Saturday's Warrior Is A Load Of Crap

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: A postmormon review of Saturday's Warrior

Recently LDS Church spokesperson, Michael Otterson, penned a scathing review of the Book of Mormon on Broadway. In it he disparaged believing Mormons who saw and enjoyed the show, then went on to lament the bad PR the musical will bring the church, worrying not so much about "when people laugh, but when they take it seriously."

So, in the spirit of fair play, and out of respect for the believing Mormons who have seen and enjoyed The Book of Mormon on Broadway, the San Francisco postmormons decided to have a screening of God's Other Favorite Musical, Saturday's Warrior!!!

Last weekend Mark fired up our grill for yet another great exmormon event. Dodgy weather made it a tough commute for some, especially those in the East Bay, as the Bay Bridge was packed with limos filled with hyperactive prom goers. But once everyone arrived at our house, we opened the wine/beer/etc, and enjoyed our usual super-yummy potluck fare. (Some habits never die.) Afterward we retired downstairs for a viewing of the 2000 film version of the production.

Saturday's Warrior begins in the billowy clouds of heaven where we meet:

Julie and Tod: gooey young lovers who can't wait to gain physical bodies.

The Flinders Siblings

Pam: a sweet spirit who wants to be a dancer when she goes down to earth.

Jimmy: Pam's twin who is destined to "go astray."

Julie: the dewy ingenue, and Tod's main squeeze.

[Four insignificant middle children]

Emily: the adorable youngest child who will probably have to die because Jimmy is so selfish.

The Missionaries
Elders Kestler and Green: a couple of self-righteous, hubris-infused chuckleheads who ring surprisingly true to life.

Once the above are introduced through a few catchy tunes, sappy lyrics and beginning ballet choreography, a bossy temple matron prods the characters to get in line to go down to earth -- lest they miss their appointed time and, instead of going to a righteous Utah Mormon household, they wind up in some terrible place like Uganda or Madagascar. Then an even darker scenario is introduced; that is, the chance they won't go to earth at all, because of a grievous and unmentionable sin.

In my recent review, The Book of Mormon is True!, I wrote, "because the show (The Book of Mormon) begins with the premise that all Mormon boys are expected to go on missions, the audience immediately sympathizes with the two main characters in spite of their foibles." 


Employing a similar logic, because Saturday's Warrior begins with the premise that humans arrive (or don't arrive) in their earthly situations according to the aforementioned scenario, the audience immediately concludes that God is an unfair, racist asshole so intent on controlling His children that He will even stoop to blaming a kid for his little sister's death.


While the first 7 of the 8 Flinders children do land safely on earth, things don't exactly turn out as planned. Jimmy, a good looking high school kid, selfishly chooses to behave like a teenager. Jimmy's twin sister Pam, who wanted to be the dancer, ends up in a wheelchair. (No doubt thanks to some prenatal indiscretion by Jimmy.) Julie, while attractive, turns out to be a fickle ditz with the personality of a postage stamp, and a wardrobe that belongs back at the compound on the show, "Big Love." The four middle children remain insignificant, and Emily remains in heaven wondering if she will ever be born. (Also thanks to Jimmy.)


Down on earth, we arrive at the airport with Julie, her then boyfriend, Elder Kestler, and some other missionaries and BYU coeds who sing an annoying version of "Will I Wait For You?" and perform a self-conscious dance routine that is obviously designed to keep them from wiggling their tushes and exposing their knees.


Meanwhile, Jimmy is tired of singing along to "Daddy's Nose" with the family, prefers hanging out with his friends, and claims to want "plain ordinary freedom to pursue my own goals." This shocking behavior is explained through the "Zero Population" number sung by Jimmy and a bunch of mid-drift baring delinquents who lounge around a dorky looking dune buggy and dream of a day when abortion is legal. (Even though . . . it is legal.)


Thoroughly brainwashed by the Planned Parenthood gang, Jimmy flips out when he discovers his mother is pregnant, and demands she have an abortion. Mom  -- strike that -- Dad refuses, so Jimmy runs away from home. As a result, Mrs. Flinders becomes so distraught that she has a miscarriage, making Jimmy a murderer.


Then Julie finds another guy and dumps poor Elder Kestler via the production's show stopper, "He's Just a Friend/Dear John," a peppy number that alternates between a G-Rated bump and grind featuring Julie and her sisters, and a chorus line of male missionaries who perform an awkward routine that makes them look like dogs relieving themselves along a row of hydrants. (Forget the feminists and gays, the ones the Brethren should really go after are the choreographers.)


