Stay At Home, Sisters

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: Priesthood Meeting Protest

It's come to our attention that some members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward intend to travel to Salt Lake City to attend an upcoming protest. Before packing your bags, please read the following missive from Church Public Affairs to the event organizers.

Dear Sisters,

The Brethren have held some wonderful conversations over recent years relative to women in the Church and the invaluable contributions we make. The recent changes you have seen, like lowering the missionary age for sisters and encouraging them to dress attractively, serve as examples and were facilitated by the efforts of many extraordinarily fine looking LDS women around the world. 

After aggressively surveying their wives, daughters and secretaries, the Brethren have concluded that women in the Church, by a very large majority, do not share your advocacy for priesthood ordination for women and consider that position to be extremely unladylike. Declaring such an objective to be non-negotiable, as you have done, actually detracts from the helpful discussions that the Brethren have held as they seek to dictate the thoughts, concerns, and hopes of women inside and outside of the Church. 

The priesthood session of General Conference is designed to strengthen men and boys as they receive specific instructions about their stewardship over women; therefore we are unable to fulfill your request for tickets. You are certainly welcome to view the live broadcast of the priesthood session on lds.org, the Mormon Channel or BYUtv, at home where you belong--and dressed in any appropriately modest clothing. Even pants.

Your organization has again publicized its intention to demonstrate on Temple Square during the April 5 priesthood session. Activist events like this detract from the sacred environment of Temple Square and the spirit of harmonious patriarchy sought at General Conference. Please reconsider.

If you feel you must come and demonstrate we ask that you do so in the free speech zone we've set up a short twelve blocks away from Temple Square, conveniently located near the Harmons Neighborhood Grocery where many of you choose to shop. (See attached map.)

Kindest regards,

Kimberly Baker
Wife of an official church spokesman

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we ask that you make your request in the aforementioned free speech zone. (See attached map.)

Also check out another great review for The Girls from Fourth Ward, this time from talented blogger, Jono! Read it here!

What One Mormon Had To Go Through For A Sandwich

Some years ago my husband, Mark, corresponded with a believing Mormon who posed the familiar question:

"If the Church is 'false' then why are there so many anti-Mormon groups out there aimed at helping people recover from it?"

His premise being: the mere fact that people who escape Mormonism are so damaged that they need years to recover PROVES that the LDS Church is true. -- After all, people who leave "false" churches aren't nearly as screwed up as we are, right?

Then there's that other familiar refrain:

"They can leave the Church, but they can't leave the Church alone."

Translation: ExMormons who criticize, poke fun at, or even question the LDS Church are crazy, bitter, obsessed borderline psychotics who need years to recover.

Which also proves the Church is true?

I confess I do not possess enough spiritual intelligence to decipher Mormon logic. However, in my travels around Outerblogness this week I ran across a painful missive over on ExMormon Reddit that answers the more relevant question:

How much damage can a Mormon sustain before he becomes an ExMormon?

How much? Consider this confession from a self-described "pathetic little man." Gripped by hunger halfway through sacrament meeting, this young father schemed to sneak out of church to the local Carl's Jr. After some subterfuge and one foiled attempt, he finally got his break halfway through the final hour of church. The following is an excerpt:

I break my personal record in how quickly I get my son secured in his car seat and in a matter of seconds, we're off! Approximately 1.5 miles to Carls Jr. I make it there in about two minutes. Pull in to the drive thru and see four cars ahead of me. " Why aren't these people in church?!" The clock is ticking. The driver of the car in front of me has apparently never ordered food from a drive thru before and/or speaks no English. There is much gesticulating at the menu/speaker thingy. Tick, tick, tick. Finally, it's my turn "Western Bacon cheeseburger please, just the sandwich, and that will be all." I sound panicked. 8 minutes until church ends. I get to the window and pay in cash so there's no evidence of a Sunday transaction on our account.

