For Doubting Mormons

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: For those who doubt

Over the past year, some have shared their doubts with me about the church and its leaders. A few have even confided that they might leave the faith. This would be a disastrous decision. Imagine Sundays without pantyhose and neck ties, Easter without General Conference, Christmas without tithing settlement. Not to mention an eternity spent as a lonely eunuch in one of the lower kingdoms. Not a pretty picture is it? Instead, I suggest the following strategies for remaining in the one and only true church.

Become a Cafeteria Mormon
After all, nobody can eat everything on the menu. So partake of what you can, and ignore the rest. Perhaps you don't use Amway products, hate scrapbooking, enjoy an occasional Mountain Dew, and don't behave as though sex is the sin next to murder. No worries. So long as:

1. You don't enjoy it.

2. You feel really really guilty about it.

Brandon should have known that
"some truths are not useful."

3. You're not on the BYU Basketball Team.

4. Your omissions do not include tithing, fast offering, church meetings, visiting teaching, home teaching, church callings, temple attendance, talk assignments, the word of wisdom, gay marriage protests, more than one ear piercing, splits with the missionaries, church magazine subscriptions, wearing your garments day and night, General Conference, the Glenn Beck show, food storage, and jell-o molds.

Dramatically lower your expectations.
I can't help but be surprised when ward members ask why their tithes and offerings aren't used for beautiful places of worship, qualified teachers, good speakers, inspiring music, and thoroughly vetted youth leaders.

Excuse me? Hello? We're Mormons, for crying out loud! 

Face it. If the ward toilets aren't clogged, the nursery leader makes an appearance, Brother Pukahi brings his ukulele, and you're lucky enough to fall asleep during Sacrament Meeting, consider yourself spiritually fed for the week.

Avoid anti-Mormon literature

Focus on the positive, tune out the rest.
Stop being such a grouch. Sure there are some negative aspects to Mormonism, but what's the point of dwelling on them? After all, there are so many positive things about living the Gospel.

Save yourself the aggravation by tuning out the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, the Pearl of Great Price, the Ensign, official church statements, the General Authorities, the temple ceremony, and any products or publications by Deseret Book.


Focus instead on happy things like the Primary Children's Songbook, Relief Society center pieces, and Sister Renfro's super-yummy cinnamon buns.

If after implementing the following suggestions you are still thinking of leaving the fold, remember that "inactives" are shunned by their friends, estranged by their families, and go on to lead warped, bitter, frustrating lives that end prematurely from a combination of alcohol poisoning and venereal disease.

See you all in church on Sunday! :-)

Bishop Z

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