Back to Jimmy who arrives somewhere in SoCal for a "Summer of Fair Weather" with the protected sex crowd. We are left to speculate how they support themselves. -- Pushing illegal condoms perhaps? (According to the postmormon Anagrammy, that detail is in the Director's Cut.) Jimmy's holiday ends, however, when the family calls to tell him his beloved twin sister, Pam, has died. -- That's right Jimmy, now you're guilty of double murder.


Up in heaven, we see Pam dancing around with little Emily in her arms. She comforts her unborn sister by telling her that life is just a blip, a meaningless and insignificant moment. (A line that might be more aptly delivered by one of the evil pro-choicers . . . but I digress.)


We then return to Elder Kestler who has just paired up with Elder Green. They come across Tod, a chain-smoking non-member who spends his days moping around the park because he doesn't have a "cause to die for." The elders teach him the gospel, he gleefully gives up smoking, and gets baptized. -- Meaning he can now look forward to feeling dead everyday for the rest of his life.


Julie, who has broken up with her fiance, decides she wants Elder Kestler back. So she slips into a dress that resembles a denim grocery sack and goes to the airport to welcome him home. But, as fate would have it, she instead falls for Tod, whom Kestler has brought back with him. The two lovers reunite by singing the same duet they sang in the pre-life, only this time with an obvious appreciation of each other's physical body. (Not that he can admire any of her charms under that ridiculous dress.)


Finally Jimmy sees the error of his ways, shakes off the safe sex crowd, and returns home so that little Emily can finally be born. 

And all is right in Mormondom.

In the case of Saturday's Warrior, I find myself echoing Otterson. I worry about the guilt-ridden souls who take this shit seriously. Of course, that wasn't an issue for the postmormons. We pretty much laughed through the whole thing. And when we saw that there was a karaoke option on the Main Menu -- OMG! Suffice to say that Steve's tequila fueled aria was our evening's show stopper.


So how does the work of Matt Stone and Trey Parker compare to that of Lex de Azevedo? 


Let's see. The Book of Mormon is a fun romp that never takes itself seriously. It has earned stellar reviews, 14 Tony nominations, is set for a nation-wide tour, and has been the subject of many thoughtful articles and discussions about faith in America.


Saturday's Warrior is a tiresome screed (with catchy tunes) that takes itself too seriously. It has earned no recognition outside of Mormonism, is on tour in LDS ward cultural halls, and is the subject of exmormon karaoke parties. This all leaves me to conclude:

The Book of Mormon is true

and

Saturday's Warrior is a load of crap
(in the name of cheese and rice amen)

The Wisdom of Joseph Smith

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: KBYU Programming Highlight

For those of you who missed watching last night's panel of BYU Religion Instructors, here is a transcript of the KBYU program.

Panel Participants:
Homer B. Goodwin, PhD, professor of Ancient American Studies
T. Vernon Price, PhD, professor of War in Heaven Strategies
LaVar Featherstone, PhD, professor of Adamic Languages

Goodwin: Tonight we will discuss the prophet Joseph Smith. Brethren, let's begin by naming our favorite of Joseph's teachings. Dr. Price, you start.

Price: I'd say his admonition to "teach men correct principles then let them govern themselves."


Goodwin: Ah yes, Dr. Price, what an excellent concept. Joseph strongly believed in the inherent freedom of the individual.

Price: He certainly prized his own freedom.

Featherstone: Freedom is a box.

Price: Say what?


Featherstone: Freedom is a box. (outlines a square with his index fingers) A box.

Goodwin: I see, Dr. Featherstone. Very sage. Very sage indeed.

Price: I still don't get it.


Goodwin: Let's move on. The prophet Joseph also taught that the path to freedom is found through obedience.

Price: True. He obeyed his Heavenly Father's every command, even when it meant cheating on his wife, swindling his neighbor, breaking the law, and violating every code of common decency.

Goodwin: Imagine the sacrifice Joseph made when he obeyed the doctrine of plural marriage. He took on a huge burden. Some of the girls were quite young.

Price: (nods) Teenagers.

Goodwin: And don't forget he also married other men's wives. Think of the courage! Why, he could have been killed by a number of jealous husbands.

Price: Got to admit, the man had guts, not to mention stamina -- 41 wives in total.

Goodwin: I thought 33.

Price: Well now, let's see. (counts off on his fingers) There was Fanny, Lucinda, Louisa, Zina, Presendia, Vienna . . .

Goodwin: (raises his hands to a halt) We can't be sure about Vienna. I mean, yes, there is evidence of some flirtation, maybe even fondling . . .

Price: No, I'm pretty sure they went all the way.

Goodwin: Based on what?


