Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Temple President Explains "Incident"

To: Abbottsville Temple District
From: Gordon Skousen, President of the Abbottsville Temple
Subject: The Unfortunate Incident.

On behalf of the Abbottsville Temple Presidency, I wish to convey our heartfelt condolences to the victims of the Abbottsville Temple Tragedy.

As many of you now know, early this morning temple worker Wilbur Simmons stood at the altar to officiate a routine endowment session. It started out as planned. But when it came time for Adam to receive the Aaronic Priesthood, Brother Simmons, who was unaccustomed to his new bifocals, sent the room into chaos when he accidentally hit the fast forward button.

Panic ensued as obedient temple patrons scrambled to robe, disrobe, then re-robe in the Holy Priesthood. -- A break-neck frenzy resulting in strangulation, indecent exposure, heart attack, excitement induced incontinence, and one near casualty by a brother who accidentally slit his own throat.
"The prayer circle got nasty," said Sister Lee Ann Hargen of the Abbottsville First Ward. "There was a lot of rough and tumble Patriarchal Gripping. Also, some obscene gesturing with the Sign of the Nail."
Only the best of feelings should exist within the Prayer Circle.

When played backwards
the temple film is an
episode of South Park.

Perhaps the most far-reaching damage occurred when Brother Simmons, in a desperate attempt to stop the video, hit the rewind key instead. Fortunately, he righted his mistake quickly, but not before a few Satanic messages escaped.

Only three of the session attendees emerged without injury. A thirty-two year old Pilates instructor, and two brethren in the back row who managed to sleep through the entire ordeal.

The Abbottsville Temple will remain closed until the Brethren devise a way to ensure this horrific tragedy never happens again. Among the measures under consideration are safety locks on the fast forward and rewind buttons; speed limit signs; and pressurized session rooms where, in the event of an emergency, the oxygen can be shut off and the occupants pass out.

A special fast in honor of the victims will be held this Sunday. 

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails we'll assume you're incapable of making a sound decision.


  1. Rough and tumble Patriarchal Gripping and obscene gesturing with the Sign of the Nail? Sounds like a couple of Mormon pornos. ROFLMAO!

    You know what happens when I read your blog, Donna? Every damn time it brings back a memory! Too close to home. This time: I was at the Jordan River Temple waiting in the chapel before the endowment session. Some temple worker guy approached and asked if I'd be a witness -- I was alone so I thought it was odd because there were lots of couples there.

    Turns out the male witness was an old guy who also happened to be a temple worker. Major halitosis and at least 20 years older than I was. I'm fairly certain he was looking for a wife and hoping to hook up ... and his temple worker buddies were trying to help him out ...


  2. CD, Ew!! I'll bet you high tailed it out of the Celestial Room after that session. I've never seen them choose single people to be witnesses when there are plenty of couples there. Sounds like a set up.

  3. " ... pressurized session rooms where, in the event of an emergency, the oxygen can be shut off and the occupants pass out."

    I've heard of Mormons who can just suck the air out of a room, but I never thought it was literal!

    So tell me, does magical Mormon underware guard against excitement induced incontinence?

  4. Hot damn! I always suspected the endowment video played backwards would be an episode of South Park! Cheese n rice, this is the funniest thing i've read all week!

  5. Brilliant, as always, Donna! Oh, how I've missed Ward Gossip!

  6. @Ahab, yes the Mormons are capable of sucking the air out of a room. But excitement? Sorry Ahab, not in their vocabulary. lol

    Crapstain, yes, well, actually Satan plays a much bigger part in the forward version. Also, glad I made you laugh.

    And OMG Leah, I've missed YOU!

  7. Haha! I'm chuckling at my computer. Temple slapstick, how did you come up with it? Amazing.

  8. Thank you for this. I laughed so hard!!!

  9. Deb, Jen, and Becky, glad I made you laugh, lord knows we need to.

  10. My friend from Baltimore sent me a script that would be so scandelous that it would probably get banned instantly but it chronicles the transition of using the hand and death signs and penalties as well as typical temple script responses (what is wanted?) and played out by two bruthus from the Hood on the train.

    The temple gestures are a perfect fit for gangsta signs and if done to the right rap beat could really catch on in the black communities. I think if the Mormons want to hit that market they should spruce the ceremony up a bit and give it some sparkle.

    Maybe the temple worker ladies could pad those nightgowns with some booty packs and croon in supportive hums behind the P-Diddy Temple Prez.

  11. LOL. They've gotta do something Insana D. I've never been though anything that is so simultaneously strange and dull as the temple ceremony.

  12. LMAO!!! OMG Donna, one of your best posts EVER!

  13. Thanks Sarah, as you know, I've got great material. ;-)