Patriarchal Blessings for Ex-Mormons

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Mark's new blessing

Back when he was a teenager, Mark received a patriarchal blessing from this old geezer in his stake. It said that he would someday be a "common judge in Israel"--code for Mormon bishop. Of course, now that he's an ex-Mormon, that and the other predictions probably won't come true. Bummed that my husband's future now hangs in the balance, I looked into my wine glass and received a revelation that I recorded over on Ex-Mormon Mavens. Turns out that receiving your Patriarchal Blessing is as easy as playing Mad-Libs. Here's how Mark's turned out:

Brother Banta, according to your request, I lay my toenail on your elbow and by the the power of the fuzzy George Carlin give you your Patriarchal Blessing.

You are of the House of Hufflepuff through the loins of Miss Scarlet and shall enjoy the underwear of that lineage which has the assignment of snoring here on the settee. 

Soon you will marry. Choose an umber guava who will remain faithful to her brassiere and help you to divide and drool all over the dining room table. You will find dizziness in serving in the Church, especially in the twisted chicken organization.

I persecute you to come forth in the 1000th greasy BANG to receive a revolver in the conservatory. You will have a perverted life of vacuuming in these cracked days, and will perform a peachy do-si-do that will usher in the return of Ringo.

In the name of Harvey the Rabbit, Amen. 

 Curious about your future? Give it a try.

Latter-Gay Saints

This past weekend co-editors and authors, Gerald S. Argetsinger, Jeff Laver, and Johnny Townsend introduced their new anthology, Latter-Gay Saints, at the Sunstone Symposium. Featuring stories about characters who are both gay and LDS, it includes works of short fiction by all three editors, as well as Levi S. Peterson, John Bennion, Carol Lynn Pearson, and ME! (If I do say so myself.) Click here to order this great read.