Friday, February 10, 2012

Dropping the Satire Just for Today

For the first time since I began this blog in 2009 I am going to drop my fictional point of view out of Abbottsville and speak in my own voice from my real city of San Francisco.

This week the 9th Circuit Court decided to overturn California's Proposition 8, a decision that has drawn everything from shock to heavy criticism to near hysteria in the conservative Mormon community.

On Facebook and other forums I have heard from Latter-day Saints who defend their church's bigoted, homophobic position in various irrational ways. For example:

If gay marriage becomes legal, then gay people will be able to legally force the Mormon Church into letting them marry in their temples.
--As if the Mormons haven't successfully kept people out of their temples for years without suffering any legal repercussions.

Gays can't get married because they can't procreate.
--As if couples who adopt kids or are childless should only be allowed to form domestic partnerships.


If gays are allowed to get married, then the next thing you know, a man will be allowed to marry more than one women, or a man could marry a little girl, or maybe even a moose!
--As if a majority of Americans (who make up the courts) equate homosexuality to bestiality, pedophilia, or to that principle that the LDS Church began practicing in the 1800's and continues to embrace today. (There are perhaps thousands of Mormon men who are currently married "for time and all eternity" to more than one woman.)

I could go on, but I can already mentally see my intelligent readers' eyes glazing over. So I will jump ahead to the one argument that Mormons make that actually has some merit:

I don't question why gays shouldn't get married because the prophet speaks directly to God and the church is true. 
--This makes perfect sense if you drink the Kool-Aid. It's also one of the main reasons why some people call Mormonism a cult. And it's this premise that has enabled the LDS Church to maintain its membership, in spite of the fact that it has been on the wrong side of just about every social issue it has weighed in on.

Mormons claim that they differentiate between when the prophet is speaking "as a man" and when he is speaking "as a prophet." I maintain that the prophet differentiates between when he is speaking "to the church" and when he is speaking "to the world." Why else would the LDS Church issue this bullshit statement:


“The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints regrets today’s decision. California voters have twice determined in a general election that marriage should be recognized as only between a man and a woman. We have always had that view. Courts should not alter that definition, especially when the people of California have spoken so clearly on the subject.
“Millions of voters in California sent a message that traditional marriage is crucial to society. They expressed their desire, through the democratic process, to keep traditional marriage as the bedrock of society, as it has been for generations.
“We recognize that this decision represents a continuation of what has been a vigorous public debate over the rights of the people to define and protect the fundamental institution of marriage. There is no doubt that today’s ruling will intensify the debate in this country. We urge people on all sides of this issue to act in a spirit of mutual respect and civility toward those with a different opinion.”


Forget the fact that people outside of the LDS Church might find this laughable. Most educated Americans know that the Mormons have not always held the view that marriage is only between a man and a woman. The Brethren are aware of this. -- Or, at the very least, Church PR is. But what's important now, in the wake of this defeat, is to unite the base behind the erroneous notion that they have always been the champions of straight monogamous marriage. How do the believing know this? Church Headquarters just said. This is how the faithful are kept from realizing that they have dedicated all of their time, talent, and resources to fight on the wrong side of yet another social issue.


Now that the he's issued his statement, the prophet may go back to speaking "to the world," in the form of slick advertising and maybe even a high profile interview in which he characterizes himself as "an example."


It took 14 years after the 1964 Civil Rights Act before the LDS Church finally switched sides and extended its priesthood to black men. Since their 1978 policy shift, the Mormons have promoted themselves as a people who have always stood for racial equality. Who knows? Maybe in fifty-some years, when gay marriage is an established norm, and our president is a lesbian, the Mormons will be saying that they've always stood for same-sex marriage. Stranger things have happened.

But for now the Mormons are on the wrong side of the issue. Like the growing majority who support gay marriage, I hope that this case goes before the Supreme Court and that the decision of the lower court is upheld. But whatever the future holds, the events of this historic week have made me feel proud to be an American and a resident of the 9th Circuit. They also remind me of how grateful I am that I no longer drink the Kool-Aid.

If you wanted to stop receiving emails from the Abbottsville Fourth Ward, forget it. After suffering years of Mormon-induced depression, this blog owner takes humor very seriously and her silly side will return.
  