Price: She lived in his house.

Goodwin: Just because a woman lived in Joseph's house doesn't mean she was sleeping with him.

Price: You're kidding, right?

Goodwin: Good point.

Price: The number of women doesn't really matter. The important thing is, when the spirit prompted him, he rose to the occasion.

Goodwin: Exactly. He was the picture of obedience.

Featherstone: Obedience is a closet.

Goodwin: Pure genius Dr. Featherstone! Pure genius!

Price: What the [expletive deleted] does that mean?

Goodwin: Let's go on. One thing that amazes me about Joseph Smith is that he had no example, no one to teach him how to be a prophet.


Price: He was an original, all right.


Goodwin: Completely on his own, with only the spirit to guide him.

Price: It's like he made it up as he went along.

Goodwin: Indeed he did, and thanks to him we are now members of an organization that will bring us eternal happiness.

Featherstone: Happiness is a nail.

Goodwin: Ah, what perspicacity! 

Price: Featherstone have you been smoking [deleted]?


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails we'll assume you've been smoking [deleted].

Brace Yourselves Sisters -- It's Mother's Day Again!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: Mother's Day Program

This Sunday we pay tribute to Motherhood, the most important role in the entire universe. Because of the extreme urgency of the message, this special service was planned carefully in advance, then vetted and approved by the Bishop, the Stake President, the Church Correlation Committee, the General Authorities, the Romney Campaign, and God.

Attendance is mandatory.

Below is an outline of the program along with approved excerpts from the talks:

Sacrament Meeting

Presiding: Bishop Paul Zimmerman

Abbottsville Fourth Ward -- Mother's Day Service

Conducting: Bishop Zimmerman

Pianist: Sister Peterson

Music Director: Brother Souter

Opening Hymn: #323 Rise Up, O Men of God

Opening Prayer: Brother Spencer

Ward Business: Bishop Zimmerman

Sacrament Hymn: #171 With Humble Heart

Administration of the Sacrament by the Aaronic Priesthood

Youth Speaker: Sam Renfro -- "How Our Mothers Prepare us for the Holy Priesthood."

"The 2,000 stripling warriors in the Book of Mormon valiantly fought a fierce battle against a savage hoard and emerged unscathed. When asked how they managed to endure such a chaotic blood bath, they thanked their mothers for the atmosphere they created in their homes. Our moms must keep house just like theirs did. Otherwise none of us would have survived Blazer Day Camp."

Speaker: Sister Fiona Harold -- "Mothers Who Know."

"Mothers who know have children. I mean, like, they sort of have to. Or else they can't exactly call themselves mothers. At least not ones who know. Can they?" 

Special Musical Number: Fourth Ward Men's Choir -- Praise to the Man

Speaker: Brother G. Rulon Hunsucker -- "Wife - Mother - CEO."

"Under the direction of her husband, a Mother in Zion leads a great and eternal organization. She has every reason to call herself a CEO, and receive all of the benefits that accompany the title, with the exception of a paycheck, an office, employees, an expense account, a custodial staff, paid vacation, a lunch hour, and any authority whatsoever."  

Closing Hymn: #292 O My Father

Benediction: Brother Bromley

Afterward the Aaronic Priesthood will distribute the following gifts accordingly:

Mothers of 5 or more children who have served missions and married in the temple:

 Ten gallon rose bush.

Mothers of less than 5 children who have served missions and married in the temple:

 Five gallon rose bush.

Young mothers who are raising their children to serve missions and marry in the temple:

 One gallon rose bush.

Mothers of less valiant children:

 Bare root rose.

Working and/or single moms:

 Seed packet.

Sisters who aren't mothers:

 A bag of manure. 

Upon completion of the distribution of gifts, ward members are released to the Cultural Hall for a four course Mother's Day feast, prepared and served by the Relief Society.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send the Aaronic Priesthood over with the surplus manure.

LDS Church Pans The Book Of Mormon

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake
Subject: Church Headquarters requested I forward the following:

Statement From An Official Spokesperson of

THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS

Reviews of "The Book of Mormon" musical have been all over the entertainment media in the past few weeks. According to the reviews, the play sketches the journey of two Mormon missionaries from their sheltered life in Salt Lake City to Uganda, where their training and experience proves wholly inadequate to the realities of a continent plagued by poverty, hunger, AIDS, genital mutilation and other horrors.

A few misguided members of THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS who have seen the musical and blogged about it seem to have gone out of their way to be good sports, to show they can take it, and to not appear thin skinned, defensive, self important, or mean spirited. Some even claim to have enjoyed the show. That's their choice. To each his own. There's always room for different perspectives, even those of warped, immoral, cowardly hypocrites who have too much time on their hands, but still call themselves members of THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS.

