Friday, July 13, 2012

The Three Nephites Get New Suits!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Brother Sid Dooley, ward spiritual giant
Subject: Boosting the Lord's economy

Last week I had the opportunity to visit Salt Lake City, the capitol of Heavenly Father's dynasty, and the subject of a fascinating article in BloombergBusinessweek. My first stop was the temple where I completed an endowment session for and on the behalf of Zedekiah Baxter, who is dead. After the session, I passed into the Celestial Room where I was greeted by three gentlemen in white. They asked me to assist them in the Lord's errand. I immediately recognized them as the Three Nephites, and, of course, agreed.

We hopped into their shiny new Lexus (TM) and sped over to the Lord's newest place of worship, City Creek Center.

"Brother Dooley," said Nephite #1. "We are about to embark on a new mission, and we need your help."

"I am proud to be of assistance," I told them.

"Good," said Nephite #1. "But first we must determine your worthiness. May I see your American Express Card?" (AXP)

"Absolutely," I replied.

Nephite #1 quickly ran it through the scanner attachment on his iPhone. (AAPL) "You're worthy," he said, and pocketed my card.

"What is this new mission?" I asked.

"Well," #2 explained, "changing all those flat tires went a long way toward helping the Lord's servants. But it wasn't doing anything for His portfolio."

"I see, He wants you to switch to raising Him some heavenly capital," I said.

"Right," said #3. "But first we need to look the part. So, ONE TWO THREE -- let's go shopping!"

We began at Macy's (M) where all Three Nephites were fitted out with brand new Hugo Boss suits. ($2800) From there we went to Nordstrom (JWN) and shopped men's furnishings for some socks, shirts, and neckties. ($280) Then we ascended into the shoe department where, thanks to my worthiness, the Nephites acquired some new black wingtips. ($1200) Finally, we completed their new look at Tiffany & Company (TIF) with 3 new Atlas Chronograph watches. ($27,000)

Our business complete, I wished them luck with their new endeavor. Nephite #1 returned my credit card.

"Thank you, Brother Dooley, for your contribution to the Lord's portfolio," he said. "You may now expect a pre-tithe return of $31,280 worth of heavenly blessings."

I couldn't be more pleased with an investment. I wandered along in a blissful daze until I saw a familiar face smiling my way. It was none other than Zedekiah Baxter, who is dead.

"Brother Dooley!" he cried. "Thanks for doing that endowment on and for my behalf."

"Think nothing of it," I replied. "What brings you to the mall, Brother Baxter?"

"I'm on my way to Banana Republic. (GPS) The Celestial Kingdom isn't cheap these days and I don't want to show up looking shabby."

"Good thinking, brother," I said, and wished him happy shopping.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you must present your American Express card. (AXP)

Note from blog owner: Check out this article in written by postmormon girl!


  1. Those Three Nephites are crafty devils! And quite dapper now that Brother Dooley has paid his tithes to the great Church of City Creek Mall!

    Thanks for the shout-out Donna!21 ppeathr

  2. Loved it. Brother Dooley should compare notes with the folks at Landover Baptist Church!

  3. Thanks pm girl. I am so proud you -- PUBLISHED AUTHOR!!!

    Ahab, Thanks! But I need to read your back posts. I'm not familiar with the Landover Baptists.

  4. Donna -- Landover Baptist Church is a parody website that mercilessly satirizes fundamentalists. It depicts fundies as uber-rich, homophobic, and arrogant.

  5. Awesome! I'm going to check that out, Ahab.

  6. I don't think I can afford heaven, Donna. Are there any tourist class seats to hell left?

    Thanks for the link to PM Girl's post, by the way!

  7. Paul, I hear they give you airline miles if you shop at City Creek Center.