Cheers to the Badly Behaved Mormon Women

Despite the  growing surge of members who are abandoning the faith,  the LDS Church continues to pour millions into advertising to impress nonmembers, while, at the same time, it ignores, insults or marginalizes some of its own. The most recent example came last week when, after ignoring 5 formal meeting requests from the Mormon feminist group Ordain Women, the LDS Church granted a 90 minute audience to the newly formed, obedience-oriented Mormon Women Stand.

As many of my gentle readers no doubt already know, Mormon Women Stand is the brainchild of Kathryn Skaggs, author of the blog, A Well-Behaved Mormon Woman. Her blog title, I assume, condescendingly refers to the Mormon feminist, Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, who famously said, "Well-behaved women seldom make history." Whether the reference was intentional or not, Skaggs' blog posts have thus far been forgettable. For example, her recent argument that the film, Frozen, is part of "the gay agenda." (Spoofed here on Ward Gossip.)

I've been a little hard on the Mormon feminists over the years. Too hard probably. But perhaps that's because I used to be one. I remember the indignities--the premature releasings from callings, the warnings to my husband to get me in line, and, of course, the painfully patronizing explanations. But, Sister Banta, you get to have babies. -- Sister Banta, if you had the priesthood, which calling would you want? The mere mention of these memories has me covering my ears and screaming, "Make it STOP!"

In my mind, the most obvious solution was to leave the LDS Church. But then I'm no longer a believer, and the church members who support Ordain Women clearly are. Otherwise, the group would never have issued a public "thank you" today to LDS Public Affairs director, Michael Otterson, for suggesting their organization was "divisive and suggestive of apostasy."

One of the more comic aspects of this drama has been the assumption by the "well-behaved" sisters that those in the Ordain Women crowd are not really believers--for example, the reactions to Joanna Brooks' recent post on Feminist Mormon Housewives. Oh, they're believers all right. Nothing but the deepest belief could motivate an LDS woman to stand up to her priesthood leaders, and then stick around church to suffer the consequences.

In that spirit, tonight I raise my Friday night cocktail and say, "Cheers to the badly behaved Mormon women."

I hope that they will make history. I also hope that as they go forward, some will realize that there are many paths to spiritual fulfillment, even outside of Mormonism.

Because, in the near future, I doubt that the General Authorities will be entertaining any requests from Mormon feminists--unless they want to star in an "And I'm a Mormon" ad.

Sister's First General Conference Prayer Leaked!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Susan Renfro, Relief Society President
Subject: Official transcript of sister's conference prayer

Hours ago, the Church Correlation Committee released an official transcript of the prayer that "Mormon feminist," Barbie Wooley, will be delivering in this weekend's General Conference. Read below and be inspired:

Our dear, kind Heavenly Father, 

My fellow sisters and I are so grateful to be Thy beloved spirit daughters. We thank Thee for giving our lives meaning, purpose, and direction. 

We pray, dear Heavenly Father, that with Thy divine guidance, we may continue to find nobility in motherhood, joy in womanhood, and delight in our divine destiny.

  

We also ask, dear Heavenly Father, that Thou will help us, your beloved daughters, to be ever-mindful that we are each entitled to a satisfying and fulfilling experience in any church position. So long as the priesthood is always on top.

--Amen

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you don't understand what your assigned position is.

"Mormon Feminist" To Be First Woman To Offer A Prayer In General Conference

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Relief Society
From: Margaret Spencer, Visiting Teacher and ward token feminist
Subject: We've come a long way ladies!

Dear Sisters,

I've just learned that the first woman to offer a prayer in General Conference will be none other than the pioneering champion of gender equality, Sister Barbie Wooley!

For those of you who don't know her, Barbie began her career as a "Mormon feminist"at BYU in the late 1970's when she was called before University Standards for wearing a pro-ERA button to her child development class. She was also cited for other high profile protests, such as wearing non-feminine-cut jeans in her dorm laundry room, refusing to make a Holly Hobbie jumper at a stake Homemaking activity, and turning down a marriage proposal from a returned missionary.

In 1981, Barbie finally tied the knot with her fellow student, Wayne Midgely. However, their brief union ended abruptly when Wayne discovered that Barbie intended to stay in school, finish her education, and get a job.

After the divorce, Wayne quickly found love with a career homemaker and settled down to raise 7 children. The couple are now featured in ads for a popular product that prevents erectile dysfunction.

Meanwhile, Barbie threw all of her energy into climbing the career ladder, a tireless and ruthless trek that led to her landing the position of Lead Kindergarten Teacher at Timpview Elementary School.

Throughout her demanding and high-powered career, Barbie continued her activism, and was a thorn in the side of several ward bishops. She was expelled from the church on three different occasions. First, for raising her hand too often in Gospel Doctrine class; a second time for prefacing her Sacrament Meeting remarks with, "In my opinion . . ."; and finally for showing up for Relief Society with a run in her pantyhose.

The pantyhose incident led Barbie to question her faith.

Confused and offended, she quit coming to church. Not much is known about this dark period in Barbie's history because she disappeared into the secretive and cult-like non-Mormon community. But we can only conclude that she went the sinful way of most apostates--wallowing in sexual promiscuity, forever lost in a drunken stupor, and hopelessly addicted to porn. Evidence of this can be found via snippets gathered from her students. For example, 5-year-old Ricky Smith remarked, "When Miss Wooley reached up high to get the paste, I could see a tan on her tummy."

Eventually, the trauma of having too much unstructured time on her hands caught up with Barbie, and she suffered a complete mental breakdown. Happily she's been released from the hospital, has returned to full church activity, and has just been granted permission to use forks. And just in time to be the first woman to offer a prayer in General Conference!**

As of today, it is uncertain whether Barbie will still be confined to her straightjacket during the General Conference. However, her spokesperson has confirmed that Barbie will be sporting a brand new pair of pantyhose.

Sisters, don't forget to watch this historic event.

**Sister Wooley's prayer has been composed by the Church Correlation Committee, approved by the Brethren, and will be broadcast via time-lapsed audio.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we may have to come and collect your forks.