. At the time, the LDS Church officially claimed the crime to be the responsibility of St.George Mormon Militia leader, John D. Lee, along with the local Paiute Indians. Brother Johnson never recovered to tell her of his experience. But Juanita left him determined to record an accurate account of the event.

Juanita was a practicing Mormon as well as a devotee to the facts. "I feel sure," she once said, "that nothing but the truth can be good enough for the church to which I belong." In that spirit, Juanita spent the next five decades unearthing the diaries and records of Utah's early settlers and piecing together the actual chain of events. Her pivotal historical work, The Mountain Meadows Massacre, published in 1950, revealed that the brutal slaughter of some 150 people was carried out mostly, if not entirely by Mormons, some of whom were disguised as Paiutes. Brooks also concluded that the attack was inspired by Brigham Young's firebrand rants against church "enemies," early Mormon temple rituals depicting blood atonement, and the mistaken notion that members of the Fancher party were involved in the murder of Parley P. Pratt, a Mormon missionary proselyting in Arkansas. (He was instead killed by the angry husband of a woman that Pratt had attempted to take on as a "spirit wife.") In short, it was an act of domestic terrorism by a group of religious zealots acting upon the teachings of their prophet, Brigham Young, and the extremist doctrine of the early LDS Church.

Mary Elizabeth Baker Terry, a five year old survivor of the attack recalled: "Now I could see that they weren't all Indians. Whites had painted themselves to resemble their savage companions. With bloodcurdling yells they leaped on the defenseless pioneers. I sought shelter under a wagon and peered out between the spokes. I saw my father fall to the ground. . . The sight of blood sent them into a fanatical frenzy. One huge white kept shouting ,"For Jehovah." The fiends slackened their butchering only when there were no more victims. Dripping paint and blood, they stood panting, searching for any signs of life among the hacked and clubbed bodies . . . Some of the disguised Mormons were washing their paint (off) at the spring."

The LDS Church has officially refused to admit any involvement in the massacre, and continues to blame the Paiutes and a few local Mormons whom they claim acted without church approval. During my years as the LDS Institute director at Grafton College, I was not allowed to use Juanita Brooks as a source when teaching about Mountain Meadows. Likewise for Will Bagley's excellent Blood of the Prophets: Brigham Young and the Massacre at Mountain Meadows. Towards the end of my employ, I was banned from discussing the massacre at all.

I followed the sage brush lined road to the monument. The parking lot was empty, the early Spring air was crisp, and wisps of snow lingered on the sepia tinted soil. The walkway that wound to the stone cairn was spotless, and the site impressive. It possessed that sort of Walt Disney ambiance that many LDS attractions bear. Sturdy handrails, nicely patterned stone and concrete, well-made signs providing bland explanations, and a squeaky clean bathroom. The perfect mix of sobriety and cheerfulness. The same could be said of the monument's dedication in 1999. Rather than speak from his heart, the Mormon prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley, spoke from a page prepared by his lawyers. "Nobody knows what happened here," he declared to a gathering that included the victims' families.

Up the hill I found a smaller monument bearing the names of the known victims, constructed by their people in Arkansas. I perused the names of the dead, said a prayer, then looked out at the quiet meadow. If only it could tell the story. But the silence was deafening.

History wasn't meant to be attractive and faith promoting. It was meant to recount the lives of flesh and blood humans, of their courage, cowardice, frailty and vision. But the LDS Church prefers the Disney version, their own Stepford history. Or, as my grandmother from St. George used to say, "Those clowns in Salt Lake want all of the credit and none of the blame."





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