Saturday, December 19, 2015

The Crazy Talk Gets Even Crazier

Mormons have always gone crazy in defense of their church and its teachings. It's never enough for a member to grudgingly go along with whatever the Brethren come up with next. She/he is expected to embrace each new policy or pronouncement with orgasmic excitement.

Yes, Brethren, YES! 

Although, in the wake of the recent new church policy regarding the children of same-sex couples, the quality of "faking it" has cheapened considerably. Uber-faithful Saints who used to carry on like Sally with Harry are now coming off more like Princess Leia with Jabba the Hutt. 

And the crazy-a**ed arguments they're making! For example, this popular post from (Gay) Mormon Guy that has been floating around social media for the past month. In it the openly gay, (I'm assuming) celibate, believing Mormon blogger argues that the Brethren are being totally fair. After all, the children of gay couples are not the only aspiring members who must face estrangement from their families. Among his examples are the daughter of fringe Mormon polygamists, and the son of radical Islamists who threatened to kill him for leaving their faith. 

I'll give the former extremist Muslim kid a pass for cutting ties with Mom and Dad. But I'm not even going to try to wrap my head around the (gay) blogger's logic of comparing married same-sex parents to homicidal fanatics. If any of my more intellectually grounded readers would like to take a pass at it, I welcome your insight.

As for the polygamy argument, I keep hearing it from seemingly thoughtful Mormons, even - and perhaps especially - from those who are gay.

How can an admittedly gay man equate his natural desire to be with another man to some creepy old pervert's desire to collect underaged girls? (Or to homicidal fanatics, for that matter?) How does one reduce himself to this level of self loathing? For the Brethren? Face it, they're a bunch of clueless old white men.

How clueless? Consider these remarks from apostle Dallin Oaks at a recent BYU Christmas address. Thanks to Heather! I saw this first on her blog, Four Monkeys.

"A few years ago, I analyzed the Christmas cards I received at my office and home. There were many, so this was not a small sample. Significantly, my sample was biased toward religious images and words by the fact that most of the cards were sent by fellow leaders or members of my faith.
I sorted the cards I received into three groups. In the first group I put the traditional cards—those with an overt mention of Christ and/or pictures evocative of the birth of the Savior. Only 24 percent of the cards I received were of this traditional character.
In the second group were those cards whose pictures and visuals were not at all religious, but they did have the words “Merry Christmas” to identify the religious origin of the holiday. This was the largest group—47 percent.
In the third group—comprising 29 percent of the cards I received—there was no mention of Christ or Christmas and no religious visuals at all. These cards had words like “Season’s Greetings,” “Happy Holidays,” “Peace in the New Year,” or “Peace and Beauty of the Season.” A few were so daring as to refer to “Peace on Earth” or “Faith, Hope, and Love,” but none had any pictures suggestive of religion.

For Latter-day Saints, Christmas should be a time to celebrate the birth of the Son of God and also to remember His teachings. In reality, His life has had greater impact on every part of this world and its history than any life ever lived. His gifts to us are the greatest gifts ever given—the assurance of immortality and the opportunity for eternal life. Those are the gifts we should celebrate at this and every Christmas." 

See what I mean Gentle Readers? Nobody should be lying down on her back for some creepy old man who spends his quality time dividing his holiday cards into groups and then running statistical analysis to determine the standard deviation of the appearance of the words "Christmas" and "Savior."

Nevertheless, I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that since Oaks' talk, Utah Valley stationary stores have been booming with business from shamefaced customers who've dumped their "holiday" cards for a new set of "Christmas" cards. And heaven help the poor schlubs who had already put theirs in the mail! -Sigh- You really don't need to act like you're enjoying it!

In that spirit, I wish you all Happy Holidays and Peace in the New Year! Thanks, as always, for reading.

I also hope that my above reference to Princess Leia doesn't dampen your enjoyment of the new Star Wars movie.

19 comments:

  1. I think your analysis here is excellent (not of the holiday cards). This is a strange argument indeed. Gay Mormons who are trying to support "the party line" get a measure of sympathy from me, although I do wish they'd ask themselves "why?"

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    1. It's very disturbing. The same is true of gays committed to other fundamentalist faiths. Never underestimate the power of guilt I suppose.

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  2. It is disturbing to me how many gay Mormons are so quick not merely to defend their faith, but to judge and condemn gay former Mormons who have the courage to stay true to themselves.

