My Interview with Jerry the Aspousetate

In November San Franciscans will vote on whether tax dollars can be spent on legacy businesses. One of those businesses is the Hotel Utah Saloon, which has its own special legacy for local Exmormons. We've been celebrating Utah Pioneer Day there since the turn of the century (1999).

The event organizer is our beloved never-been-Mormon host, Jerry Vaught, also known as “Jerry the Aspousetate” on the Recovery from Mormonism Bulletin Board. I had the pleasure of sitting down with him this week just ahead of the 2015 Pioneer Day party.

Donna Banta:
Jerry, welcome to Ward Gossip! I'm honored that you are here.

Jerry Vaught:
I'm happy to be here, Donna

DB:
Jerry, you've been hosting the Exmormon party at the Hotel Utah Saloon every July 24th since 1999, is that correct?

JV:
I have.

DB: 

For the sake of my readers who are still practicing Mormons, can you explain what exactly goes on at these events?

JV:

There is a lot of drinking and violating of the Word of Wisdom and loud laughter. There’s no agenda.

DB:

No agenda? I'm afraid you may have just scared away my few believing readers.

JV: 
(chuckles) I've been known to do that.

DB:

It's difficult to describe how crazy and fun these parties are without citing examples. Mark and I have been attending since 2004. As you know, our annual contribution is the Joseph Smith Sphinx poster that beckons the faithful to our hangout above the stage. One year it mysteriously disappeared. After a thorough search, we concluded that Joseph the Sphinx had been “taken back up to heaven,” threw up our hands, and went home. The next day the bar called to report that our sphinx had somehow turned up onstage with the band later in the evening! We drove back over to reclaim him. He’s looked a little dazed ever since.

JV:
That Joseph was always sneaking off somewhere.

DB:

Indeed. What are some of your favorite Hotel Utah Saloon memories?

JV:
Well, there was the time I put up a wanted poster of Warren Jeffs and it attracted the attention of the regulars at the bar. One asked if the then fugitive was to be our featured speaker. Another year Pat Bagley from the Salt Lake Tribune dropped by and drew cartoons on our hands. Also there was the year a woman brought a giant jello mold of the Salt Lake City temple. You never know what to expect at these things.

DB:

Do you ever get any active Mormons?

JV:

Yes, but not necessarily on purpose. One year a woman who happened to be at the bar that evening saw our sign and announced, "I'm a Mormon." Noticing the beer in her hand, I figured her for one of us, and invited her to join the party. She hesitated a moment, scowled, and said, "No. I have to teach Relief Society tomorrow."

DB:
Too bad she passed on your invitation. She might have gained inspiration for her lesson.

JV:
Also we sometimes get some mystery guests. Folks who don't drink or interact, but seem overly curious. And most years the bar gets a call from an anonymous person asking, "How many Exmormons are there, and what are they doing?"

DB:
Think they might be Mormon spies?

JV:
Maybe. We don't ask and they don't tell.

DB:
Jerry, as the long time dedicated host of this and two other amazing Northern California Exmormon parties, the mantle of Exmormon leadership has deservedly fallen upon your shoulders. Has this high standing in the community afforded you any spiritual or prophetic powers?

JV:
Absolutely. I see more Exmormons in my future. Also bigger parties.

DB:
Sounds like true inspiration, Jerry. Thanks for imparting your wisdom here on Ward Gossip. Also thanks for being our host again this year.

JV: 
My pleasure, Donna.

One week from today!

Be there or be square!

Friday, July 24, 2015

5:30 pm

Hotel Utah Saloon

500 4th Street @ Bryant

San Francisco

415.546.6300**

**Call the bar if you get lost. Or if you're a creepy Mormon spy who wants to know what we're up to.

Help! I Need a Translator.

The Mormon message is so confusing that sometimes even Exmormons like me need a translator.

For example, I recently saw this photo circulating around Facebook. Some shared it in earnest and others with an accompanying eye-roll - the latter noting that the quote is incomplete - and therefore a bit misleading - and also that Hinckley isn't even its source.

The actual author of the quote is the late-nineteenth/early-twentieth century Unitarian minister, Jenkin Lloyd Jones. Here it is in full, the omitted lines in red:

“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey…delays…sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling burst of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”

Leave it to the Mormons delete the exciting part! But I digress. In fairness to Hinckley, he did cite Jones as the author and used the quote in its entirety in church talks. But because the late prophet, seer, and revelator bandied those words around a number of times, his devoted followers have begun attributing them to him, even abridging them. And why not? The Lord told his prophet to use the quote.

The Facebook meme appears to have originated on a page entitled "The Family: A Proclamation to the World." This is apt, since in 1995 the church released "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," a declaration that marriage is between one man and one woman, and that all human beings should marry, have children, and pursue traditional gender roles. Then two years later, sensing that they might feel marginalized, Hinckley gave a 1997 talk to single adults, employing the above passage from Jones to illustrate that for most, life within Mormonism is pretty much all tough beef and missed putts.

"All of you presumably are without marriage partners. Many of you wish you were married. You think this would be the answer to all your problems. While a happy marriage should be the goal of every normal Latter-day Saint, let me assure you that for many who are married, life is miserable and filled with fears and anxiety." 

He went on to describe the burdensome responsibility he shouldered when determining whether to issue a temple divorce:

"The circumstances behind the divorce and behind the request for cancellation of a temple sealing contain a litany of selfishness, of greed, of behavior at times even sadistic in its nature, of abuse and heartache and tragedy."

