He's Still Ex-Mormon -- And Loving It

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: He's another year older, and another year happier.

Since its beginning in September of 2009, Ward Gossip has poked fun at practically all aspects of Mormon culture, practice, and doctrine, including:

eternal marriage, Testimony Meeting, the Three Nephites, the Young Women's Program, temple garments, the Book of Mormon, Relief Society, full time missionaries, tithing, the Single Adults, the temple ceremony, the General Authorities, Mormon cuisine, kittens, BYU, General Conference, and LDS Public Affairs.
(Not to mention my scathing review of Utah restaurants on the hilarious KoriWhore's DoubleD's)

In all, I've posted 85 times, received over 450 comments, and dozens of personal emails. Most people who write are kind and encouraging. Some respectfully disagree. But so far, I have only been flamed once. It was exactly one year ago, on Mark's birthday.

Less than ten minutes after I posted "At 53, He's Still Happy, Healthy, and Ex-Mormon -- Don't You Hate That?" I received a private e-mail from an old "friend" from my childhood ward who told me I was "condescending," "hurtful," "narrow-minded," "uneducated," and "bitter." Then she called me a liar and suggested that I "just go on with my life" and keep my opinions to myself.

She closed her thoughts with, "I hope Mark enjoys his birthday and wish you the best with your family."

This bizarre missive confirmed a theory I have long believed.

Nothing pisses off a Mormon more than the existence of an openly happy Ex-Mormon.

In that spirit, I will again pay tribute to my husband of 30 years, and brace myself for the response.

Mark Steven Banta was born on March 22, 1957, in San Jose, California. He was raised a Mormon in a loving home. He enjoyed participating in church as a child, but grew weary of the faith as an adult, and eventually abandoned it.

Mormons are taught that those who leave are lazy, sinful, and doomed to a life of misery and suffering.

It hasn't exactly turned out that way for Mark, at least not over the past year. Consider the following common assumptions.

Ex-Mormons are bitter, angry, and miserable.

Schlummertrunk!

Not my sweetheart. Anyone who saw him at the 2010 Ex-Mormon Conference can tell you that, or at the Hotel Utah Saloon, or facing off Steve in a break-neck bowling competition, or at a certain restaurant in Berlin, Germany during the wee morning hours.

People who leave the church face financial ruin.
Well, he's not exactly rolling in it. But Mark continues to live on a quiet street in San Francisco, affords visits to Texas and Germany to see his children and granddaughter, and continues to hold a job in a bad economy. Believe it or not, eliminating tithing actually improved his bank balance!

People who leave the church like to look at porn.
Actually Mark's tastes are for the most part G-rated, except for church history books.

If a man leaves the church, his children will become drug addicts, runaways, and felons.

If appearances are any guide . . .

Our daughter, Emily, and Daniel

Our son, Marky, Meera, and baby
Keya

People leave Mormonism because they want to violate the Word of Wisdom, break the Sabbath and associate with bad influences.

Um, well that's true actually.

Mark has decided not to spend this life preparing for the next, and has been blessed accordingly.

As always, I am serving his requested dinner, this year stuffed bell peppers, baked potatoes, green beans, homemade apple pie, and a good bottle of wine. So there is no need, Abbottsville Fourth, to drop by with cakes, casseroles and a birthday message from The Ensign. Understand that if you do come over, you will see some very happy Ex-Mormons. -- And it will probably make you really really mad.

Happy birthday, honey.

NorCal Ex-Mormons Were In the News Again!

These ran on Sunday, March 20, 2011:

See Mark's picture in the paper! Along with Steve, Sarah, Ali, and me. Unfortunately this was taken on Easter Sunday of last year, so our turnout was relatively small. (We were six in total at the San Francisco Ferry Building, one declined to be photoed.)

http://www.contracostatimes.com/ci_17631281?source=pkg

This is an interview with former NorCal Ex-Mormon, Kerry Rutz, whom we miss.

http://www.contracostatimes.com/ci_17630914?source=pkg

Another interview with a fantastic NorCal Ex-Mormon.

http://www.contracostatimes.com/ci_17631655?source=pkg

They quoted me in this one, but got my age wrong -- I'm now 52 (sigh)

http://www.contracostatimes.com/ci_17641895?source=pkg&nclick_check=1

From Sunday, March 13, 2011:
http://www.contracostatimes.com/ci_17598506?source=pkg

Temple President Explains "Incident"

To: Abbottsville Temple District
From: Gordon Skousen, President of the Abbottsville Temple
Subject: The Unfortunate Incident.

