Tuesday, May 4, 2010

LDS Women Brace For Another Mother's Day

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: Mother's Day Sacrament Meeting

In anticipation of the inevitable complaints about this Sunday's Mother's Day program, I remind you of a previous Sacrament Meeting under the direction of Bishop Brent Loomis, whose shocking murder remains unsolved.

Sacrament Meeting
Presiding: Bishop Brent Loomis
Abbottsville Fourth Ward -- Mother's Day Service

Conducting: Bishop Loomis
Pianist: Sister Peterson
Music Director: Brother Souter

Opening Hymn:  #27 Praise to the Man

Opening Prayer: Brother Harold

Ward Business: Bishop Loomis

Sacrament Hymn: #171 With Humble Heart

Administration of the Sacrament by the Aaronic Priesthood

Youth Speaker: Brad Miller -- "Honoring my Priesthood: How I Preside Over my Mother."

Speaker: Sister Rae Ann Darcy -- "Scrapbooking is Special."

Special Musical Number: Fourth Ward Men's Choir -- See the Mighty Priesthood Gathered

Speaker: Bishop Brent Loomis -- "Dressed for Satan's Success: the effect of the feminine pantsuit on our society."

Closing Hymn: #340 The Star Spangled Banner

Benediction: Brother Renfro

***While worldly churches wallow in appreciation today, we, as members of the one and only true church, will focus on what really matters: worthiness. In that spirit, rewards will be meted out as follows:

Mothers of 5 or more children who have served missions and married in the temple: Horseshoe floral bouquet.

Mothers of less than 5 children who have served missions and married in the temple: Two dozen roses.

Young mothers who are raising their children to serve missions and marry in the temple: One dozen roses.

Mothers of less valiant children: Wrist corsage.

Working and/or single moms: One carnation.

Single sisters: A dandelion.

Upon completion of the distribution of gifts, ward members are released to the Cultural Hall for a four course Mother's Day feast, prepared and served by the Relief Society.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you a dandelion.


  1. My temple name is DeborahMay 5, 2010 at 8:58 AM

    The funniest part of this one was the title! I also loved the social status breakdown. They don't even try to deny it... I can't remember how many RS meetings I sat through where working women were overtly denigrated.

  2. Thanks for your comments guys! Always appreciated.

  3. Dear Donna, I think the ritual of the passing of the Marigold is a time honored tradition in the LDS church and deserves more respect than you've given it. For example, you didn't mention the childless women at all. They get the flowers with broken heads, the ribbon missing, and most importantly, they get to stand/half hunch as the ward looks on with appropriate shame and derision and the bishop offers the comforting words, "Now will the women who have not been blessed with children but hope to have those gifts restored in the hereafter, please stand and recieve your token of gratitude for having withstood the slings and arrows of disdain all your living barren days".

  4. For a play by play of this special day I would invite the holy Priesthood Wankers to read this story, which should serve as a warning of what could happen if they give their wife a ratchet set for Mother's Day : (there's three parts so click next if you are interested)

  5. @ Insana. Just read the first part, will click on the others. Funny stuff. Giving the Mormons the credit they deserve sure is a challenge for bloggers like us!