Sorry Abbottsville Fourth, This Week You're Spam

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: This week you're spam

Because I am having too much fun with my granddaughter, Keya!!

She is turning 3!

What The World Is Coming To

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic

Subject: SIGN THIS PETITION!

Following the righteous lead of our fellow Saints in Jordan, Utah, some concerned citizens and I have penned the following petition to the Abbottsville School Board: 

We, many concerned parents and community members, present our petition to the Abbottsville School District Board of Education. We wish to express our deepest objection to Abbottsville High School's recent production of the play "Singing in the Rain." This production contained offensive materials not suited for a high school play and was in violation of district policy which requires drama productions to stay within "acceptable community standards." This content included a scantily clad girl jumping out of a cake, explicit descriptions of unnatural sexual liaisons (including a girl who refuses to "make love to a bush"), mockery of traditional marriage (including 2 boys dancing together, a girl and 2 boys in a menage a trois on a sofa, and the aforementioned cake number that featured a bunch of orgasmic girls cavorting in their underwear), near profanity throughout the script, and implied drug use (including a youth so high he runs up the side of a wall, and a strung out kid who is nearly arrested for splashing around in a puddle at an hour that is clearly past his bedtime.) 

This play used catchy tunes and slick choreography to support a dark and subversive pro-musical political agenda. Our tax dollars and our students, most of whom are minors, were used to support the erroneous notion that Hollywood musicals are just innocent and carefree vehicles for singing, dancing and wholesome fun. This play is part of a national campaign called the "Singing in the Rain School Theater Project." Its purpose is to inspire our students and our communities to stay up past bedtime, take to the streets, and jump around in puddles.

We demand an apology. This apology should include an admittance of violation of school district policy, an apology for exposing students to (implied) drunken tap dancing, a statement that the depiction of the Hollywood musical as "wholesome fun" did not represent the position of the school or the school district, and an assurance that singing, dancing and near profanity will never be performed onstage again.

Goal: 10,000 signatures

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails we'll assume you are up past your bedtime.

***Note from blog owner: Alternatively you could check out the "Dead Man Walking School Theater Project." It's pretty cool!

Sharing The Book Of Mormon

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward

From: H. LaVar Turley

Subject: Pass Out Those BOM's Today!

Recently a member told me that he was hesitant about sharing the Book of Mormon. He claimed to let days, weeks, months, even years pass until he found an intelligent, thoughtful nonmember whom he believed was truly interested. Then, and only then, would he share our sacred text. Sounds reasonable, right? But here's the thing:

There are no thoughtful and intelligent nonmembers because anyone with even a hint of smarts is already a Mormon!   

The flaw in my friend's logic got me thinking. We really can't afford to wait for the opportunity to present itself. Think of the poor miserable nonmember. He wants to be happy but he doesn't know how. And the Book of Mormon has every answer he needs. So I decided to make it my answer to all of the questions I was asked during a single workday, thereby inundating the minds of my ignorant coworkers with constant reminders of their one and only true way to happiness.

Here's how it went:

"Hello H. LaVar, how was your weekend?"

"Splendid Myrtle! I spent it reading the Book of Mormon. Here's one for you."

"How are your kids these days?"

"They can't get enough of the Book of Mormon. Here's one for your kids, Joanne."

"I don't have any kids."

"Do you know if there are any more coffee filters?"

"No, but you can always use a Book of Mormon."

"Can you round this estimate up to the thousandths?"

"No, but I can tell you about the thousands of people whose lives have been blessed by the Book of Mormon."

"Say, H. LaVar, my desk keeps wobbling, can you help me level it?"

"Why don't you stick this Book of Mormon underneath one side."

"The drain field kit for the septic system is on back order. What should I tell the client?"

"Tell him we'll overnight a caseload of Book of Mormons."

"Jesus Turley, you were gone for 25 whole minutes and I actually got some work done. Where the hell were you?"

"In the bathroom, Tom, with my Book of Mormon. Here's one for you to take to the stall next time."

"Turley, are you ever going to shut the f$%k up about the godd@#$ed Book of Mormon today?"

"No, Dave, I'm not."

Soon after I answered Dave's question, the office grew uncharacteristically quiet. I peeked over the top of my cubicle to see that all my coworkers had abandoned their desks. Where had they gone? There could be only one conclusion. They were all in the john with the Book of Mormon. I smiled and congratulated myself on my success.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send your request to Brother Turley who has all the answers.

The San Francisco Postmormons Are True!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: F&T at the Ferry Building

Just so you know, Abbottsville Fourth, while you were in your stuffy chapel last Sunday declaring the church is true, apologizing to anyone you may have offended, and promising yourselves you wouldn't cry, I was at the San Francisco Ferry Building having TOO MUCH FUN!! So there.

This month there was a surprise party for me! -- In honor of my new book which is now available as both a paperback and as an ebook.

Blurriness due to copious amount of champagne consumed by photographer.

But we didn't just talk books. We moved on to more important matters: Crazy Idaho liquor laws, which of course led to our favorite subject  ... The Next Party!

Our last big do was held at my house -- the ideal environment for a General Conference pot luck.

However next time we're gathering at the hip and happening home of Steve and Sarah -- the ideal environment for (what else) an LDS themed COCKTAIL PARTY! That's right, Abbottsville Fourth, and not the kind you like to throw. Potential concoctions for Steve, our expert mixologist:

Sex on the Tabernacle

Choose the Rye

Wymount Babymaker

Laying on of Hands

Cosmo's Politan

Rum & Kolob

Screwed Wifer

Dirty Moroni

Sexy Garments

Sin and Tonic

Got a good recipe? Kindly leave it in the comment field. -- And Abbottsville Fourth, next month please come to the Ferry Building! (You know you want to.)