Cheers to the Badly Behaved Mormon Women

Despite the  growing surge of members who are abandoning the faith,  the LDS Church continues to pour millions into advertising to impress nonmembers, while, at the same time, it ignores, insults or marginalizes some of its own. The most recent example came last week when, after ignoring 5 formal meeting requests from the Mormon feminist group Ordain Women, the LDS Church granted a 90 minute audience to the newly formed, obedience-oriented Mormon Women Stand.

As many of my gentle readers no doubt already know, Mormon Women Stand is the brainchild of Kathryn Skaggs, author of the blog, A Well-Behaved Mormon Woman. Her blog title, I assume, condescendingly refers to the Mormon feminist, Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, who famously said, "Well-behaved women seldom make history." Whether the reference was intentional or not, Skaggs' blog posts have thus far been forgettable. For example, her recent argument that the film, Frozen, is part of "the gay agenda." (Spoofed here on Ward Gossip.)

I've been a little hard on the Mormon feminists over the years. Too hard probably. But perhaps that's because I used to be one. I remember the indignities--the premature releasings from callings, the warnings to my husband to get me in line, and, of course, the painfully patronizing explanations. But, Sister Banta, you get to have babies. -- Sister Banta, if you had the priesthood, which calling would you want? The mere mention of these memories has me covering my ears and screaming, "Make it STOP!"

In my mind, the most obvious solution was to leave the LDS Church. But then I'm no longer a believer, and the church members who support Ordain Women clearly are. Otherwise, the group would never have issued a public "thank you" today to LDS Public Affairs director, Michael Otterson, for suggesting their organization was "divisive and suggestive of apostasy."

One of the more comic aspects of this drama has been the assumption by the "well-behaved" sisters that those in the Ordain Women crowd are not really believers--for example, the reactions to Joanna Brooks' recent post on Feminist Mormon Housewives. Oh, they're believers all right. Nothing but the deepest belief could motivate an LDS woman to stand up to her priesthood leaders, and then stick around church to suffer the consequences.

In that spirit, tonight I raise my Friday night cocktail and say, "Cheers to the badly behaved Mormon women."

I hope that they will make history. I also hope that as they go forward, some will realize that there are many paths to spiritual fulfillment, even outside of Mormonism.

Because, in the near future, I doubt that the General Authorities will be entertaining any requests from Mormon feminists--unless they want to star in an "And I'm a Mormon" ad.

The Big Fat Gay Mormon Wedding

Yesterday after the Supreme Court announced its landmark decisions on DOMA and Prop 8, LDS Church spokesman, Michael Otterson issued an official statement that again demonstrated the church's disregard for its own history as well as its penchant for the usual self-righteousness:

"Regardless of the court decision, the Church remains irrevocably committed to strengthening traditional marriage between a man and a woman, which for thousands of years has proven to be the best environment for nurturing children. Notably, the court decision does not change the definition of marriage in nearly three-fourths of the states."

Then this morning, in an article that argued that the Mormon Church has had a change of heart over the issue of gay marriage, the San Francisco Chronicle quoted openly gay local LDS Church "leader," Mitch Mayne:

"It's safe to say that the Mormon Church won't be involved (in legislation against gay marriage) as far as in any public policy way."

The article also stated that Mayne would be marching in Sunday's Pride Parade with fellow LDS supporters behind a banner reading "Mormons for Marriage Equality."

For the record, contrary to the SF Chron's description, Mitch Mayne is not an LDS Church leader. He's an (I'm assuming ward) executive secretary, meaning he's the guy who takes care of the local bishop--makes his phone calls, keeps his calendar, fetches his Postum, etc. That's pretty much Otterson's job too, only he reports to the prophet.

Which man truly speaks for the LDS Church? Well, Mayne, of course. The fact that he even exists is proof of that. Since when can an openly gay Mormon priesthood holder skip Sacrament Meeting to march in a Pride Parade, talk to the press about his opposition to official church policy, and still remain a member in good standing? Since the LDS leaders started scrambling around to save their image, that's when.

Ten years ago there was some discussion in the LDS community about making a Mormon version of the hit movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It was an interesting idea that never took off because the Mormons simply do not have enough confidence as a culture to laugh at their foibles--or to even admit they have any foibles. Despite what they say about feminists, gays, and intellectuals, what the LDS leaders fear most is being proven wrong.

