Wednesday, July 31, 2013

LDS Church Conducts New Survey On Doubt

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: Church survey on doubt

In response to this highly negative and blatantly inaccurate story in the New York Times--www [dot] nytimes [dot] com/bullshit-story--the LDS Church has conducted a reliable survey that reveals who among the faithful are actual doubters. The results are summarized in the following statement from a church spokesman:
According to research conducted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a significant majority -- 77 percent -- of those who attend church "believe wholeheartedly in all the teachings of the church." 
Some Latter-day Saints, however -- 22 percent in the survey -- find that "some teachings of the LDS Church are hard for me to believe." A demographic study of these "doubting Mormons" revealed them to be of mixed ethnicities, lower socio-economic status, and educated outside of Utah Valley or Rexburg, Idaho.
A similar study of the 77 percent who claim to believe wholeheartedly in the church reveals them to be white, upper middle class, graduates of Brigham Young University, and residents of Davis County, Utah. 
-- Providing further evidence for why the LDS Church continues to maintain the reputation it so richly deserves.*
*A survey of Mormons who no longer attend church has been curtailed due to the profane nature of the respondents' answers. 
If you would like to stop receiving these emails you will not be included in our next survey.

14 comments:

  1. *A survey of Mormons who no longer attend church was curtailed due to the profane nature of the respondents' answers." YOu're killing me Donna!! This is so funny.

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    1. Dee, it's the material! Honestly, that Deseret News article was so pompous. Just begging for satire.

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  2. Literacy and education are the greatest dangers to Mormonism. And flaming gay ninja warriors. Extremely dangerous.

    The next "revelation" is going to be that the Gospel is like Facebook's status feed... constantly changing and unknowable, so pray harder, refresh often, and have faith!

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    1. Too true, Donavan. When I read that Deseret News article that claimed the believers were "more educated," my first question was, "Educated where, and by whom?"

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  3. I emailed you when I intended to comment. My point, whichever way it is transmitted, is that I'm concerned about how long it's taking LDS Inc. to realize the only way to save precious souls is to call the righteous back to Zion. Only from behind Zion's curtain can the righteous who are on the brink of losing their righteous statuses be protected from themselves and their own evil human natures. Davis County, Utah, is one heck of a place to raise souls who will CTR and Follow the Prophet and lengthen their strides and quicken their paces and sniff those little forget-me-nots. Too much thinking is dangerous.

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    1. Good point, Alexis. They also need to hide the faithful from the Internet.

      I love the lengthy and thoughtful comments you make here, also the posts on your blog!

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  4. Laconic is one thing of which I've never been accused of being. I started out speaking in sentences, and soon advanced to paragraphs. My writing is the same.

    Thanks for the compliment, though.

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  5. "Ash said he understands that the church’s curriculum “is set up to draw us closer to Christ” and not to “dwell on the historical details" ..."

    Yeah, don't focus so much on uncomfortable facts or historical truth. That's incidental. Just love Christ and do what we tell you!

    "Faith must ultimately be about the content of divine revelation, not the means or human instruments by which it is revealed.”

    How can you look at one without the other? If the messenger is fallible, doesn't that cast doubt on the message he's delivering? Ugh.

    “Whether or not Joseph Smith was seriously flawed is a matter of personal judgment,” Bushman continued.

    I agree with Bushman that the whole story of Joseph Smith, warts and all, should be shared with the Mormon community. However, I think the fact that Smith was a lying, manipulative, womanizing @#$% is more than a matter of personal judgment.

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    1. Well said, Ahab.--Let's not "dwell" on the truth.

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  6. I heard of a survey conducted years ago by a female professor at BYU (Women's Studies) that the more educated women become the more likely they are to leave the church. I can't, unfortunately, produce the survey; however, it makes sense to me.

    I've always found it ironic that the church encourages education yet they so outrageously discourage questioning. Like so many other things in the CoJCoLDS it's contradictory.

    I think that the new change in policy about women going on missions at 19 is going to bring the number of women who graduate from college down quite a bit. That should solve some of their retention issues.

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    1. Good points, Just Jill. I wonder if, instead of getting married at 19, there had been an alarming number of girls finishing college, and that triggered the missionary age change.

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  7. I would love to hear the profane answers of those who no longer attend church. :)

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    1. I imagine you could compose one yourself!

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