As for me, I'm not buying what I'm reading in the reviews. Specifically, I'm not willing to spend $200 for a ticket to be sold the idea that THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS moves along oblivious to real-world problems, encased in a dense, self-righteous, uninformed fog.

Somewhere I read that the show's creators spent seven years writing and producing "The Book of Mormon" musical. As I reflected on all that time spent on such a shallow and unimpressive pursuit, I also wondered what was really going on with the THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS in Africa during those same seven years.

So I checked.

• The sister missionaries have helped to eliminate poverty by teaching thousands of African women to tie quilts and sew denim jumpers.
• The elders have combated hunger by introducing millions of Africans to the amazing shelf life of Jell-O.
• Then, of course, there is the tragedy of AIDS. A couple of weeks ago I sat next to a guy at my ward potluck who went to Africa in 1984 and saw a bunch of people with AIDS and described it as "horrific." The guy, a Mormon, knows all about AIDS, and that it is "horrific."
• I couldn't find anything on the genital mutilation and other horrors.

Meanwhile, what of those thousands of remarkable Mormon missionaries who opted to serve while their selfish peers were finishing their educations, having too much fun, and writing hit musicals? Last week I spoke with BYU sophomore Carl Madsen, who recently returned from the Uganda Kampala Mission.

"I have African flags all over my dorm room," said Madsen. "And I get super-excited now when I go to the zoo."

Intent on spreading the truth about THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS, the talented young Madsen has composed an opera based on his experience in Africa.

"The musical score is way complex," he explained. "But the libido is really uplifting, and the chorus line of singing giraffes are a total show stopper."

The production is set to premiere next month in the de Jong Concert Hall.

Frankly, I am surprised that so many critics claim to have liked the "Book of Mormon" musical. I hated it -- and I haven't even seen it!

Fortunately there are a few sane voices who panned the show: The Wall Street Journal, a Jewish guy named Levi, and a certain prominent New Yorker:

"I always said the worst musical was 'Frankenstein -- It's Alive! It's Alive!!!' Guess what? 'Frankenstein' goes to second place. 'The Book of Mormon' is the worst musical ever. In the history of  Broadway, 'The Book of Mormon' is number one." 

As a humble member of THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS I urge my fellow church members to ignore our persecutors, take solace in the words of the precious few who know of our good works, and by all means do not go see the "Book of Mormon" musical.

"I am the un-ordained Mormon prophet!" 

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you're one of those thin-skinned, defensive, self-important, mean spirited members who's always choosing to be offended.

The Book Of Mormon Is True!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: I witnessed the Book of Mormon!

Way back in January a group of Post-Mormons I met on Facebook decided to see The Book of Mormon on Broadway. Mark and I figured why not join them? After all, those South Park guys write pretty good stuff. It was a safe bet they'd deliver again. But even if the show turned out to be a dog we'd still enjoy it. (It couldn't be any worse than the work it was based on.)

So I, along with several others, sent checks to a woman we'd never met, who had charged tickets to her credit card for people she had never met. Meanwhile, David, a NYC resident, made reservations at two different restaurants for large parties of people he had never met. (But none of us worried because everyone was Ex-Mormon!)

Then on March 24 I opened up my New York Times and read this rave review by Ben Brantley.

Immediately I was gripped by a dread that worsened as the days progressed. Did we really have tickets to The Book of Mormon? What if something went wrong? Like we missed the plane, or the box office screwed up, or the entire production got taken back up to heaven? Oh my god!

I WANT MY BOOK OF MORMON!

Mark was trapped in an all together different gulag, by a co-worker who repeatedly warned him of the musical's potentially offensive material. "Mr. Banta, that show has lots of swear words." "Mr. Banta, have you ever watched South Park? It's pretty irreverent." Things came to a head early last week with the following exchange: "Mr. Banta, my friend told me they say the 'c' word in that play at least fifty times!" "Exactly what do you mean by the 'c' word?" The young man shut Mark's office door, swung around, and whispered, "cunt."

Crowd clamors for a free "Book of Mormon"

Finally, on the afternoon of Saturday, April 16, we arrived at the Eugene O'Neill Theater one hour before the performance. People swarmed the entrance of the sold-out show in hopes of winning tickets in a free give-away. I pulled out my phone to call Olivia to ask if she'd picked up our tickets. But before I could dial, she was standing in front of me, tickets in hand. (My heroine.)

Olivia, me, and Mark

The Book of Mormon -- rated R

I wonder what the playwright O'Neill
would have thought.