And don't forget to vote for your favorite Mormon-themed blogs in the Brodie Awards!

Monday, February 6, 2012

LDS Church Introduces New Line Of Educational Toys

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Joy Young, Ward Primary President
Subject: New toys for the Primary closet!

Recent studies have shown that adults are leaving the one and only true church because they come across petty negative facts about Mormon history on the Internet. Naturally, the Brethren are concerned about this phenomenon, and, open-minded free spirits that they are, have devised a brilliant solution. Full disclosure of LDS history, warts and all, for children!

How INSPIRED is that? I mean everyone knows that children are better learners than grown-ups, right? Or, as the LDS scholar, Terryl Givens put it,
"If you tell a 12-year-old child that Joseph Smith used a ‘peep stone’ in a hat to translate the Book of Mormon, he’ll think that’s cool or interesting. But when Latter-Day Saints find out about that on the Internet at age 50, they’ll ask, Why didn’t the church tell me?”
In that spirit, the LDS Church is in the process of developing a new line of educational toys. The following items are now available in the ward Primary closet.
_______________


Joseph's Kids Have Thirty Mommies
This beautifully illustrated picture book introduces the LDS preschooler to alternative lifestyles in order to prevent future prejudices, and celebrate the sanctity of "all kinds of marriages."

Joseph's Magic Peep Stone
Modeled after the popular Magic 8 Ball, this colorful iridescent orb transports early readers to the magical world of revelation.

Johnny: Will I get to have my own planet?
Magic Peep Stone: Signs point to yes!
**This toy is only available to boys

Who Wrote The Book of Mormon?
Introduce your child early to those pesky discrepancies about the origins of the Book of Mormon with this charming version of the popular board game, Clue.
The Suspects
Joseph Smith - Soloman Spaulding - Fanny Alger - Hugh Nibley - Matt Stone & Trey Parker 
The Tools
Peep Stone & Hat - Papyrus - Tapir - Urim & Thummum - Laptop
The Crime Scenes
Machu Picchu - The Hayloft - Broadway - The Dream Mine - Palmyra


Was it Solomon Spaulding with his laptop at Machu Picchu? Or was it Hugh Nibley with a tapir in the hayloft? The possibilities are endless. (Actually there are only 125.)


Mountain Meadows Paint Ball
Designed for the Ward Cultural Hall, this lively activity gives the preteen an opportunity to release his "inner savage" as well gain a life-long tolerance for LDS history. After all, it's hard for an Internet-surfing college student to feel squeamish over our bloody past, if, as a youth, he's spent his weekends whooping it up in war paint, terrorizing the girls, and shooting all the weaker boys in the backs of their skulls. 

_______________

Don't miss out on this unique opportunity to raise up a new generation of church historians. More products to come!

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we'll send over the Deacons' Paint Ball Militia. Also, you should read this companion post by Jennifer at The Cognitive Dissenter.


And don't forget to vote for your favorite Mormon-themed blogs in the Brodie Awards!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

The Annual Brodies/Superbowl/Atheists Post

To: The Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Donna Banta
Subject: The Brodies and other things

Once again, Chanson at Main Street Plaza is hosting the annual Brodie Awards for excellence in Mormon-themed blogging. The nominees are all top-notch authors and artists from cool sites such as: Letters From A Broad, Picaresque, The Cognitive Dissenter, The Republic of Gilead, Polygamy ChicOnly A Little Sugar CoatedThe (Mormon) Stake President's Blog, White and Delightsome (yes!) and Ward Gossip (if I do say so myself.)

-- And many more great blogs that I'm leaving out because I'm burning out on linking. Man, how does Chanson do that column of hers every week?

Polls close February 16, 2012, 22:22 Central European Time
Please Vote!

Also, tomorrow the San Francisco Bay Area Post-Mormons are holding their annual Superbowl Party! (Oh Christ, more links.) Everyone's welcome!

**Psst, that means you, members of the Abbottsville Fourth. Admit it, you dream of a day when you don't have to sneak into a church bathroom stall and check the score on your smart phone. Come hang with us instead. -- You know you want to. One of you actually did, and lived to tell about it. ;-) 

And finally, for my all my fellow heretics and football worshipers, may you celebrate tomorrow's high holy day in your underpants:

 

Friday, January 20, 2012

Out And About The Abbottsville Fourth

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward society columnist
Subject: Ward Society Page, vol. 2

Out and About the Abbottsville Fourth Ward
by Millie Loomis

It's amazing what a sister learns when she's out and about the ward. For example, the Harolds missed another house payment, the Turleys finally cleaned out the interior of their Suburban, and a new bed was recently delivered to the Maxwells. (An anonymous source claims that both the bed and Brother Maxwell have moved into the den.)

