Mormons Finally Allowed To Know Their Own History

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, president of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Statement from the First Presidency

In a surprise statement earlier this month, the First Presidency announced that church members are finally worthy enough to know their own history. Since then, some actual fact-based articles have been published on the official church website, most notably an admission that the LDS Church has a racist past, and an explanation for the varying versions of Joseph Smith's First Vision. Additionally, a church spokesman agreed to a hard-hitting interview on KBYU:

Susie Wimpleton: I am speaking with T. Rulon Sneed, an official spokesman for the LDS Church. Welcome to the show, Brother Sneed.

Sneed: Thank you for having me, Susan. 

Wimpleton: Brother Sneed, the First Presidency recently released a statement on the official church website that disavowed its previous policy of denying African American men the priesthood. Can you explain why the Church adopted this racist policy in the first place?

Sneed: Well, to begin with, it wasn't Joseph Smith's fault. The Prophet Joseph actually ordained black men to the priesthood. However, after his death, the mantle of Prophet, Seer, and Revelator of the One and Only True Church fell upon Brigham Young. Unfortunately, as Prophet, Seer, and Revelator, Brigham made the stupid decision to exclude blacks from the priesthood. Probably because instead of listening to God, Brigham listened to the narrow-minded political hacks with whom he sought influence. Sadly, this bigoted policy remained in place until 1979 when the Prophet Spencer W. Kimball decided to listen to God.

Wimpleton: So, it was that familiar dilemma: Is the Prophet speaking as a man or is he speaking for God?

Sneed: Exactly, Susie, and as maddening as it is, bottom line, it's not our call, it's his--and occasionally (points heavenward) His.

Wimpleton: I see, and how does the First Presidency account for the varying versions of the First Vision? In the official version Joseph Smith saw Jesus and God, but in an earlier version he only recalled seeing Jesus and some angels.

Sneed: (nods vigorously) Yes, I know that's troubling to many church members. But memory is a tricky thing, Susie. People often mix up their recollections. To make matters worse, Joseph didn't even remember his vision until 12 years after the event actually occurred. Add to that, he was under the influence of inspiration and in the presence of larger than life characters. It's easy to understand how things may have blurred in Joseph's mind, don't you think, Susie?

Wimpleton: I suppose. Although it's hard for a person like me to imagine myself in his place.

Sneed: Think of it this way, Susie. You're at the Oscars' after-party, you're a little high, and all these famous faces are wandering in and out of your vision. You're bound to tell it differently each time. Joseph simply forgot God was there. It could happen to anyone.

Wimpleton: Recently, church leaders have come under fire for opposing gay marriage and also for not allowing a group of feminist sisters into last October's General Priesthood Session. Do you expect the Brethren to issue any explanations regarding those matters?

Sneed: Here's the thing with the gays. I feel for them, I really do. But the current Prophet, Seer, and Revelator of the One and Only True Church has made the decision to oppose gay marriage, and bottom line, it's not our call, it's his--and hopefully someday . . . (points heavenward).

Wimpleton: Uh-huh. And the women who were denied access to the General Priesthood Session, have the Brethren an explanation for that?

Sneed: They forgot they were there.

Wimpleton: I have been speaking with T. Rulon Sneed, official spokesman for the LDS Church. Thank you for time, Brother Sneed.

Sneed: My pleasure, Susie.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, understand that, bottom line, it's not our call.