On behalf of the Abbottsville Temple Presidency, I wish to convey our heartfelt condolences to the victims of the Abbottsville Temple Tragedy.

As many of you now know, early this morning temple worker Wilbur Simmons stood at the altar to officiate a routine endowment session. It started out as planned. But when it came time for Adam to receive the Aaronic Priesthood, Brother Simmons, who was unaccustomed to his new bifocals, sent the room into chaos when he accidentally hit the fast forward button.

Panic ensued as obedient temple patrons scrambled to robe, disrobe, then re-robe in the Holy Priesthood. -- A break-neck frenzy resulting in strangulation, indecent exposure, heart attack, excitement induced incontinence, and one near casualty by a brother who accidentally slit his own throat.

"The prayer circle got nasty," said Sister Lee Ann Hargen of the Abbottsville First Ward. "There was a lot of rough and tumble Patriarchal Gripping. Also, some obscene gesturing with the Sign of the Nail."

Only the best of feelings should exist within the Prayer Circle.

When played backwards
the temple film is an
episode of South Park.

Perhaps the most far-reaching damage occurred when Brother Simmons, in a desperate attempt to stop the video, hit the rewind key instead. Fortunately, he righted his mistake quickly, but not before a few Satanic messages escaped.

Only three of the session attendees emerged without injury. A thirty-two year old Pilates instructor, and two brethren in the back row who managed to sleep through the entire ordeal.

The Abbottsville Temple will remain closed until the Brethren devise a way to ensure this horrific tragedy never happens again. Among the measures under consideration are safety locks on the fast forward and rewind buttons; speed limit signs; and pressurized session rooms where, in the event of an emergency, the oxygen can be shut off and the occupants pass out.

A special fast in honor of the victims will be held this Sunday. 

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails we'll assume you're incapable of making a sound decision.

NorCal Ex-Mormon Testimony Meeting

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: We would indeed be remiss if  . . .

My dear friends from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward,

Just because we're ex-Mormons doesn't mean we don't have testimonies. After all, it takes a village/ward to raise an ex-Mormon. In that spirit, we gather every first Sunday to express our gratitude for the people and circumstances that helped us to see the light.

This month our thanks went out to:



The San Francisco Ferry Building and its myriad venues for breaking the fast, the Sabbath, and the Word of Wisdom.

Brigham Young University, and its penchant for humiliating its students.

Our individual and collective role models such as:

1. The highly respected and well educated Southern California attorney who spends his free time computing the diameter of the planet Kolob.
2. The older sibling who was expected to be President of the United States, but ended up becoming a polygamist who makes his living filling gumball machines.
3. The TBM dad who told his inactive daughter that he would receive her in his home if she promised not to criticize or question the church, voice an opinion, or discuss her life in general.
4. The TBM ex-wife who tried to convince a Virginia judge that her children's father is unfit because he only spends one hour in church on Sunday.
5. A certain "Apostle of the Lord" who is terrified of feminists, gays, intellectuals, kittens, and little factories that produce too much product.
6. The balding Seattle Stake President who referred to himself as a Solar Powered Sex Machine during a Stake High Council Meeting.

Oxymora such as Young Women's Personal Progress, BYU Education Week, Relief Society Personal Enrichment, and Court of Love.  

The Book of Abraham

Thank god for anti-Mormon
literature!

Wedding receptions where both the bride and the mother of the bride are pregnant.

Greg Dodge

Martinis

The countless Sacrament Meeting talks about tithing, temple work, and moral ambiguities such as hot chocolate and coffee cake.

and

The shear joy of saying FUCK.

The spirit was sooo strong!

If we have offended any of you -- or have forgotten to thank someone, kindly share your testimony in the comment field.

Also read about NorCal exmos in the news here!

For Doubting Mormons

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: For those who doubt

Over the past year, some have shared their doubts with me about the church and its leaders. A few have even confided that they might leave the faith. This would be a disastrous decision. Imagine Sundays without pantyhose and neck ties, Easter without General Conference, Christmas without tithing settlement. Not to mention an eternity spent as a lonely eunuch in one of the lower kingdoms. Not a pretty picture is it? Instead, I suggest the following strategies for remaining in the one and only true church.

Become a Cafeteria Mormon
After all, nobody can eat everything on the menu. So partake of what you can, and ignore the rest. Perhaps you don't use Amway products, hate scrapbooking, enjoy an occasional Mountain Dew, and don't behave as though sex is the sin next to murder. No worries. So long as:

1. You don't enjoy it.

2. You feel really really guilty about it.

Brandon should have known that
"some truths are not useful."

