Thursday, May 9, 2013

Abbottsville Sisters Party On Mother's Day

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Relief Society
From: Donna Banta
Subject: Mother's Day at Abbottsville's Swizzle Stick Bar

Dear Sisters,

I've attached the following invitation in the hope that you will consider this far more desirable alternative to every woman's most demoralizing church meeting of the entire year.

Especially for Mormons

Dear Sisters,
Don't want to sit through a three hour lecture on Mother's Day?

Sick of constantly being reminded of your "sacred role?"

Tired of delighting in your husbands, waiting for your happily ever afters, turning lemons into lemonade, standing in holy places, sweetening the world one drop at a time, and blooming where you're planted?

Rather spend the Sabbath getting shit-faced?

Then ditch church this Sunday and JOIN THE PARTY

9:00 a.m. Bar open

12:00-2:00 p.m. Primary Songbook Karaoke
2:00-4:00 p.m. Performance by "Mutha's Who Know"
4:00-6:00 p.m. "The Stripping Warriors"
6:00 p.m. - ????? Testimony Meeting

No cover charge

$4 well drinks to include "Sex on the Tabernacle," "Dirty Moroni," and "The Wymount Babymaker"
Turn in your 4" petunia plant/limp carnation/refrigerator magnet for a free mimosa!

--Hope to see you there, sisters. I'll be at the bar by 9:00, wearing a gingham-checked jumper and sipping a Dirty Moroni.


  1. Sign me up - those dirty Moronis and Stripping Warriors sound good to me!

  2. Should be a way spiritual testimony meeting too. :)

  3. I'll donate money for all the alcoholic beverages! Not to mention coffee for sobering up, just to get under the skin of the LDS leaders.

  4. Thanks Ahab!

    I don't smoke them, but this does sound like an occasion for some good cigars as well.

  5. Sound like a great alternative! I'll invent a new drink called a Kolobian.

  6. I wish I could be there!

  7. Sounds completely liberating! Do you think they'll stay converted?

  8. @prairienymph, no kidding, me too. We all deserve the Stripping Warriors on Mother's Day.

    @Jono, I think that Testimony Meeting will turn out to be very liberating. :)

  9. I can't attend functions of this nature yet because I'm too young to go into bars, but at some time in the future I might. Exacty wht section of the world is The swizzle stick?


    P.s. I sing that song about the army of Helaman really well, or at least I know all the words to all the verses, so I'd be totally up for karaoke.

  10. Haha, the Swizzle Stick is in Abbottsville, CA. Lt. Matt Ryan, my detective in The Girls From Fourth Ward, likes to hang out there. ;)

    The army of Helaman song, huh? I think that would be totally worth arranging a fake ID for you!

  11. Is Abbotsville in the SF Bay Area? I always assumed it was a fictitious location, sort of like Lake Wobegone.

  12. It is a fictitious location. It's an imaginary setting in NorCal that is the setting of my novel, The Girls from Fourth Ward. :)