Single Adult Summer Day Camp!

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults

From: Ricky and Mindy Foote, Stake Single Adults Leaders

Subject: It’s Day Camp time, boy and girls!

As always, Mindy and I are honored to serve a group that includes so many near and dear, such as my former seminary teacher, Mindy's old high school principal, Sister Post who helped me earn my Duty to Country badge, and, of course, Mom.

So clear the first week in June, you crazy kids, for the annual Single Adult Summer Day Camp!

Here are just some of the highlights!

Monday

Scavenger Hunt!

Dressed in our matching LDS SA Day Camp tee-shirts, we’ll divide into teams and search the Abbottsville Mall for:
an employment application

at least 50 cents found on the floor or in the center court fountain

a french fry (can’t buy it)

team photo with a red-head—extra points if his/her name is Kelly

group shot of everybody in one bathroom stall

and more!

Tuesday

Fun with Silly String, glitter, shaving cream and Magic Sand!

Wednesday

Slip-n-Slide!

Thursday

Picnic Day!

Dressed in our matching LDS SA Day Camp tee-shirts, we’ll head over to Abbottsville Park, grill hot dogs and s’mores and then divide into teams for:
potato sack races

leap frog

freeze tag

water balloon toss

toilet paper mummy contest

and more!

Friday

Disney Movie Camp!

featuring:
The Shaggy Dog

Son of Flubber

Superdad

The Little Mermaid—sing-along version

And more!

*Participation in all events is mandatory. **Attendees must either have a current a temple recommend or have completed the Official Worthiness Questionnaire.  

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, you might be required to build a blanket fort.

Single Adults Get Final Warning!

To: Abbottsville Stake Single Adults
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: MY FINAL WARNING!

Recently I suspended all Single Adults activities because of your gross mistreatment of  our esteemed Stake Single Adults leader, Ricky Foote. I met with each of you in extensive one on one interviews and listened to your concerns. I felt we had reached an understanding, that you were sufficiently humbled, and that I could finally reinstate our inspired Stake Single Adults program. Accordingly, I instructed Ricky to plan a fun New Year's Eve activity.


Then I was appalled to hear that after all of Ricky's labors, Sister Millie Loomis was the sole attendee at the Stake Single Adults' New Year's Eve Dance. Even her date failed to show up -- after she'd gone to the trouble to handcraft an invitation out of Sweet Tarts and deliver it via carrier pigeon.


But I was more disturbed when I heard that upon returning to the church parking lot, Ricky found the carrier pigeon locked inside of his car with the following note attached:

Sorry to POOP out on you, but we won't be DROPPING by the dance because we're tired of being treated like CR#P and think you're full of S%$T.* 

*edited for civility's sake. 

Clearly, I was wrong to assume you had learned your lesson.


As I said before, I know that Ricky is young enough to be your son, and that, in fact, one of you is his actual mother. But again I remind you that what Ricky lacks in age, he makes up for in inspired wisdom and priesthood authority. Moreover, he is devoted to all of you. He wants nothing more than to find a sweetheart for his old principal, an eternal companion for his former pediatrician, and for himself, a new step-dad. Again, I repeat:

None of you should consider yourselves on par with Ricky Foote. If you were, you would be married.

It's so tasty too!

As far as your treatment, you have gotten better than you deserve. According to my sources, instead of the wholesome LDS Single Adults' dance, you attended a New Year's Eve party thrown by the San Francisco Post-Mormons where you engaged in "lightmindedness, loud laughter, evil speaking of the Lord's anointed," and witnessed the public drunkenness of a certain disreputable female blogger.


After praying to our Heavenly Father, consulting with Ricky and your respective bishops, and evaluating your individual situations and standings in the community, I have made the following decision.

You're grounded.

From now until an undetermined time in the future, you will go nowhere but work, church, the temple, Costco, and the local FranklinCovey. Your goings and comings will be monitored by your home teachers, your visiting teachers, your quorum presidencies, your bishoprics, and, when necessary, the private security team, Big Beefy Tongans, Inc. 