    As for the creepy old weirdo spending so much time over-analyzing his assortment of Christmas cards, Jesus Lard. First, he needs a real job. Second, why in the world would anyone in his/her right mind send the old fart a Christmas card after learning how he judges them based on their selection of artwork. What a freak.

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    1. Amen to this. I'd either send the b@$t@rd a deliberately offensive card in the future or permanently cross him off my list. On the other hand, i suspect his account is about as authentic as most of the war and sports stories told by the late great Paul H. Dunn.

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  3. Mr. Oaks is giving the members more ammo for the 'War on Christmas'. You know the war that doesn't really exist.

    I'm happy to report that, at least in my small sampling of religious people, on my facebook and other social media I haven't been experiencing the endless posts about the evils in the way I choose to express a greeting to others about the holidays.

    For this year I was thinking of posting a picture of myself donning some 'gay apparel'. fa la la la la laaaaa la la la.

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  4. Ha! JJ, you should definitely do that.

    AT, it is alarming how some gay Mormons are reacting. A friend of mine went to a candlelight vigil outside of the temple in Oakland after the new policy came out. She was marginalized for even suggesting that people could leave the faith. Very sad.

    I only send out a handful of cards anymore. But the ones I wrote this year say "Winter Wishes." So there.

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  5. Analyzing Christmas cards?? Some people have waaaayy too much time on their hands. And nothing on their minds.

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    1. I'm going to take my parents' Christmas card supply (hardly anyone sends Christmas cards specifically to me) to the lab and culture them for bacteria. That might almost be interesting.

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  6. Does Oaks really think that a Christmas card should reflect every single thing the sender thinks and believes about the time of year during which it's sent? If you send someone a birthday card that fails to mention the recipient's specific age, does that mean you don't care enough about the celebration? Sheesh.

    If it helps, your Harry/Sally/Leia/Jabba joke made me chuckle and might have helped spur me out of my Star Wars apathy a little!

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    1. don't the birthday cards you send mention a specific age, alex? mine do. It just isn't that difficult to find a card that says "Happy 46th Birthday" in Walgreen's.
      P. S. I wonder if the specific reminders of what birthday all my relatives are experiencing are the reason they all hate me now.

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  7. Pretty lame, I agree Jono and Alex.

    Every time you think they've run out of things to criticize the faithful for they prove us wrong. Christmas cards. Unbelievable.

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  8. This is totally going off on a tangent, but do you believe that Dallin Oaks actually divided his Christmas cards into categories, or did he totally make that up and pull numbers ut of thin air? It really doesn't matter, but my guess is that even if the cards were divided into piles, he had some flunkie do it and was too lazy or important to do the counting himself. then again, God only knows how these bastards amuse themselves.

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    1. Alexis, I was thinking the same thing - that some flunkie sorted them, or that some flunkie just made up the numbers. But the image of Oaks sitting by the fire in his Christmas pajamas and angrily dividing his cards into different judgmental categories is irresistible.

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    2. Whoever sent him the non-religious cards - if there really were any non-religious cards sent to him - was deliberately made to feel like $h!t.In truth, he probably receives NO cards whatsoever because he's a consummate @3$$hole.

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  9. I don't believe much of what he says and usually fall asleep before his talks are half over anyway. However, the visual of Oaks "angrily dividing his cards" is just too hilarious not to believe. What I can't believe is that they haven't found a way to monetize it. I can see it now, the Oaks collection of Christmas cards sold exclusively at Deseret Book. Or even better, a book by Dallin Oaks called "Counting Cards" available wherever LDS books are sold, Amazon.com, and Las Vegas gift shops. In Deseret Book, you'll find it next to Wendy Watson Nelson's "The Not Even Once Club," Thomas S. Monson's "One Little Match," and "Ponderize! The Scripture Mastery Journal" by Bunny Miner.

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    1. The image is indeed hilarious. And you are indeed prophetic, NearKolobite. I see a whole line of correct Christmas cards bankrolling Dallin Oak's future.

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  10. There was an Infants on Thrones episode on this very story. They like to think he was on the toilet while sorting the cards. I like to think that too.

    Thanks for the shout out lady! You are literally my favorite exmo blogger. =)

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    1. Aw, thanks Heather!

      On the toilet - hilarious. I love that people can laugh about it. Because, really, how many more ways can these jerks insult the people who pay their salary. Christmas cards. Sheesh!

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  11. There was an Infants on Thrones episode on this very story. They like to think he was on the toilet while sorting the cards. I like to think that too.

    Thanks for the shout out lady! You are literally my favorite exmo blogger. =)

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