I eat while driving, cramming the sandwich into my mouth and swallowing without chewing. I stop at a gas station, throw away the bag, the wrapper, and the receipt. Brush crumbs off the seat, check my shirt and tie for BBQ sauce. After all of the evidence is disposed of I get back in the car and shove two sticks of Big Red into my mouth to cover the smell of delicious CJ all beef patties, American cheese, and onion rings. I look at the clock. 2 minutes remaining. I'm on the move again. Rolling through stop signs, weaving through traffic. . . . 

I am a grown man in my 30's. I have a job, and pay taxes. I have responsibilities and people rely on me. But when I want to buy a sandwich on a Sunday I have to treat it like I'm disposing of a body. I am a pathetic little man.

Read his entire account here.

Upon reading this, I had several strong and immediate reactions.

First, that this was so over the top that even I couldn't satirize it. I mean, you can't make shit like this up.

Second, I was aghast over the risk this poor schmuck took. He was breaking the rules in an organization that encourages men to report their roommate's masturbating lest they be "left behind on the battlefield." It's entirely possible that, thanks to the stunt this guy pulled, the church will be ordering the installment of tiny cameras and GPS tracking chips on all children under 18 months of age.

Finally, I had the horrifying realization that I know this guy, that I used to be this guy. So I know that a guy like this won't escape the Church until something so outrageous happens that if he doesn't bail he will go completely bonkers. And this sandwich incident isn't it. Probably not even close.

Which leads me to conclude that, based on experience, my own recovery is miles away and I will probably be writing this blog for some time to come.

Looks Like It's All Up To The Primary Now...

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Marla Sweet, Ward Primary President
Subject: Lucy Finds a Way

I urge everyone in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward to read the following article from The Friend--and then pass it on to the children of inactive members.

Lucy Finds a Way

By Stacy Coffee
(Based on a TRUE story)

Going to church by herself wasn't easy, but Lucy knew it was the only way she could escape her evil, sick, iniquitous hell hole.


Lucy sat up in bed and turned on the light. "It's Sunday, time for church!" she sang.

Her sister pulled the covers over her head. "Lucy, turn off the light. You know we don't go to church anymore."

Lucy could hear her parents in the kitchen. But she knew they weren't getting ready for church. Rather, they were involved in a much darker pursuit. Lucy put on her dress and hurried out of the room, leaving the door open and the light on.

Lucy could remember when her parents used to take her family to church, but that hadn't happened in a while. Since then Lucy had noticed that her once happy and righteous household had devolved into an evil, sick, iniquitous hell hole.

Her mom stood at the counter in her sleeveless sundress, pouring a cup of coffee. "Morning Lucy," she said with a smile. "Is Sister Gomez giving you a ride to church?"

"Yup." Every Saturday night while her family was wallowing in smut, Lucy called her Primary teacher and asked for a ride to church. Sister Gomez always said yes.

"You know, it would be really nice if you stayed home just this once. Grandma and Grandpa are coming over," her mother said.

But Lucy was unmoved. She knew that "just this once" would only be the tipping point.

Her dad's mug clinked as he set it on the table. "It would also be nice if you could help your sister with some chores before they get here."

Lucy scowled. Her father was so tricky. Using guilt to lure her into Satan's evil grip.

Knock, Knock.

Lucy looked at the door and grinned. Sister Gomez was here. She rushed to the door and threw it open. Sister Gomez stood on the threshold smiling.

"Hello Sister Gomez," said Mom.

"Sister Gomez, how are you doing?" asked Dad.

Sister Gomez ignored them. "Are you ready for church, Lucy?"

Lucy nodded and smiled back. "Yes!" she said, and closed the door behind her.

Her brother was out front mowing the lawn. He stopped for a second. "Hey there, Sister Gomez."

Sister Gomez grabbed Lucy by the arm, rushed her into her car and then peeled away from the curb.

Lucy sat reverently in sacrament meeting next to some adults who barely knew her. She listened to her Primary lessons and learned about Alma the Younger in the Book of Mormon. Although she didn't understand anything that was said, she knew that the superior feeling she had when she was in church proved that she was more spiritually mature than her family.

As she and Sister Gomez drove home after Primary, Sister Gomez said, "I admire you, Lucy. Most children who grow up in evil, sick, iniquitous hell holes can't muster the spiritual maturity to attend the one and only true church every Sunday."