So here's where I need a translator. Was Hinckley saying that he only issued temple divorces to couples who were "selfish, greedy, sadistic, and abusive?" (Meaning nice couples who were just plain old miserable together should stay joined for the eternities?) OR was he saying that people who seek temple divorces are selfish, greedy, sadistic, etc., and to an audience packed with individuals who have requested them?

Does it matter? Probably not. But I am mildly curious.

I'm not the only one confused by the Mormon message. Consider poor Brian Dawson who was fired from his Sunday School position for using information from the church's official website in his lesson! Foolishly thinking he could teach a lesson on race relations to his ward youth, Dawson consulted a 2013 church approved article entitled "Race and the Priesthood." Obviously he needed a translator. 

"Anything regarding black history before 1978 is irrelevant," Dawson recalls his bishop saying, "and a moot point."

Okay, so does that mean that anything regarding Mormon marriage practice before the release of the Family Proclamation in 1995 is irrelevant? What exactly is relevant?

Does it matter? Probably not. But I am mildly curious. Also this could become problematic on Pioneer Day...

Fortunately I'll be celebrating at the Hotel Utah Saloon - with people who speak my language.

Oh! And Happy Mother's Day, especially to my gentle readers/mothers who will be enjoying the day without that horrific Mother's Day Sacrament Meeting.

Pioneers and Proud of It!

pi-o-neer, n: one who goes before, as into the wilderness, preparing the way for others to follow; as, pioneers of civilization, of reform, or in science; also an early settler; a colonist; as, the American pioneers.

_______________________________

One of the many things that I am thankful for is that I never made one of those phony pioneer treks that today's Mormon youth get to are forced to undergo. I imagine they vary according to area, but every participant I've spoken with has recalled the experience with the sort of descriptives one would naturally apply to a bunch of overdressed, sweaty adolescents pushing handcarts in the blazing heat.

A friend of mine, who acted as a youth leader on one of these ordeals, claimed that his ward dressed up like the Utah pioneers, went to a local (D.C. area) park or field and slogged around in circles for an entire week. -- Sort of the antithesis of an actual pioneer journey. Although it could be the ultimate paradigm for the Mormon experience.

There are all kinds of ways that people set off for new territory, not all of them hot and sweaty. And there are all kinds of reasons people choose to get out of town, not all of them altruistic. -- Maybe a man's just robbed a bank, or he's committed murder, or he wants to marry 50 women, for example.

But, in general I think pioneers are honest and brave and true. Especially those who lead themselves and others to a better world.

For example, the ExMormon pioneers who celebrated Pioneer Day last night at the Hotel Utah Saloon in San Francisco.

Westward ho! Sans handcarts and stupid costumes.

But there were some pretty cool pioneers who celebrated in Utah saloons too. Also a group of 500 pioneers who gathered near Temple Square to resign en masse from the LDS Church!

Cheers to the real pioneers everywhere. Also to the real world.

Thank Heaven For The Utah Pioneers!

--Without them we wouldn't have such cool parties.

The celebrating began for me yesterday at 4:00 p.m. when Jerry and Cheryl dropped by for a bit of wine on my patio. We discussed the pioneers, the prophets, LDS Church history and Utah culture, noting how much more enjoyable these topics were when accompanied by a good glass of cabernet. Then the three of us headed over to the Hotel Utah Saloon, where Mark and some more happy heretics trickled in for the happy hour.

Our numbers were smaller this year. It's a tough gig for people coming after work, especially since we have to clear out at 8:00 p.m. when the concert starts. Nevertheless, our usual group of diehards were there, making for another very fun party.

This is the place!

We ate, drank, engaged in loud laughter and plenty of evil speaking of the self-appointed. One woman shared an amusing genealogy chart made by a believing sibling who managed to connect her line to every famous person imaginable, including Joseph Smith (although it was unclear via which wife.)

But perhaps the most interesting conversation thread was introduced by Natalie, who wasn't there last night, but had posted on Facebook that she'd seen the missionaries collecting cans and bottles out of the recycle bins in her East Bay neighborhood. As the evening progressed and more alcohol was consumed, our members drew two opposing explanations for this activity:

1. The Church gives the missionaries such a piddly allowance that the poor schlubs are forced to steal cans and bottles out of neighborhood recycles in order to raise money for food.

2. If the missionaries fail to convert a potential tithe-payer at his front door, the Brethren have instructed them to go around back and troll through his trash. (So the Elders' efforts aren't completely fruitless.)

Warren and Teeny dropped by later and bar-hopped with some others afterward

At the end of the evening, the second theory seemed to carry the most weight, prompting Mark and I to further speculate on the drive home. Maybe, as an act of charity (or in lieu of tithing), we should deliver all of our empty wine bottles to our local LDS chapel! . . . . We'll ask for feedback on that idea at the next party. 

There is one thing I know with every fiber of my being: there will be another party!

Utah Pie And Beer Day

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Ex-Mormon Pioneers

I logged onto Facebook this morning to discover that I have five -- count them -- five friends who were born today! Wow, that's unusual, I thought to myself. Maybe there is something to this astrology stuff. Then I remembered that today is Utah Pioneer Day, the day that Brigham Young led the saints into the Salt Lake Valley, the "Fourth of July" for Mormons.

I immediately became suspicious. One of the birthday boys was my good friend, Elder Price! Another was a guy named Paternoster -- a likely relation to everyone's favorite stake president.

But then another was my friend Marilyn, who really was born on July 24. Only she lives in worldly Park City, where they call it "Utah Pie and Beer Day."

That's the holiday the San Francisco Ex-Mormons celebrate every year too.

Tonight at the Hotel Utah Saloon in San Francisco

It was way better than that cheesy parade.

Eat your heart out Abbottsville Fourth!