From: Mark Crawford
Subject: Mother's visit
Mother was in town for General Conference. So, instead of the usual three hour marathon with her at church, Byron and I were sentenced to twelve hours with her and the General Authorities in our living room. By now Mother has come to terms with the fact that I live with a man, and that I no longer obey the Word of Wisdom. This mercifully allowed Byron to mix multiple pitchers of martinis to accompany the talks. (Although Mother did ask what was in a martini, and when I told her she said, "Oh p-shaw!") Nevertheless, by the Sunday afternoon session, she was drinking them too.
Since you and the other lucky post-Mormons were living it up at the San Francisco Ferry Building, Byron and I decided to compose a synopsis of what you missed:
While the generic G.A. reads the following lines, cut from his face to any or all of the accompanying pictures.
Would that we all had such faith! But then none of our trials are as great as those of our ancestors. Consider the sacrifice of my Great-great-great:
b. Aunt Eugenia who dug Uncle Hyrum's grave with only a teaspoon.
c. Grandfather Maxwell, who went to the Sweden, Stockholm Mission and converted over 100 women.
a. pay a full tithe, attend all your meetings, go to the temple, magnify your calling, do your genealogy, have a year's supply of food, serve a mission, marry, raise at least 6 kids in the church, then serve a senior mission.
b. pay a full tithe, attend most of your meetings, have a temple recommend, and do your home/visiting teaching.
c. at least pay your tithing.
In return He promises:
a. you won't have a single minute to yourself.
b. you won't have time for any "fun."
c. there will be no money left over to spend on porn.
As I told Bishop Z, it was the most mind-numbingly boring crap I've ever seen on TV. And now I'm all out of vodka.