"Thank you, Sister Gomez," Lucy replied primly. "I love being right."

As Lucy walked inside after being dropped off, she found her brother and grandpa at the dining room table playing gin rummy. Her sister, mom, and grandma were in the family room watching Downton Abbey and drinking tea. Then her dad walked in the back door with a stack of pizza boxes.

Aghast, and overwhelmed with spiritual maturity, Lucy put her hands on her hips and shouted:

"This is just WRONG!"

For a few long seconds everyone's eyes were on Lucy. Then Dad said, "Anyone want some pizza?"

"Yes, please."

"Sure, Dad."

"Thought you'd never ask."

Disgusted, Lucy heaved a sigh, marched into her room, shut the door, and sat on her bed. She said a prayer to Heavenly Father, asking for the spiritual maturity to survive another week in her evil, sick, iniquitous hell hole. Then she opened her scriptures and began to read.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we'll send a Primary teacher over to collect your kid for church next Sunday.

The Great Planet Rip-Off

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Wilbur T. Nussel, soon to be former 2nd counselor in the Elders Quorum presidency
Subject: I want my planet back!

Recently an article on the LDS website announced a shocking reversal in longstanding Mormon doctrine:

"Latter-day Saints' doctrine of exhalation is often reduced in media to a (similarly) cartoonish image of people receiving their own planets."  

Excuse me? Since when did my future planet become a cartoon? It was supposed to be the real deal. And not "in media." In church! Every Sunday. They promised. My very own planet. For crying out loud, it's the least the Brethren can do for me, given what I've done for them.

What I've Done For Them (the short list)

1. Attended all my meetings.
2. Paid my tithing.
3. Cleaned the ward meetinghouse toilets.
4. Cleaned the interior of the Turley Family's Suburban.
5. I read the entire Book of Mormon.
6. Watched the Super Bowl every year on Monday.
7. Knew the Church was true with every fiber of my being.
8. Dutifully tried to collect fast offerings from the bitter inactive gay guy.
9. Turned down a part as a member of the Zero Population Growth gang in Saturday's Warrior, citing moral objections.
10. Sat through hour long one on ones with the bishop about masturbation.
11. Raised my arm to the square and said "get thee hence" to the super-hot nonmember girl who flirted with me in high school.
12. Served a mission in Hawaii where I wasn't allowed to go swimming or look at a girl's midriff.
13. I spent an entire semester at BYU-Idaho.
14. Accepted a blind date invitation composed on my windshield in unscrewed Oreos.
15. Broke the above date when I discovered she wanted to go see Frozen.

I could go on, but you get it, don't you Abbottsville 4th? I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET A PLANET! Also a whole string of bare-midriffed wives, including the super-hot nonmember girl from high school--after I convert her in the Spirit World, of course.

That's it, Brethren! You're not ripping off this worthy priesthood holder. Either refund me my entire planet or I'm done.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll level with you. You're going to get a planet. Just keep it on the "down low" when you're around the media.

Recognizing The Gay Agenda

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic
Subject: Hollywood and The Gay Agenda

Recently a brave Mormon woman fell under intense fire for calling the movie, Frozen, a tool of The Gay Agenda. Sadly, I can't say I'm surprised. Because while Frozen screams gay to most faithful Latter-day Saints, the nonmember community has been fooled into believing the opposite.

Thoroughly brainwashed by TGA, the army of non-Mormon sycophants argues that the Disney movie is a brilliantly conceived masterpiece that merely encourages children to be themselves. Lame, I know, but we must remember that these poor confused souls are merely pawns of The Vast Homosexual/Transgender Conspiracy.

Bottom line, The Gay Agenda will stop at nothing in its ruthless advance toward its ultimate goal: Turning the whole world GAY!

Hungry for more recruits, The Gay Agenda continues to infiltrate the mainstream media via seemingly talented, intelligent, and accomplished celebrities, statesmen, philanthropists, corporate heads, so-called religious leaders, and a host of other unfortunate lemmings whom it's tricked into championing its cause.

