Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Patriarchal Blessings for Ex-Mormons

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Mark's new blessing

Back when he was a teenager, Mark received a patriarchal blessing from this old geezer in his stake. It said that he would someday be a "common judge in Israel"--code for Mormon bishop. Of course, now that he's an ex-Mormon, that and the other predictions probably won't come true. Bummed that my husband's future now hangs in the balance, I looked into my wine glass and received a revelation that I recorded over on Ex-Mormon Mavens. Turns out that receiving your Patriarchal Blessing is as easy as playing Mad-Libs. Here's how Mark's turned out:
Brother Banta, according to your request, I lay my toenail on your elbow and by the the power of the fuzzy George Carlin give you your Patriarchal Blessing.
You are of the House of Hufflepuff through the loins of Miss Scarlet and shall enjoy the underwear of that lineage which has the assignment of snoring here on the settee. 
Soon you will marry. Choose an umber guava who will remain faithful to her brassiere and help you to divide and drool all over the dining room table. You will find dizziness in serving in the Church, especially in the twisted chicken organization.
I persecute you to come forth in the 1000th greasy BANG to receive a revolver in the conservatory. You will have a perverted life of vacuuming in these cracked days, and will perform a peachy do-si-do that will usher in the return of Ringo.
In the name of Harvey the Rabbit, Amen. 
 Curious about your future? Give it a try.


  1. Almost as accurate as my horoscope, but way funnier.

    1. Actually, the snoring on the settee bit is pretty on the money.

  2. You need to get off that South African stuff and back onto the Italian reds.

  3. I SOOO want a Patriarchal Blessing. After all,I've been baptized for the dead even though I wasn't baptized for the living (myself) and I WAS blessed at the age of two even if no one heard a word my grandfather said during the blessing because I screamed through the whole thing. For all I know, instead of "blessing" me, he may have pronounced a throng of plagues on my head. Maybe HE's the reason for some really bad things that happenened to me. Maybe his blessing is the reason someone stole my car keys last week, which cost me more than tithing on my meager income would have cost to replace, never mind the cost of re-keying our house. He probably specifically pronounced it when he "blessed" me when I was two. Regardless, I WANT a Patriarchal Blessing, right after I get the Oompah Loompah that I want. The real thing. I'm worthy, dammit!

    Even though I'm not technically a member of th church of the lovely underwear and sacred handshakes, I've undergone just enough of their ordinances (ordnunces? isn't that how it's really pronounced) that this "Commmon Judge of Israel" shit has me worried, though more confused than worried. First of all, I want to know just who it is who will supposedly have the power to judge me after my death according to the teachings of Mormonism, We all know that chances are 99.9999999999 % that it won't make a damned bit of difference who these Common Judges are anyway, and that it's more likely that they will oneday sit around in a giant circle jerk-off and judge each other than that they'll ever have the power to judge any of us, but I'm a little concerned about that 00.0000000001 % chance that there really is something to it all and that Brother Joseph, the Lion of Lard, and all their ilk weren't just delusional.

    Still, if God is as powerful and all-knowing as everyone claims He is, why the hell does He need a pack of "Common Judges of Israel" to help him determine who goes where in the next life? I thought He was all-knowing and omnipresent. I just don't get it.

    But I still want my damned Patriarchal Blessing without jumping through any of their Mormon hoops, AKA paying them any money or showing up at their meetings. (I'd rather literally jump through the lovely hoops disguised with flowers at all the wedding receptions than jump through the figurative ones.) I want to know what they think might have happened to me had I been a righteous soul (which everyone knows I haven't been since I was two days old and ripped an IV out of my leg; I was even a bad baby) but the "what ifs" intrigue me.

  4. You've been baptized for the dead? How perverse is that? I think that entitles you to a blessing.

  5. amazing. Thanks for the morning snort. Though it didn't feel great with coffee coming up through my nose.

    1. So glad I made you laugh, JJ. We dearly need to.