LDS Church to Renew Ties with Park City
Salt Lake News -- published December 18, 2014
SALT LAKE CITY -- In a bold and historic move yesterday, LDS leaders announced they will be normalizing relations with their long estranged neighbor, Park City, Utah.
"The Brethren decided the citizens of Park City should benefit from exposure to a culture that is superior to their own," LDS spokesperson, G. Marilyn String, told the News.
In brokering the agreement, the LDS Church agreed to release alleged Park City spy, George Fielding. Apprehended last September in a men's room at the Joseph Smith Building, Fielding spent 92 days in solitary confinement on Temple Square.
Insisting the charges against him are false, Mr. Fielding told the News, "I swear to God, I'm innocent. I got bored during Meet the Mormons so I went to the can to splash some water on my face. Then these thugs in cheap suits jumped me and hauled me off to the clink."
"They put me on a restricted diet of Jell-O, Tater-tot casserole, and fry sauce--and then made me watch an endless loop of 'And I'm a Mormon' commercials," Fielding added, his voice thick with emotion. "Thank heaven they let me go. I'm so happy to be back in Park City."
In exchange for the release of Mr. Fielding, LDS leaders are now requesting the return of 37 of their own whom they had deployed behind enemy lines. However, with a hat tip to the quality of the LDS Church surveillance team, Park City officials confess they were completely unaware of any espionage in their community.
"We knew these folks had moved into town, but saw no evidence of any clandestine activities," Park City spokesperson, Homer T. Larsen explained. "They seemed to be just enjoying themselves like the rest of us."
"We have not arrested anyone for espionage," Larsen insisted. "The so-called Mormon spies are free to come and go as they please."
The 37 individuals in question have refused to comment on their current status. At press time, none had made arrangements to return to Church.
Showing posts with label the Brethren. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the Brethren. Show all posts
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Stay At Home, Sisters
To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: Priesthood Meeting Protest
It's come to our attention that some members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward intend to travel to Salt Lake City to attend an upcoming protest. Before packing your bags, please read the following missive from Church Public Affairs to the event organizers.
Dear Sisters,
The Brethren have held some wonderful conversations over recent years relative to women in the Church and the invaluable contributions we make. The recent changes you have seen, like lowering the missionary age for sisters and encouraging them to dress attractively, serve as examples and were facilitated by the efforts of many extraordinarily fine looking LDS women around the world.
After aggressively surveying their wives, daughters and secretaries, the Brethren have concluded that women in the Church, by a very large majority, do not share your advocacy for priesthood ordination for women and consider that position to be extremely unladylike. Declaring such an objective to be non-negotiable, as you have done, actually detracts from the helpful discussions that the Brethren have held as they seek to dictate the thoughts, concerns, and hopes of women inside and outside of the Church.
The priesthood session of General Conference is designed to strengthen men and boys as they receive specific instructions about their stewardship over women; therefore we are unable to fulfill your request for tickets. You are certainly welcome to view the live broadcast of the priesthood session on lds.org, the Mormon Channel or BYUtv, at home where you belong--and dressed in any appropriately modest clothing. Even pants.
Your organization has again publicized its intention to demonstrate on Temple Square during the April 5 priesthood session. Activist events like this detract from the sacred environment of Temple Square and the spirit of harmonious patriarchy sought at General Conference. Please reconsider.
If you feel you must come and demonstrate we ask that you do so in the free speech zone we've set up a short twelve blocks away from Temple Square, conveniently located near the Harmons Neighborhood Grocery where many of you choose to shop. (See attached map.)
Kindest regards,
Kimberly Baker
Wife of an official church spokesman
If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we ask that you make your request in the aforementioned free speech zone. (See attached map.)
Also check out another great review for The Girls from Fourth Ward, this time from talented blogger, Jono! Read it here!
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: Priesthood Meeting Protest
It's come to our attention that some members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward intend to travel to Salt Lake City to attend an upcoming protest. Before packing your bags, please read the following missive from Church Public Affairs to the event organizers.
Dear Sisters,
The Brethren have held some wonderful conversations over recent years relative to women in the Church and the invaluable contributions we make. The recent changes you have seen, like lowering the missionary age for sisters and encouraging them to dress attractively, serve as examples and were facilitated by the efforts of many extraordinarily fine looking LDS women around the world.
After aggressively surveying their wives, daughters and secretaries, the Brethren have concluded that women in the Church, by a very large majority, do not share your advocacy for priesthood ordination for women and consider that position to be extremely unladylike. Declaring such an objective to be non-negotiable, as you have done, actually detracts from the helpful discussions that the Brethren have held as they seek to dictate the thoughts, concerns, and hopes of women inside and outside of the Church.
The priesthood session of General Conference is designed to strengthen men and boys as they receive specific instructions about their stewardship over women; therefore we are unable to fulfill your request for tickets. You are certainly welcome to view the live broadcast of the priesthood session on lds.org, the Mormon Channel or BYUtv, at home where you belong--and dressed in any appropriately modest clothing. Even pants.
Your organization has again publicized its intention to demonstrate on Temple Square during the April 5 priesthood session. Activist events like this detract from the sacred environment of Temple Square and the spirit of harmonious patriarchy sought at General Conference. Please reconsider.
If you feel you must come and demonstrate we ask that you do so in the free speech zone we've set up a short twelve blocks away from Temple Square, conveniently located near the Harmons Neighborhood Grocery where many of you choose to shop. (See attached map.)
Kindest regards,
Kimberly Baker
Wife of an official church spokesman
If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we ask that you make your request in the aforementioned free speech zone. (See attached map.)
Also check out another great review for The Girls from Fourth Ward, this time from talented blogger, Jono! Read it here!
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