That's because The Gay Agenda is not above employing humility, scientific fact, poise, logic, reason, and other sneaky, underhanded anti-Mormon tactics.

Thanks to them, Frozen, has made record sales at the box office. Also these other totally gay movies:

• American Hustle -- a thinly-veiled vehicle of The Gay Agenda, its leading man parades around in a girly-wig. 

Look at me! I'm gay!!!!

• Despicable Me 2 -- a so-called family-friendly film, it features "mutilated minions," a non-gender specific "TNT loaded shark rocket" and ends with a bouncy rendition of "Y.M.C.A." How gay is that?!!
• Captain Phillips -- starring Tom Hanks (that's just gay to begin with) and a bunch of men in close confines waving their pistols. (Do you see how sneaky they are?)
• Monuments Men -- Another group of pansy men -- only this time they're all oo-ing and aw-ing over art. Well, Cate Blanchett is in it too, only she's the manliest of them all.  

Can you tell the boys from the girls? I can't.

• Blue Jasmine -- Yet another effort from that famous pawn of TGA, Woody Allen, who has devoted his career to normalizing immorality. I know. I've seen every one of his films. At least twice.

And then to top it off, this Sunday's Oscars will be hosted by a lesbian. As a public service, I intend to watch the entire show. Just so I can tell everyone how GAY it is. 

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you've been exposed to too many scientific facts.

Also click here to read another great review of The Girls from Fourth Ward and here and here for two more "thumbs ups" for False Prophet!

Musings From Beyond The Mission Field--First Stop London!

To: abbottsville fourth ward
From: elder young, france paris mission
Subject: the world is our campus!

dear abbottsville fourth,

in my last email i wrote about how excited i am to be coming home and giving my missionary return talk. and i know how excited all of you are about hearing it. but it's going to have to wait, b/c comp's and my stake president got together and decided to release us online if we promised to stay out of the states for at least another 6 months! :-))))))

we were so excited we did a little happy dance all over the mission home. then we were kind of bummed b/c the mission president didn't like the idea. but rather than give up, we mustered all of our spirichal maturity dropped to our knees and begged "please please please, president, PULEEZE!" he finally agreed if we promised to leave france. we were like, DUH, why would we stay in france? after 2 years here on the Lord's errand we were already the ultimate frankofiles!!!! :)))))))))

so comp and i arrived in london yesterday and checked into this hostel run by this sweet old lady named Mrs. Hathaway who right off asked if we might like a spot of tea. we of course answered that no way would we ever partake of something so vile and sinful--but we said it nicely b/c we knew she meant well.

then we set out to have the typical london experience: we walked across Hide Park and hollered "pip pip and cheerio" to the everyone we met, and then headed over to buckingham palace where we leapt around and made silly faces at the queen's guards for an hour or so. after that we hit an authentic london pub. :-))))))))

DON'T WORRY A-4!!! we didn't drink any alcohol, i promise. :-O all we had was this super yummy cider--like 5 or 6 cups cuz all that leaping around had made us way thirsty. after that we started feeling the spirit really strong, in fact i was so swept up in it that all i can remember is standing on the bar and baring my testimony, then baring it again while dangling over the shoulder of this big huge dude named nigel. then again while comp and me were crawling up Mrs. Hathaway's front steps. it was way spirichal.

we woke up this morning on the floor of her lobby covered in blankets. Mrs. H was standing over us. she asked if we might like a spot of tea. we said no, only not as nicely this time b/c it was then obvious that she doesn't respect our standards. :-///////

i'm sorry A-4, i know how anxious you are to hear me share all my sacred mission experiences in church, but comp and i just cant pass up an opportunity to see all of europe. imagine how even better my talk will be when i get back!!! i'll be like the ward's official citizen of the world.   :-)))))))

love, elder young

p.s. instead of the usual marshmallow filled fudge bombs, comp and i could really use a little extra cash. last night's pub tab used up half of our pounds, and with the exchange rate here, it takes a lot to sustain our testimonies.

If you think you'd like to stop receiving these emails now, just wait until you see the hour-long youtube video of elder young and comp leaping around in front of the Queen's Guard.

Also, check out another great review of False Prophet here.