3. You're not on the BYU Basketball Team.

4. Your omissions do not include tithing, fast offering, church meetings, visiting teaching, home teaching, church callings, temple attendance, talk assignments, the word of wisdom, gay marriage protests, more than one ear piercing, splits with the missionaries, church magazine subscriptions, wearing your garments day and night, General Conference, the Glenn Beck show, food storage, and jell-o molds.

Dramatically lower your expectations.
I can't help but be surprised when ward members ask why their tithes and offerings aren't used for beautiful places of worship, qualified teachers, good speakers, inspiring music, and thoroughly vetted youth leaders.

Excuse me? Hello? We're Mormons, for crying out loud! 

Face it. If the ward toilets aren't clogged, the nursery leader makes an appearance, Brother Pukahi brings his ukulele, and you're lucky enough to fall asleep during Sacrament Meeting, consider yourself spiritually fed for the week.

Avoid anti-Mormon literature

Focus on the positive, tune out the rest.
Stop being such a grouch. Sure there are some negative aspects to Mormonism, but what's the point of dwelling on them? After all, there are so many positive things about living the Gospel.

Save yourself the aggravation by tuning out the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, the Pearl of Great Price, the Ensign, official church statements, the General Authorities, the temple ceremony, and any products or publications by Deseret Book.


Focus instead on happy things like the Primary Children's Songbook, Relief Society center pieces, and Sister Renfro's super-yummy cinnamon buns.

If after implementing the following suggestions you are still thinking of leaving the fold, remember that "inactives" are shunned by their friends, estranged by their families, and go on to lead warped, bitter, frustrating lives that end prematurely from a combination of alcohol poisoning and venereal disease.

See you all in church on Sunday! :-)

Bishop Z

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, click here to improve your religious experience.

Real Mormon Housewives

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Relief Society
From: Ruth Turley, Relief Society Enrichment Leader
Subject: Girls' Night Out with The Real Housewives of Federal Heights

Forget the Oscars, sisters, this weekend come to my premier party for the new reality show, The Real Housewives of Federal Heights. Our ward mission leader -- and my DH -- H. LaVar is taking the kids out tracting so that we sisters can have the house to ourselves to watch this honest portrayal of the selfless, joyful, and complex lives of Mormon women.


From the show's website:

The Real Housewives of Federal Heights follows five of the most righteous and deserving women in the country as they enjoy the lavish lifestyle that only Salt Lake City's Federal Heights and The Avenues can provide. The series offers a glimpse inside the world of luxurious wealth and pampered worthiness, where the wive's breasts are as inflated as their husbands' priesthood callings. These women are in the center of it all, and they have the McMansions, the mini-vans, and the spray-on tans to prove it. From the wife of a General Authority, to a fiber artist, to an heiress, to a couple of entrepreneurs, The Real Housewives of Federal Heights is Mormon Culture at its most sophisticated.

Bios:

Vanessa Carroll 

Feisty free thinker, Vanessa Carroll, is the heir to her late husband, Max "One Eye" Carroll's fireworks empire. Her liberal views make her an odd fit for this Utah group, as she actively supports many radical, left-wing notions, such as birth control, recycling, and speed limits. But the wives accept her because she is a total hottie, has tremendous style, and lets everyone borrow her clothes. 

Zina Hafen  

 This witty and charming designer's career began when she created her own wedding dress, a confection so thick with lace and billowing fabric, that she had to be hoisted into the temple via the loading dock. Sadly, her marriage only lasted one night. But Zina's line of modest bridal and formal wear has been hugely successful, as have her sex manuals and marital advice books. A political activist and champion of traditional marriage, Zina is an active member of the Utah Eagle Forum, the Utah Historical Association and the Daughters of the Utah Pioneers. She also volunteers as Utah's (now unofficial) Porn Czar.

Katty Taylor

Former BYU cheerleader and Hot Relief Society Babes calendar girl, Katty Taylor, works 24/7 on maintaining her curvaceous and stunning figure. It's a necessity if she wants to hold on to Bishop Ralph Taylor, that randy husband of hers. Two years ago, when the bad economy forced Ralph to put her on a budget, Katty took a job as a marketing director for a line of push-up bras. Today she owns the company. Recently she financed her own brow lift and liposuction, as well as breast enhancements for her 18 year old daughter, Tiffany. A philanthropist at heart, Katty donates her time and money to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and also to a center for the victims of ruptured silicon implants. She and "frenemy" Zina frequently clash over their differing business and personal philosophies.

Merrilee Cookson

Merrilee is neither witty nor charming, isn't very attractive, wears dowdy clothes, and has no particular talent, but she's on the show because her husband is an LDS General Authority.

