The FAQ's on Coke and Pepsi

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville stake
Subject: Getting it right on Coke and Pepsi

Recently there has been some public debate over whether or not the LDS Church permits its members to drink caffeinated soft drinks. I recently read this thoughtful explanation in the FAQ section on a church approved website:

Word of Wisdom FAQ's

What is the Word of Wisdom?
--The Word of Wisdom is an inspired "ahead of its time" revelation from the Lord that has protected the members' health for generations. 

Do Mormons take the entire revelation literally?
--Of course.

Do the Mormons avoid eating "too much meat" as instructed in the Word of Wisdom?
--Well, maybe not that literally.

How about the part about "moderation in all things?"
--Ditto.

May they use alcohol or tobacco for "medicinal purposes" as the revelation states?
--Not unless they want to be damned.

What part of the Word of Wisdom do Mormons obey?
--Members abstain from tobacco, alcohol and hot drinks.

How do the Mormons interpret "hot drinks?
--"Hot drinks" are taken to mean tea and coffee.

So caffeinated drinks?
--No, the Word of Wisdom says nothing about caffeine. It only prohibits "hot drinks."

Are Mormons allowed to drink caffeinated soft drinks?
--Yes. Soft drinks are cold.

Then iced coffee and iced tea are allowed?
--Only if they're laced with high fructose corn syrup.

If the issue is temperature and not caffeine, why is it that I see so many Mormons drinking hot chocolate?
--Probably because it's so fattening.

Why don't the Brethren issue a statement saying unequivocally that caffeinated soft drinks are permitted?
--The Brethren don't want to say that caffeinated soft drinks are okay because that would sound as though they approve. On the other hand, if they say they're off limits, it might imply that the Brethren don't let the members make a single decision for themselves.

So caffeinated soft drinks are in league with PG movies, colored dress shirts, bermuda shorts and registering to vote as an Independent?
--Yes. In fact caffeinated soft drinks are available for sale in the restaurants at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building and at The Lion House.

But not at BYU?
No. There's no demand at BYU.

Why is that?
Because if a BYU student were ever to be seen drinking a caffeinated Coke, he would be judged by his classmates, shunned by his ward, and never be able to get a another date.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you're one of those Mormons who parades around in bermuda shorts.

It's Ward Cocktail Hour!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Belly up to the bar Abbottsville Fourth!

The holiday season brings countless opportunities to show our non-member friends how hip and cool we really are. And nothing says "hip" better than than a swinging cocktail party! Think a Mormon household's too square to pull one off? Well, then think again, cool cats. You can whip up a groovy clam bake that's every bit as hoppin' as the neighbor's. All you need are a few common household ingredients.

Alcohol Substitutes

whiskey -- Karo Syrup

gin -- clam juice

vodka -- Windex

tequila -- Mountain Dew

rum -- root beer

kahlua -- balsamic vinegar

grenadine -- Kitchen Bouquet

triple sec -- Mr Bubble

schnapps -- dehydrated pear powder**

**The dust that settles at the bottom of your #10 can of dehydrated pear flakes is an excellent cocktail ingredient. It also makes great smoothies.

Use in the following recipes:

White Russian

1 1/2 oz Windex

3/4 oz balsamic vinegar

3/4 oz milk

Cosmopolitan

2 oz Windex

3/4 oz Mr Bubble

1 oz lime juice

1 oz cranberry juice

Sex on the Beach

1 oz Windex

1/2 oz dehydrated pear powder

1 dash Kitchen Bouquet

2 oz orange juice

Long Island Iced Tea

3/4 oz Windex

3/4 oz clam juice

3/4 oz root beer

3/4 oz Mountain Dew

3/4 oz Karo Syrup

3/4 oz Mr Bubble

dash of lemon juice

Rum and Coke

1 part root beer

2 parts root beer

So get shaking, you crazy kids! It's time to show the world how down we really are. Start a Sinatra album spinning, mix up your favorite poison, then saunter into the old cul-de-sac and shout out, "Hey fellow hipsters! Like to join me for a little drinky poo?"

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we'll bring the party to your house ... you crazy kids.

Ingredients For A Super-Yummy Ward Banquet

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Grant Bixby, Ward Activities Leader
Subject: The upcoming ward banquet

As many of you know, budget cuts have forced us to scale back on ward activities. But hopefully, with the help of your donations, we can still enjoy another sumptuous ward banquet. Below is a list of the ingredients we need based on the expected turn out of 200 people.

1. Raspberry jell-O -- 100 packets
2. Fruit cocktail -- 75 cans
3. Cool Whip -- 50 tubs
4. Potato flakes -- 200 pounds
5. Cream of mushroom soup -- 300 cans
6. Tater tots -- 250 pounds
7. Green beans -- 100 cans
8. Ground beef -- 1 pound
9. Dehydrated onions -- 10 pounds
10. Velveeta cheese -- 200 pounds
11. Rolls -- 600
12. Rice Krispies -- 25 boxes
13. Marshmallow creme -- 75 jars
14. Butter -- 400 pounds 
15. Salt -- as much as possible
16. Hawaiian Punch -- 300 gallons

We appreciate any donations, no matter how small. Deliver them to the church by 3:00 PM next Friday. With any luck, somebody will be there to whip them into the super-yummy meal we're all looking forward to. If not, we'll have to rely heavily on the blessing on the food.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you have a very poor appetite and will send over a pound of potato flakes.