Just Wearing Pants Isn't Enough!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Mark Crawford. ward inactive token gay who still gets the emails
Subject: Wear Pants to Church Day

My dear friends in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward,

As many of you know, this Sunday is Wear Pants to Church Day, an event created by Mormon feminists that invites LDS sisters everywhere to wear slacks to church in order to promote gender equality.

When I heard about this, my heart was touched and I became filled with the spirit. So much so that for the first time in years, my husband, Byron, and I have decided to attend church on a Sunday when my mother isn't even in town.

But as much as I approve of this protest, I am afraid that it will fall way short of the desired goal. It's based on a faulty assumption. The event's organizers claim the following:

We believe that much of the cultural, structural, and even doctrinal inequality that persists in the LDS church today stems from the church's reliance on – and enforcement of – rigid gender roles that bear no relationship to reality.

Sounds reasonable all right. But here's the problem: since when have the straight white guys running the LDS Church had any relationship to reality?

Consider the rational responses left in the comment field on the event's Facebook page. The people we are dealing with are not at all ashamed to publicly state the following:

LMAO! Geez! haha...what the hell is WRONG with women in our society these days? If you're going to wear pants, they might as well get penis implants too, to make them even MORE masculine.**

or

The beauty of an event like this is that it EXPOSES the most angry, prideful women in the church. The types that are SO selfish and arrogant that they'll destroy marriages and families and harm innocent children by demanding divorce.** 

or

I'm exhausted with feeling the obligation to be "half gay" in order to feel attracted to the "new and improved" arrogant "manly" women in American society.**

Get it Abbottsville Fourth? When dealing with what has to be the most clueless demographic in American society, reasonable people cannot rely on subtlety to get their point across. The racist, homophobic, misogynistic pricks in charge need to finally get it through their thick skulls that we aren't buying into their bullshit. We need to speak their language.

In that spirit and out of the goodness of our hearts, Byron and I mixed up some dry martinis and prayed for guidance.

Halfway through the second pitcher we received the following revelation about the LDS hierarchy: The white male pricks in charge never miss an opportunity to verbally fart the usual bullshit theories they've invented for the sole purpose of ensuring that they remain the white male pricks in charge. By the end of any given Sacrament Meeting, there's so much gas in the room that the tiniest spark could blow the entire building to smithereens. 

No wonder they don't allow candles.

This Sunday let's beat them at their own game. In addition to wearing pants, we encourage every like-minded progressive ward member to bring his or her favorite flatulence device to church. Then be poised to activate it at the first whiff of verbal methane from the Brethren. When they let one rip, we'll let one rip.

Byron and I will arrive at the ward meetinghouse early on Sunday armed with extra whoopee cushions and electronic farting devices. If we run out, participants can always fall back on the simple razzberry. Hopefully this will get our message across. If not, we may have to undo our trousers, bend over and moon the moronic misogynist asshole who is still too thick to get the message. 

For more information visit our new Facebook event page: Drop Your Pants in Church Day. (You may want to mix up a pitcher of dry martinis first.)

**The above quotes are actual quotes on an actual Facebook page, not satire written by the blog owner. She's not that good.

--Update! It appears the Wear Pants to Church Facebook page was just shut down, so you'll now have to take the blog owner's word on what was in the comment field. But come on! Has she ever lied to you? :-)

--Second Update! The page is back up again -- as of 12/14/12 10:40 AM, anyway.