Friday, February 13, 2015

Mormon Erotica Film Set for Release on Valentine's Day

Fifty Courts of Love to Debut on Valentine's Day
Salt Lake News - published February 13, 2015

SALT LAKE CITY-- Tomorrow night the LDS Church will release it's newest feature film, Fifty Courts of Love. A flight of fan fiction loosely based on the LDS Handbooks of Instruction, Fifty Courts draws on the growing popularity of "Mormon Erotica," a genre aimed at the small, but enthusiastic  segment of LDS priesthood leaders who experience libidinous pleasure when witnessing the denigration, humiliation and expulsion of the most articulate and talented members of their church.

In order to enhance what producer, Hobart Graham, calls the film's "shock and awe" value, no trailer has been released and the plot remains a guarded secret. But Graham has dropped a few hints about what viewers can expect.

"Excommunication trials have always had a kinky appeal to our audience," Graham told The News. "It's basic. You've got a woman lawyer who thinks she's so big, or a PhD who thinks he's so smart. Or a gay guy. Then real men like us get to force him or her into a cramped, uncomfortable space, ask official questions, and exercise the full power of our priesthood. Submission is sweet, right? But think about how much sweeter it will be when, thanks to poetic license, we change the venue to the basement of a Utah Valley hardware store, up the physical restraints, and expand the realm of official questions."

While the movie's release is eagerly anticipated by some, other LDS Church members plan to boycott the film.

"Sounds like smut to me," said Wilma Baxter, a 64-year-old resident of Bountiful insisted.

C. Delbert Baxter, age 66, echoed his wife's disinterest. "Mormon Erotica? I'd derive more pleasure from a documentary about cheese."

But the filmmakers, as well as church officials, believe Fifty Courts will attract a larger audience as viewer excitement grows. "Mormon Erotica is quite different from the worldly variety," said Graham. "Worldly Erotica is all about kissing and fondling and groping. Our audience isn't aroused by any of that--least of all on Valentine's Day. For us it's all about . . . discipline."

While there have been no leaks from anonymous sources directly involved in the film's production, several Utah Valley Dollar Stores are reported to be completely sold out of conservative neckties.

***And congratulations to the winners of the 2014 Brodie Awards!

13 comments:

  1. I always suspected that LDS leaders got their jollies from all the denigration and debasement of excommunication. Scandalous!

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  2. No doubt those old farts take a little blue pill before each court of love … so they can be ready for when the moment's right.

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  3. I've thus far been afraid of anything even close to erotica, but it might be high time for an introduction.

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  4. Donna! What a FABULOUS title! Better than anything I could have come up with!

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  5. Perhaps there should be a warning that comes with this movie. Something like: "If you experience an erection lasting more than 24 hours loosen your tie and avoid any physical contact with the brother sitting next to you."

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    1. They better take that warning seriously!

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  6. Thanks everyone, I had too much fun with this (as President Monson might say. But, there does seem to be a bit of thrill factor attached to all this church discipline lately...

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  7. Nobody blends anger and humor as well as you, Donna. This is brilliant.

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  8. Thanks Marion. Somebody on Twitter told me I have an "ax to grind" yesterday. Ha! It's more like I'm in it for the laughs--it's better therapy.

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  9. Is this what the Prophet Joseph meant by light-mindedness and loud laughter we're all supposed to avoid?

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    1. I think the Prophet Joseph would prefer you avoid my blog, Alexis. I truly do.

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  10. So, the brothers are seriously kinky. I suspected as much from a bunch of control freaks. Will the prophets reap the profits or go farther into their secret realm? Inquiring minds want to know!

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    1. Hard to say which they like more, profits or secrets.

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