Some thirty minutes later we were joined by more wonderful Ex-Mormons and also my cousin and his son, who have never been Mormon, but are really really good sports. We filed into the theater past an eager scalper who shouted in a thick Brooklyn accent, "Mormon? Anyone got Mormon?"

Five minutes into the performance I thanked god for the Book of Mormon.

Because the show begins with the premise that all Mormon boys are expected to go on missions, the audience immediately sympathizes with the two main characters in spite of their foibles. Elder Price is a self-righteous pretty boy goody two-shoes, and Elder Cunningham is a pudgy self-conscious schlub who tells lies to win people's approval. (Think of Nephi and Lemuel as mission companions. Or for those who haven't read the sacred text, Wally Cleaver and Lumpy.)

The missionaries' interaction with each other, as well as their efforts to convert a small tribe in Uganda provide the set up for some hilarious dialog and show-stopping numbers that rival the great musicals of the previous century. My favorite was "Turn it Off." -- Imagine an all male chorus line of tap dancing Mormon missionaries. The lights go down, then come up, and they're still singing and dancing, only faster. The lights go down, then come up again, only now they're singing, dancing, and wearing HOT PINK VESTS. It was a miracle. Another winner was "Spooky Mormon Hell Dream," where poor Elder Price is terrorized by Genghis Khan, Hitler, Johnny Cochran, and a duo of dancing Starbucks' cups. But perhaps the biggest miracle came at the curtain call, when the mostly young and unknown cast received a rousing standing ovation. What a moment for them! And deservedly so. They had served with honor, and the spirit was never stronger.

Afterward there was the party David arranged at Nocello with the usual loud laughter, light-mindedness, evil speaking of the Lord's anointed, and in my case, martinis. We even have the t-shirts to remember it by.

Jenny arranged for the shirts!
This is the back, the front says "Ban Mormon Marriage."

When Mark got back to the work today, his co-worker rushed into his office, shut the door and asked, "Mr. Banta, how many times did they say "cunt?" "None that I can recall," Mark replied. The young man slumped his shoulders and looked dejected. Mark smiled to himself.

The Three Nephites Shape History

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Brother Sid Dooley, Ward Spiritual Giant

Subject: The Three Nephites: A Historical Perspective

Faithful Mormons have long been grateful for the Three Nephites, that selfless trio from the Book of Mormon who begged the Lord to let them tarry on the earth in order to help the faithful. We've heard countless stories about the mysterious stranger who helped elderly Brother So-and-So load his LDS scripture software, or stopped a gang of thugs from meddling with a BYU coed.

But the Mormons aren't their only charges. The Three Nephites have labored the entire globe, tirelessly doing the Lord's work. Sometimes right under our noses. For example, next time you see that picture of Bill Clinton shaking President Kennedy's hand, take a good look the guy to the right of the future president. Then compare him to the guy next to Stu Sutcliffe on the cover of Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Coincidence? I think not.

Over the years the Three Nephites have moved seamlessly in and out of LDS and Gentile society, molding the Saints into the superior culture God destined us to become, and preparing the world for its eventual conversion to Mormonism. After careful research, I have come to conclude the Three Nephites might have been with Abraham Lincoln for his Second Inaugural Address, probably were at the Rathaus Schoneberg for Kennedy's "Ich bin ein Berliner" speech, and definitely were with Sarah Palin during her Katie Couric interview. 

There have also been noticeable lapses in their influence. For instance, in the early 1970's, when in a dyslexic moment one of the Nephites misread a box marked LSD and was subsequently incapacitated. Likewise in 1995 when they were all left stranded during the government shutdown. More recently in 2008, when two of the three took time off for a stint on Dancing With The Stars. These ill-timed absences may explain the emergence of Earth Shoes, the Macarena, and Joe the Plumber.

Late one night I was driving along a stretch of deserted highway, when one of my tires hit an unidentifiable object. I pulled off the road to find it completely flattened. It was dark and cold, and I had no car jack in my truck. Then out of nowhere three men appeared on foot, one with a jack in hand. At once I recognized them as the Three Nephites.

"Brothers Nephite," I said. "The Lord alerted you to my distress and you have come to my rescue."

Their blue eyes glinted, and one pointed to a spot across the highway.

"Stand over there," he said, "and you won't get hurt."

I obeyed, then watched in silence as the three effortlessly switched out my flat for my spare. Then they smiled, gave me a wave, climbed into my truck, and drove off. 

No doubt to help another in need.

I walked back to town thanking God for The Three Nephites ... also for my LDS State Farm agent.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, be prepared to either join AAA or pay for a tow truck.