Thursday, March 10, 2011

NorCal Ex-Mormon Testimony Meeting

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: We would indeed be remiss if  . . .

My dear friends from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward,

Just because we're ex-Mormons doesn't mean we don't have testimonies. After all, it takes a village/ward to raise an ex-Mormon. In that spirit, we gather every first Sunday to express our gratitude for the people and circumstances that helped us to see the light.

This month our thanks went out to:

The San Francisco Ferry Building and its myriad venues for breaking the fast, the Sabbath, and the Word of Wisdom.

Brigham Young University, and its penchant for humiliating its students.

Our individual and collective role models such as:
  1. The highly respected and well educated Southern California attorney who spends his free time computing the diameter of the planet Kolob.
  2. The older sibling who was expected to be President of the United States, but ended up becoming a polygamist who makes his living filling gumball machines.
  3. The TBM dad who told his inactive daughter that he would receive her in his home if she promised not to criticize or question the church, voice an opinion, or discuss her life in general.
  4. The TBM ex-wife who tried to convince a Virginia judge that her children's father is unfit because he only spends one hour in church on Sunday.
  5. A certain "Apostle of the Lord" who is terrified of feminists, gays, intellectuals, kittens, and little factories that produce too much product.
  6. The balding Seattle Stake President who referred to himself as a Solar Powered Sex Machine during a Stake High Council Meeting.
Oxymora such as Young Women's Personal Progress, BYU Education Week, Relief Society Personal Enrichment, and Court of Love.  

The Book of Abraham

Thank god for anti-Mormon

Wedding receptions where both the bride and the mother of the bride are pregnant.

Greg Dodge


The countless Sacrament Meeting talks about tithing, temple work, and moral ambiguities such as hot chocolate and coffee cake.


The shear joy of saying FUCK.

The spirit was sooo strong!

If we have offended any of you -- or have forgotten to thank someone, kindly share your testimony in the comment field.

Also read about NorCal exmos in the news here!


  1. Awesome. I like the oxymorons...didn't know it was oxymora. You are so smart!

  2. Haha, thanks Becky. I hope everybody that reads my post uses the correct form of the plural, "oxymora," from here on.

  3. I think "oxymora" is a stroke of brilliance. I actually got goosebumps reading this post -- the good kind. Sharing on Facebook.

  4. Wow! Thanks CD. I hope that someday soon you'll be in the neighborhood and can join us.

  5. Let us not forget that no one was wearing suits or ties! I have a fervent testimony of no ties on the Sabbath.


  6. Was the SP in Seattle or Seattle North? 'cause I grew up in Seattle North (now Shoreline).

    Just curious.

  7. Hi Goldarn. Not sure, only that it was in the Seattle area.

    It happened back in the late 1980's or early '90's I believe. The man that told the story said that the SP was giving him a hard time because he had grown a beard, the rest of the High Council grew uncomfortable, and finally one jokingly suggested that the SP was jealous of people with beards because he was bald. Then the SP sucked the air out of the room by saying, "Being bald makes me a solar powered sex machine." -- sigh.

    I'll try and find out for you.

  8. Goldarn -- it was the SP of the Lynnwood, WA stake (just north of Seattle) who made the solar-powered sex machine comment. Donna is correct, it happened in the mid-to-late 1980s.

  9. Thanks Jeff. Rather than fade into history, you'd think that a "solar powered sex machine" would be household name!

  10. Oh Donna, you could never offend anyone. Now, if they CHOOSE to be offended, that is their problem. They better repent and fast, before they lose the spirit.

    Thanks for the awesome recap! We are getting to be so many that there is no way to hear all of the conversations.

  11. I know, Steve. And I forgot to include your story. You know, how a few years back you were on sick leave recovering from chemo, and the ward Young Men's presidency coerced you into chaperoning on the annual Pioneer Trek because you were "so blessed to have the time off to serve." (GAG)

  12. Donna, that is a beautiful shot of San Fransisco and I loved this line, "The countless Sacrament Meeting talks about tithing, temple work, and moral ambiguities such as hot chocolate and coffee cake. and The shear joy of saying FUCK."

    Made me smile.

  13. Thanks Russo. I've even been known to drink hot chocolate, eat coffee cake, and say FUCK simultaneously. Life is good.