Other than that, love is in the air for the Fourth Ward, and just in time for Valentine's Day. Brian Miller and Tessie Smith have announced their intention to marry. The ceremony will take place as soon as possible, and will NOT be solemnized in the temple. The Sorensons escaped for a romantic weekend at their cabin at Lake Tahoe. -- I'm guessing that means Brother Sorenson finally got that prescription filled. ;) And Brother Gibson went out on an actual date!

The Relief Society again achieved 100% Visiting Teaching. Even poor Sister Banta got a visit. (The key is to arrive at her house before 10:00 AM so she isn't too ... you know.)

However tithing settlement was not so successful this year. The bishop is still waiting for the McGruffs, the Skousens, and Brother Gibson to come to his office and declare their income. If they don't do so soon, they can expect to lose their good standing in the ward, and any credibility whatsoever. Also, the bishop would like to extend his apology to the Russells. Acting on the suspicion that they hadn't paid an honest tithe, he demanded they submit their tax return. They complied -- and come to find out -- their donation really was 10% of Brother Russell's salary. (Oh dear!)

The Republican primaries have kept Brother Newsome of the Stake Public Affairs Council very busy. In addition to making cool, hip "And I'm a Mormon" ads, he's also engaged in a letter-writing campaign to stop the nosy liberals who want Mitt Romney to release his tax return. Honestly, have they no respect for privacy?

Finally, earlier this month Brother Payson was rushed to the Emergency Room with severe chest pains. Thank goodness the cause was only acute constipation! (My guess is the culprits are his sedentary lifestyle, an excessively high body mass index, and Sister Payson's Velveeta Sausage Pie.)

And that's the news from Out and About the Abbottsville Fourth Ward!

**If you don't want to be mentioned in this column, I suggest you lock all your doors, shutter your windows, disconnect your phone, and unplug your computer.**

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll send over one of Sister Payson's Velveeta Sausage Pies.


Friday, January 13, 2012

Be An LDS Supermom!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Susan Renfro, Ward Relief Society President
Subject: How to be a Supermom

Because many members of our Relief Society complain about the stresses of motherhood, I'm forwarding this transcript from a recent installment of GET A LIFE! courtesy BYU Television.

