Friday, November 21, 2014

New PR Campaign to Precede Next Essay

LDS Church Leaders Plan Next PR Blitz 
Salt Lake News -- published November 21, 2014

Drawing on what they consider to be a successful response to their recent essay, Plural Marriage in Kirtland and Nauvoo, the Brethren have approved the roll out of yet another monthlong PR campaign, this time in preparation for their next topical essay: A Complete Disclosure of LDS Church Finances. 


"We were worried about how the plural marriage essay was going to be received," said church spokesperson, Leonard George. "Then the General Authorities came up with this member-driven ad campaign. It was brilliant, really." 

"Sure, the average church member was sorry to learn that our founding prophet was guilty of polygamy, polyandry, adultery and statutory rape," George admitted. "But it was so much easier for him to put all of that aside after he'd spent the month boasting online about his church affiliation and plugging a feature length documentary about us. The Brethren figure the members will need the same kind of incentive before they learn where their money really goes."

Details of the advertising effort have not yet been released. But inside sources say members will again be called upon to change their social media status to another en masse meme such as, "I'm a Mormon and I Tithe." 

Also production has begun on a new documentary, one that will focus on individual Mormons and the many sacrifices they make for their church and in their communities. 

"Just like Meet the Mormons was a timely reminder that most Latter-day Saints are monogamous, law-abiding citizens, we hope this new documentary will demonstrate how generous and ethical some of us are," George explained.

Nevertheless, there is a significant number of LDS Church members who have become disaffected with their faith after reading the revelatory essays on the official LDS website, the most recent being about Joseph Smith's womanizing.

"Frankly, we're not surprised," said George. "Some people are just easily offended and want to sin."


16 comments:

  1. You had me at the first paragraph!

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  2. Damn, Donna! You'll be sending Andy Borowitz to the gutter and taking his place. This is an absolutely marvelous piece of satirical writing.

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  3. You have a good eye for cognitive dissonance among the Mormons!

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  4. Thanks Marion, Desert Bill and Ahab. Like I always say, I have great material!

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  5. It's funny because there's so much truth in it!

    I wouldn't be surprised if a new church-made video hit YouTube soon that had lots of earnest, tearful church members talking about what a great opportunity it is to be forced to give ten percent of their incomes to the church.

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    1. No kidding, Alex. And then there could be a sequel featuring earnest church members mopping the ward meetinghouse and gushing over how special the experience is.

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  6. They should start a new series about how the apostles live on that six-figure tax exempt stipend plus perks courtesy of the faithful tithe payers. "Lifestyles of the Rich and Heinous." : )

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    1. I might actually buy a ticket to that one!

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  7. " A Complete Disclosure of LDS Church Finances. "
    Do you think they'll get much competition from the Catholic Church?

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    1. Hmm, does the Pope own a shopping mall too? If he does I'll bet it has way better architecture.

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  8. I have relatives on my dad's side who are significantly behind on bills. They keep their mortgages, car loans taxes,, and utilities relatively current so they won't be without power, transportation , or a home, but the bill collectors have them on speed dial. Yet they pay their tithes before they pay anything else. My parents usually don't help them financially anymore (although they and two other uncles have paid for the education of more than half of of the nieces and nephews on that side) because they're fed up with the idea of people giving more than 10% of their income to a church when they cannot afford to do so.

    My mom recently sent a cake mix, can of frosting, candles, a bottle of canola oil, and powdered eggs so that my little cousin could at least have a cake for her sixth birthday. And this child's father is an MD. My mom sent the little girl a few presents, but she had to scuff up the soles of the shoes and cut tags out of the clothing so that no store would take it back. She threw away the original packaging from the doll and hoped that would be enough to keep the stores from taking the doll back.(This is the sort of thing Toys for Tots and other organizations that help the needy have to do in order to protect children's Christmas gifts. You'd think my more-or-less educated relatives would be above needing such measures to be takken in order that their children would actually receive the presents given to them.) But family comes first for Mormons. My grandma gave the little girl a present, too, because twice a year my mom goes to Utah and takes my dad's mom shopping to get birthday gifts for all the kids; some of the presents have to be messed up slightly so they can't be returned to stores for cash or store credit, but Grandma is getting old. She can't even remember birthdays unless we remind her (we only remind her of the children's birthdays) and some days she doesn't feel strong enough to bake or frost cakes. My grandma is the only true Christian out of the entire Morridor Mormon branch of the family.

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    1. It's disturbing how what some Mormons sacrifice for their church. Thanks for sharing this Alexis.

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  9. My TBM Mom, who is 92, is refused a temple recommend because she won't tithe. She's on a limited income and feels her money is better used to keep her warm and comfortable; she feels her family can use the money more than the Church.

    For this sensible attitude she has been kept from grandchildren's weddings and from attending the Temple for her own peace of mind. My mom will never give up her love and testimony of the Church; however, she has taken a very sensible approach to how much of the nonsense she'll accept into her life.

    I'm proud of her for taking care of herself before giving up her time, talent and treasures to a corporate conglomerate like LDS Corp.

    I find it so crazy that the Mormon Church has conned members into paying for their 'Meet the Mormons' infomercial, not once but twice. The first time through tithes the 2nd time through ticket sells. How do members not see through this crap?!?

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    1. Kudos to your mom, JJ! And when it comes to the temple ceremony, she's not missing much. (Psst-it's a rerun.)

      They had to sit through that infomercial twice? Really?

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  10. Brilliantly funny! I don't think an essay with that title will see the light of day, but here's to hoping. I have thought that when people get a sense that something isn't right with the church, that the large contributions required will have a negative effect, especially on the younger generation.

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    1. I agree, Debbie. I think the reasoning behind these essays and other PR efforts is to retain a younger generation of Mormons who are leaving the church in droves.

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