During the period of your detention, I assign the following:

1. Complete the Official Worthiness Questionnaire.
2. Fast and pray.
3. Read Doctrine and Covenants 132 and Behind Every Good Man by John Bytheway.
4. Shampoo the interior of Ricky Foote's Hyundai.
5. Take turns feeding and caring for the pigeon. 
6. Staff the nursery at the upcoming Stake Valentines Day Dance.
7. Write a 500 word essay on what it means to be a "Menace to Society."
8. Make imaginative invitations asking that special someone to a future Single Adults' dance. Supplies can be found in your ward Primary closet.

Be aware that this is your FINAL WARNING! If any of you fail to obey all of the above commands, I will have no other choice than to report your misbehavior to your home teachers, your Relief Society presidency, your priesthood quorums, your bishopric, both Quorums of the Seventy, the Quorum of the Twelve, the First Presidency, the Deseret News, and your mothers.


After all, as your humble servant it is my job to look after your best interests.


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, don't be surprised if you receive a visit from Big Beefy Tongans, Inc.

   

Happy Birthday Ward Gossip!

To: The wonderful people who follow my blog
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Ward Gossip is one year old today!

A year ago today, I began posting the e-mails I receive from the Abbottsville Fourth ward for you, my wonderful readers. In honor of this anniversary, and in a flagrant act of self-congratulations, I invite you to revisit the year in review:

We began in September when Bishop Paul Zimmerman made the following confession:

"My apologies to the young men in the ward who mistakenly received my employer's form 10-Q quarterly report last week. My intended message, "Hands Off: Tips on Avoiding Masturbation," was sent to the Securities and Exchange Commission."

In October, Brother H. LeVar Turley declared, Holy Fetch! These folks would make great Mormons:

President and Mrs. Carter

President and Mrs. Reagan

President and Mrs. H. W. Bush

President and Mrs. George W. Bush

President Bill Clinton

Chelsea Clinton

Socks and Buddy Clinton

Barack Obama's mother

In November Stake Single Adults Leaders, Ricky and Mindy Foote, decided to cancel the Swinging Seventies Party after the Stake Singles obtained a pair of Ricky's old Scooby-doo underpants and engaged in a bidding war over them on e-Bay. Also because nobody turned in their Official Worthiness Questionnaire.

Then December rolled around and the Abbottsville Fourth Ward Celebrated the Season, Mormon Style with a week-long party that included a visit to the Cultural Hall by "Joseph and his Elves," a priesthood-only viewing of The Passion of the Joseph (rated X for historical accuracy) and a stake sing-a-long of Handel's The Joseph.

January proved to be a full month.

First Former Stake President Taylor described his visit to Southern Utah and the site of the Mountain Meadows Massacre:

"I recalled the St. George I visited as a boy. A stark, dry planet hanging in the void. Even in the 1940's, the town was much like Brigham Young intended, a solitary outpost, accessible by a single road, shunned and left to itself, a deep compost of Mormon shame."

Then an old e-mail for former Bishop Loomis (whose shocking murder has yet to be solved) provided the blog with its most popular post, LDS Temple Garments: Wear Them Or Else. Thanks to a mass fascination with secret Mormon underwear, or underwear in general, this post gets at least 5 or 10 hits a day. So far my favorite search words are:

mum lets me borrow her panty girdle if I promise not to soil it

And the Young Women Were Keepin' Busy with a super special class schedule:

Beehives: "Avoid All Loud Laughter." Girls will practice quiet tittering.
Mia Maids: "Self-Reliance Part II." Learn how to turn your glue gun into a money-maker.
Laurels: "What I Really Want for Graduation." Breast implants or a car, which will take me where I need to go?

In February See Zion First! Mormon Travel and Tours unveiled some of its summer excursions, including a Book of Mormon tour that visits the Tree of Life, the Waters of Mormon, the Rameumpton, and 

"El Footsteps de Nephi Trading Post, where proprietor Manny "Moroni" Gonzales stocks a host of treasures, such as authentic pieces of Nephi's steel bow and chunks of Lehi's ship. (Cash only, all sales final, vendor is armed and does not have access to the safe.)"