Mindy Payson

Sweet spirit Mindy divides her time between scrapbooking, quilting, tole painting, tatting, clay art, and stamping. -- Skills that serve her well as a wife, mother, and member of the General Young Women's Presidency. She is adored by her family and friends, and often assumes the role of peacemaker. However, her fellow housewives sometimes tire of her penchant for turning everything into a doily. 

Sisters, don't forget to bring your favorite snacks, pop, and plenty of hankies. Also, after the show, we'll hold a critique/discussion, vote on our favorite wife, bear testimonies, and give each other mani-pedi's.

Who knows? Next year we may see the premiere of The Real Housewives of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward!

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, Brother Turley and the kids will tract out your house during the show.

A Word From The Bishop -- Keeping The Romance Alive

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: Appreciating our wives

They cook our meals, clean our houses, do our laundry, mow our lawns, change the oil in our cars, re-shingle our roofs, lay concrete, chop firewood, and singlehandedly bear, give birth to, and raise our children. For those, and countless other sacrifices, the wives and mothers in Zion deserve all the pampering we can afford.

My wife Carrie was applying for a semester abroad in London when I swept her off her feet and changed her plans. Someday, God willing, I'll take her there. But right now, the pressures of family, work, tithing, and church callings make such a journey impossible. I know that many of you brethren share my dilemma. But don't despair, while we may not be able to swing the overseas plane fare, with a little imagination we can do the next best thing here in good old Abbottsville, California.

Believe it or not, this Valentine's Day, I took my sweetheart on a trip to Merry Olde England!

First thing in the morning, the kids and I served Mommy a genuine full English breakfast in bed!

Their Food Hall is Famous

After that, I assumed the roll of black cab driver, loaded the pram and diaper bag into the boot, and motored everyone downtown so that Mommy could get lost in "Harrods."

Book lover that she is, Carrie dreams of browsing the bookstores on London's Charing Cross Road. This week the Abbottsville Barnes & Noble stepped up to take their place. I dropped the kids off at the Harry Potter display, then escorted my sweetie over to the Shakespeare shelves. (To enhance the mood, I downloaded the soundtrack to Mary Poppins onto both our iPods.) Unfortunately, our literary experience was interrupted when our kids' impromptu quiddich match toppled over half of the American Girls section. -- Served me right for leaving them in the care of non-members!

Carrie seemed a little frazzled after the quiddich match, so I took her home and treated her to the best relaxer there is, an authentic English High Tea. Not being a whiz in the kitchen, I had a moment of panic when I couldn't find anything resembling tea in our cupboard. But my ingenious children saved the day by scooping up dead leaves on the lawn, steeping them in a mug of hot tap water, and assembling a plate of traditional English scones.

Why go all the way to the British
Museum?

Having been refreshed by the tea, we resumed our sightseeing. While I couldn't come up with a substitute for Stonehenge, I did discover that the illustrations in an old copy of The Pearl of Great Price bore a striking resemblance to the Rosetta Stone.

The clock reminded us of Big Ben!

Of course, no visit to Britain is complete without a trip to a castle. With all of our royalty residing in Salt Lake City, this presented a challenge. But I found a solution in the lobby of Abbottsville's new Holiday Inn Express. The desk clerk was super nice, and even let us tour some of the salons.

 Finally, we ended the day with a visit to the local pub for a traditional dinner of fish and chips.

While children are a Mormon mother's pride, joy, and entire reason for being, every sister deserves a little alone time with her eternal companion in their very own five star hotel. (I even changed the sheets!) During our trip to "Harrods" I had snuck off to buy Carrie some skimpy nightwear for the occasion. But prices were way too steep! Maybe it's just as well. My wife never looks sexier than when she's wearing nothing but my old BYU tee-shirt. So while she slipped into that, I slipped next door to the Harolds' to see if they could keep the kids for a few.

Turned out Brother Harold was treating his own wife to a similar Valentine's Day travel fantasy, and was in the kitchen rescuing a charred version of steak au poivre and pomme frites. He agreed to let my kids stay and watch the final half hour of Ratatouille if I'd take his back to my house for the next half hour.

Crickey! A whole thirty minutes? That left us time to snuggle after, and watch a little ESPN.

Then we gathered all the kids from next door, came home and hosted another impromptu quiddich match, this time in our own living room.

A perfect end to a perfect day. And nobody is more deserving than my little woman! She doesn't even need to thank me!! (And hasn't, come to think of it.)

Total cost of this vacation: $15.67. (+ $200.00 for damages to Barnes & Noble.)

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send over some of the Zimmermans' home grown tea leaves.