Friday, June 18, 2010

Mormons Keep A Low Profile At San Francisco Giants Game

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Missed you guys at the Giants game!

Our group of die-hard ex-Mormons went to LDS Family Night at AT&T Park last Tuesday for two reasons: to drink beer and watch the Mormons. Hello? Where were you? 

Here's how the invitation read:
The BYU Alumni invites you and your family to enjoy a night out at the

LDS Night at the San Francisco Giants
Tuesday, June 15th

5:30 Pre-game entertainment at SF Giants County Fair
6:45 Pre-game family history presentation in ballpark before first pitch
7:15 Game vs. Baltimore Orioles

LDS entertainers, including Showbiz ( and Brooke White, American Idol Top 5 finalist, will perform at pre-game festivities on the site of the SF Giants County Fair located just outside the ballpark by McCovey Cove. Brooke will also sing during the 7th inning stretch.

A Church Area Authority will present Mike "Kruk" Krukow, with his personal family tree, during a pre-game ceremony before the 1st pitch of the game.

"LDS Night" tickets are available at the following prices:
$30 Lower Box 
$20 Lower Box Corner 
$13 Bleachers -or- View Reserved, Infield
To order tickets, call the SF Giants sales department. Mention "LDS Night" to receive the discount pricing listed above.

Special rates are available for group ticket orders of greater than 25 and 100. To order, contact xxx xxxx at 415 - ### - ####.

Even though Mark and I were there by 6:30 strolling around the park, we completely missed the presentation to Kruk by a Church Area Authority. Either it happened during the two minutes it took us to buy a couple of Bud Lights, or it was so low key nobody noticed, or it was solemnized in the Oakland Temple.

When we found our fellow ex-Mormons, the conversation went something like this:

"Where are all the Mormons?"

"Damned if I know."

"How 'bout that guy with the male pattern baldness?"

"His beverage looks suspect."

"Maybe that big family?"

"Don't think so, the mom's ears are double-pierced."

After some effort we finally spotted a bleacher section filled with big families, conservative haircuts, non-alcoholic beverages, and a few BYU t-shirts. We concluded they were the Mormons.

Ex-Mormon spies TBM's at San Francisco Giants Game

Sometime around the third inning LDS Family Night at the San Francisco Giants flashed on the screen. We held our breath in anticipation of the inevitable cheer from the proud members of the one and only true church. It never happened. Then later when Mormon American Idol finalist, Brooke White, sang an a cappella version of "Take Me Out to the Ballpark," she failed to arouse the crowd. The little bouncing ball on the lyrics would have done more. We finally had to give up and watch the game -- a downer because the Giants lost.  

My dear friends from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, can you explain this uncharacteristic humility on the part of the Mormons? Has the LDS Church undergone a huge policy shift? Perhaps the San Francisco Stake's Church Public Affairs Committee has yet to be fully staffed? Or could it be that the Mormon Church has insulted the citizens of San Francisco to such a degree that its members are embarrassed to be recognized? Hmmm . . . Oh yeah, I remember. You were being persecuted.



  1. Those who came in BYU shirts promptly pulled non-logo sweatshirts and jackets over the top when they entered the stadium and realized they were being persecuted already. After all, isn't direct eye contact persecution?

  2. Also the sisters probably thought we were staring at their chests!!

  3. What a pathetic obsession you must have with your former faith to go to such lengths. Kind of comical, actually.

  4. My temple name is DeborahJune 18, 2010 at 6:14 PM

    Hahaha! I love the pic! Maybe the Giants should have Mormon night on Monday next time. Or just have an exmormon night to draw a bigger crowd, it is SF after all.

    Hmm... It seems to me that anybody who reads this blog must be overly obsessed with Mormon apostates! I don't blame them though, we are interesting. And hott.

  5. Yes, My temple name is Deborah, I agree our awesomeness is overwhelming!

  6. It was a shame more members were not there to partake of such a spiritual experience. I surely had a burning in my bosom (or was that heartburn from the hot dog and chocolate?). Then the next morning I was smitten with a deep sleep not unlike Alma the Younger (or was that my hangover when I had to get up for work?).

    At least we can count on many non-members begging for baptism this Sunday after Sister White's moving vocals and sweet spirit.

  7. I can imagine it would be a really difficult and uncomfortable thing to be openly LDS in San Fransisco. Perhaps they need a Harvey Milk type of character to help them integrate and be accepted in the community. Afterall, just because they are repressed, homophobic, racist, backward, inbred, and lacking in intellectual qualities does not mean that they shouldn't be allowed in public.

    I can imagine they'd get booed like George Duhbya Bush did at the game he went to. That's a pretty uncomfortable humiliation...I assume. To be so hated that an entire stadium would shout "BOO" en masse. Sucks to be Mormon right now, or ever.

    Donna, your writing and humor are wonderful gifts. The LDS church seems to expell or lose all it's best and brightest talent and is only left with the dull, witless, or deeply repressed. Oh yeah, hi JamesM. I hope you enjoy your apostate heathen dabblings here. Careful, you might be forced to examine how silly and superficial your religion is by hearing it parodied so perfectly.

  8. JamesM spent over an hour on my blog. I welcome him back. Thanks for your kind words, InsanaD. I look forward to reading more of yours.

  9. I get a little hate mail over at Exmormonforums and it's always so priceless and fun. As a devout Godless Whore of Babylon heathen apostate I take great pride in giving my detractors a very charming and graceful welcoming embrace, often much too long and embarassingly intimate to which they often shirk back and then just tuck tail and run away. It always sets the religious on edge to be so well loved. I suspect they're just uncomfortable with the freedom of bodily expression, or maybe my heaving deliciously firm and bouyant boobies. If Jesus had had a pair of these ta ta's they wouldn't have killed him.