Scroll down to March to read how the Three Nephites Shaped History. According to Ward Spiritual Giant, Sid Dooley, the Three Nephites,  

"might have been with Lincoln at Gettysburg, probably were with Kennedy during the Cuban missile crisis, and definitely were with George W. Bush during the Florida Recount."

In April the LDS Young Women Think PINK! when they are assigned to:

"List the divine qualities you were endowed with in the Pre-Existence, such as sweetness, subservience, thriftiness, buxomness, a flair for macrame, a profound lack of curiosity, etc. Pick your favorite divine quality and embroider it onto a PINK pillow case using PINK thread and surrounding it with pretty PINK flowers or sea horses."

Sister Millie Loomis took a See Zion First! tour of Paris in May, and came home to claim,

"Only the Church could send us on a trip like this."

Ex-Mormon spies TBM's at Giants game

In June the Mormons kept a low profile at the San Francisco Giants' Game.







July brought panic to the Abbottsville Stake Singles when President Knightly suspended the Single Adult program. That is, until the single sisters realize their divine roll in the church and the single brethren stop being menaces to society.


And thanks to the inspired "And I'm a Mormon" ad campaign, in August we met Brian, who proudly proclaimed:

I'm a billionaire, a philanthropist, a recycler, and a biker. I have a $75,000 watch, and a friend who might be gay. I'd love to buy your home for cheap. I am a husband, a father, and a masochist. My name is Brian Swensen, 

and I'm a Mormon.

Now here we are in September. One year and 56 posts later.

I must add that the really "funny -- interesting -- cool" writing is in the comment field. For example:

  In October, Sarah  said,

"Our stake presidency wasn't so great at filtering the music for our youth dances . . . they allowed "Brass Monkey" by the Beastie Boys and "I'll Make Love to You" by Boyz II Men for several months before getting a clue! Not to worry, we just sang "I'll make cookies with you" instead. Yes, for real!"

In November, Anonymous said,

"Mormons NEVER acknowledge art unless its created by a faithful member of their own tribe. I remember the so-called Rodin exhibit at BYU. "

In February, flattopSF asked,

"Can you forward (me) the address for that Abbottsville Leather, Latex and Fetish Factory? It may come in handy some day."

In April, My Temple Name is Deborah suggested,

"Mormons should hire you as a PR consultant and pay you the big bucks." 

In May, Insana D said,

"What the LDS love to proclaim, "The church is the same wherever you go" is a bit like a self condemnation. It's like saying, We are the McDonald's of Religions. McMormon nuggets, all lined up and pasty fatty white, deep fried, overcooked, pressed meat like and completely tasteless. MMMM, McMormons!" 

And Chino Blanco made my day when he told me,

"You've got all kinds of win going on here."

 In July, Donavan, the 4th Nephite said,

"Gay heaven looks very similar, except there are drag queens who LOOK like the above and MORE Calvin Klein or D&G (Dolce and Gabanna) underwear models running around. Nearly naked. And looking ever-fit and tan."

In August, Steve said,

"Judging by those garden gnomes, I think the rice krispy treats sold so well because they were laced with mushrooms. Yikes!"

This September, goodbye kitty asked,

"Donna, can i sit next to you in hell?"

Ahab said,

"Aye aye aye. BYU sounds "interesting", to say the least!"

Leah  said,

"I find it ironic that so many Mormons get upset when people say they're not Real Christians, and yet they feel entitled to define what is and isn't a Real Mormon. Or to define Real Marriage, for that matter."  

He's back by popular demand

Lisa said,

"thanks for the pic going with the "intimacy in marriage" class, mmm ;) "

And Carla said,

"What really, really makes me sick is when people blame violence on everything but the real cause: poverty."

That's only an abbreviated sampling of the great comments I've received, and I appreciate every one, almost as much as I enjoy reading your blogs.

 All in all, it's been a good year for me, the blog, and the Saints from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward.

Since it doesn't look like they will be taking me off their e-mail list any time soon, is there a particular ward member you would like to hear more from? Or a topic you might like to further explore? (I already know about the underwear.) While I don't pretend to have any clout (not having priesthood and all), I can at least send the bishop a cheerful suggestion now and then . . . anything to please you, my wonderful readers.