GET A LIFE!
from BYU

Sister Bailey:
Good morning, I'm Karen Bailey, hostess of GET A LIFE! Today our guest is Dr. David Doosh from the BYU Counseling Center. He is here discuss how to be a "supermom." Welcome to our show, Dr. Doosh.
Dr. Doosh:
Thank you for having me.
Sister Bailey:
Dr. Doosh, many mothers in our community complain that they can't be what some call "Supermoms," meaning that they just can't do it all. For example, a friend recently told me that she wished her husband would watch the children more often and that he would stop referring to it "babysitting." After all, he's the parent too. What would you say to this woman?
Dr. Doosh:
I would tell your friend to reframe her outlook. Yes, they are both parents, but they have entirely different stewardships. When her husband refers to caring for his own children as "babysitting" he is paying her an obvious compliment. He is telling his wife that he knows he has neither the patience nor the inclination for childcare that she possesses. The same is true when he leaves the cooking and the cleaning in her charge. 
Sister Bailey:
Interesting. So you're saying my friend's husband is really being considerate?
Dr. Doosh:
Exactly. Look at it this way. What if she were to say to her husband, "Honey, how about if I fly to Vegas and attend your convention, and you stay home and be the mom." Well, he'd probably be insulted, don't you think? 
Sister Bailey:
Yes, I see your point. Now, Doctor, what advice would you give the mother who just doesn't have enough time or energy to complete all of the chores on her list?
Dr. Doosh:
First off, she needs to prioritize. She could begin by recognizing that as head of the household, her husband's needs come first. Accordingly, the top of her list should include things like "food" and "sex." After that, "laundry," "carpool," "vacuuming," etc. Then at the bottom, things like "personal time."
Sister Bailey:
So if she can't do it all, she can at least accomplish the important things. 
Dr. Doosh:
Yes, and I'd also tell her to quit thinking of it as a "list of chores" and start thinking of it as a "list of opportunities." For example, instead of bemoaning how much she hates cleaning the toilet, she could be grateful for the opportunity to eliminate her husband's waste.
Sister Bailey:
I sure enjoy flushing my husband's waste.
Dr. Doosh:
My wife says the same thing! It's a natural feminine reaction. Remember it's not the task. It's the task itself. If a woman would stop reacting to the task, and start appreciating the task itself, she'd lose sight of the task, love the task itself, and stop overreacting to the tasking. I think... Anyway, it's not personal.
Sister Bailey:
What about the mother who is depressed because her life isn't turning out the way she expected it would? How would you help her meet her expectations?
Dr. Doosh:
I'd tell her to lower them. After all, who does she think she is? I'd also tell her to learn to laugh. Laughter is a huge buffer. When she feels like crying -- laugh. When she's exhausted and wants to lie down -- laugh. When she's so angry she wants to scream -- laugh. My wife laughs all day long. It's marvelous.
Sister Bailey:
One final question, Doctor. I have a dear, dear friend who told me last week that she just isn't cut out to be a wife and mother, that she has neither the desire nor the skills to fill that role. What would you say to her?
Dr. Doosh:
I'd say she's being too hard on herself. I mean she must have a few talents. At the very least, she's probably good in bed. That's something to be proud of. So she should focus on what she's good at, and in the meantime work on developing the other skills. For example, she could take a cooking class.

Sister Bailey:
I have been talking with Dr. David Doosh of the BYU Counseling Center. Thank you for sharing your excellent advice with our viewers, Doctor.

Dr. Doosh:
You're very welcome! 
Sister Bailey:
Next week on GET A LIFE! my guest will be Dr. Nephi Gladstone from the BYU Medical Center. We will discuss how temple garments can increase sexual fulfillment. Be sure and tune in!

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, you're probably confusing the task with the task at hand.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Fielding Those Pesky FAQ's

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: H. LaVar Turley, Ward Mission Leader
Subject: Setting the record straight

As we head into 2012, the Romney and Huntsman candidacies promise to bring more scrutiny of the LDS Church. Unfortunately, this may lead to the spreading of many lies and misconceptions. So, now more than ever, it is essential that we are prepared to answer all of those Frequently Asked Questions. For example:

Do the Mormons really believe that God lives on a planet named Kolob?
Answer...
No. That is a complete misconception. Kolob isn't a planet at all. It is a star near the planet that God lives on.
Do the Mormons practice polygamy?
Answer...
No again. That is a bald faced lie. In fact, polygamy isn't even doctrine. Except for that part in the Doctrine and Covenants about how righteous Mormon men go on to become gods who impregnate hundreds of wives and populate their own planets.
Are the Mormons Christians?
Answer... 
Yes! In fact the Mormon Church is the only true Christian church. That is because we believe God flew from His planet (not Kolob) to our planet (Earth) and had sex with another man's wife (Mary) who then gave birth to His literal son, Jesus -- who went on to have His own plural wives and planet.
Also because we call ourselves The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints.
Are Blacks given equal status in the Mormon Church?
Answer... 
Absolutely! Now that God has forgiven them for their cowardly conduct in the Pre-Existence, the descendants of Cain are entitled to all of the blessings of the Priesthood. So long as they are male, straight, and don't get too far above themselves.
What is the Mormon Church's stand on Same Sex Marriage?
Answer... 
Same Sex Marriage is a strange, perverted and bizarre practice that is at odds with Heavenly Father's definition of traditional marriage. That is, that marriage is between one man and hundreds of women who help Him populate his planet. (Not Kolob.)
When will Mormon women be given the Priesthood?
 Answer... 
When pigs fly.


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***Note from blog owner: No offense to Brother Turley, but I think Justin is a far better spokesman. Only those nit-picky admins on mormon.org took down his profile. -- WTF?


What blessings can you receive from reading the Book of Mormon, the Bible, and other scriptures?

Justin answered...
About the same blessings you get from reading The Lord of the Rings or any other work of fiction.