So, as Elder Price sang in The Book of Mormon, what does the future hold? In the wake of the court's decision, the church seems on the brink of yet another policy shift. Since generally only Mormons listen to official church statements, it was appropriate that Otterson defended the current LDS position on gay marriage--if only for the sake of the 25,000 church members in California whom the GA's pressured into dedicating their time, talent, and $20,000,000 worth of their resources to the passage of Prop 8.

Now, if things go as they have in the past, the next step will be a new official policy that church leaders will market as their long-standing opinion. On the surface it seems like an easy fix. After all, the Mormon definition of "traditional marriage" has, shall we say, evolved over the years . . .

Only in a church that emphasizes rigid gender rolls, the notion of gay marriage could create some sticky situations. For example, in a dual priesthood household, who gets to wear the pants? What about a lesbian couple--are they doomed to exist without the priesthood in their home? The LDS Church was founded by a guy intent on screwing as many women as possible and that legacy has flourished to this day--so I don't see priesthood for women in the cards . . .



But I know 2 things the future will hold: I'm going to have plenty of great material for my blog and, even better, some fabulous weddings--big, fat, gay, and otherwise--to celebrate.

--Thanks to my good friend Insana Dee who shared this video with me.

LDS Church Pans The Book Of Mormon

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Church Headquarters requested I forward the following:

Statement From An Official Spokesperson of

THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS

Reviews of "The Book of Mormon" musical have been all over the entertainment media in the past few weeks. According to the reviews, the play sketches the journey of two Mormon missionaries from their sheltered life in Salt Lake City to Uganda, where their training and experience proves wholly inadequate to the realities of a continent plagued by poverty, hunger, AIDS, genital mutilation and other horrors.

A few misguided members of THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS who have seen the musical and blogged about it seem to have gone out of their way to be good sports, to show they can take it, and to not appear thin skinned, defensive, self important, or mean spirited. Some even claim to have enjoyed the show. That's their choice. To each his own. There's always room for different perspectives, even those of warped, immoral, cowardly hypocrites who have too much time on their hands, but still call themselves members of THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS.

As for me, I'm not buying what I'm reading in the reviews. Specifically, I'm not willing to spend $200 for a ticket to be sold the idea that THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS moves along oblivious to real-world problems, encased in a dense, self-righteous, uninformed fog.

Somewhere I read that the show's creators spent seven years writing and producing "The Book of Mormon" musical. As I reflected on all that time spent on such a shallow and unimpressive pursuit, I also wondered what was really going on with the THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS in Africa during those same seven years.

So I checked.

• The sister missionaries have helped to eliminate poverty by teaching thousands of African women to tie quilts and sew denim jumpers.
• The elders have combated hunger by introducing millions of Africans to the amazing shelf life of Jell-O.
• Then, of course, there is the tragedy of AIDS. A couple of weeks ago I sat next to a guy at my ward potluck who went to Africa in 1984 and saw a bunch of people with AIDS and described it as "horrific." The guy, a Mormon, knows all about AIDS, and that it is "horrific."
• I couldn't find anything on the genital mutilation and other horrors.

Meanwhile, what of those thousands of remarkable Mormon missionaries who opted to serve while their selfish peers were finishing their educations, having too much fun, and writing hit musicals? Last week I spoke with BYU sophomore Carl Madsen, who recently returned from the Uganda Kampala Mission.

"I have African flags all over my dorm room," said Madsen. "And I get super-excited now when I go to the zoo."

Intent on spreading the truth about THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS, the talented young Madsen has composed an opera based on his experience in Africa.

"The musical score is way complex," he explained. "But the libido is really uplifting, and the chorus line of singing giraffes are a total show stopper."

The production is set to premiere next month in the de Jong Concert Hall.

Frankly, I am surprised that so many critics claim to have liked the "Book of Mormon" musical. I hated it -- and I haven't even seen it!

Fortunately there are a few sane voices who panned the show: The Wall Street Journal, a Jewish guy named Levi, and a certain prominent New Yorker:

"I always said the worst musical was 'Frankenstein -- It's Alive! It's Alive!!!' Guess what? 'Frankenstein' goes to second place. 'The Book of Mormon' is the worst musical ever. In the history of  Broadway, 'The Book of Mormon' is number one." 

As a humble member of THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS I urge my fellow church members to ignore our persecutors, take solace in the words of the precious few who know of our good works, and by all means do not go see the "Book of Mormon" musical.

"I am the un-ordained Mormon prophet!" 

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you're one of those thin-skinned, defensive, self-important, mean spirited members who's always choosing to be offended.