Friday, April 9, 2010

Write Your Own LDS General Conference Talk

To: Donna Banta
From: Mark Crawford
Subject: Mother's visit

Dear Donna,

Mother was in town for General Conference. So, instead of the usual three hour marathon with her at church, Byron and I were sentenced to twelve hours with her and the General Authorities in our living room. By now Mother has come to terms with the fact that I live with a man, and that I no longer obey the Word of Wisdom. This mercifully allowed Byron to mix multiple pitchers of martinis to accompany the talks. (Although Mother did ask what was in a martini, and when I told her she said, "Oh p-shaw!") Nevertheless, by the Sunday afternoon session, she was drinking them too.

Since you and the other lucky post-Mormons were living it up at the San Francisco Ferry Building, Byron and I decided to compose a synopsis of what you missed:

Generic General Conference Talk 
by Mark and Byron

Check all that apply.

Brothers and Sisters, today I would like to speak with you about:
a. obedience.
b. sweet little old ladies.
c. your filthy minds.

I know that many of you struggle with your commitment to the Gospel because of:
a. these trying economic times.
b. your addiction to porn.
c. your warped desire to have "fun."

For those who harbor such selfishness, I invite you to consider the least fortunate among us. Last month I visited a tiny LDS branch in:
a. Calcutta.
b. Mozambique.
c. Queens.

After church, the branch president invited me into his hut, where his wife offered me:
a. her last few drops of Hawaiian Punch.
b. a box of lime Jell-O.
c. the remainder of the strained carrots she was feeding her infant. 

I asked the young president if he was in need of any church welfare. He immediately waved me off, and said that he and his flock preferred that the church devote its resources to:
a. eliminating the Internet.
b. defining the word, "marriage."
c. developing a line of modest prom dresses.

While the generic G.A. reads the following lines, cut from his face to any or all of the accompanying pictures.

Would that we all had such faith! But then none of our trials are as great as those of our ancestors. Consider the sacrifice of my Great-great-great:
a. Uncle Hyrum who died defending traditional marriage.

b. Aunt Eugenia who dug Uncle Hyrum's grave with only a teaspoon.

c. Grandfather Maxwell, who went to the Sweden, Stockholm Mission and converted over 100 women.

In closing, brothers and sisters, I leave you my testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel. I bear witness that our Savior expects each and every one of you to:
a. pay a full tithe, attend all your meetings, go to the temple, magnify your calling, do your genealogy, have a year's supply of food, serve a mission, marry, raise at least 6 kids in the church, then serve a senior mission.
b. pay a full tithe, attend most of your meetings, have a temple recommend, and do your home/visiting teaching.
c. at least pay your tithing.

In return He promises:
a. you won't have a single minute to yourself.
b. you won't have time for any "fun."
c. there will be no money left over to spend on porn.

As I told Bishop Z, it was the most mind-numbingly boring crap I've ever seen on TV. And now I'm all out of vodka.


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