An Ex-Mormon In Paris

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward, and the seven wonderful followers of my blog
From: Donna Banta
Subject: A BYU alum finally sees Rodin and other things

Friday, May 21, 2010

Around 9:00 AM
Paris, France.

Mark and I had breakfast at our hotel, then walked a few blocks to the Musee Rodin, housed in the former Hotel Biron. It was a glorious day, the garden was just coming into bloom and boasted a stunning view of the Eiffel Tower. Seeing Rodin's work was a treat for a pair of disgruntled BYU grads shamed by their alma mater's censorship of a Rodin exhibition in the Fall of 1997. After requesting, authorizing and paying for the exhibit, BYU decided to ban four nude sculptures immediately before the exhibition opened on October 27, 1997. One of the censored sculptures was The Kiss. A Sunstone Magazine article quoted the following:


An AP story, which was picked up nationally by newspapers such as USAToday, quoted [BYU Art Museum Director Campbell] Gray as saying,"We have felt that the nature of those works are such that the viewer will be concentrating on them in a way that is not good for us."


That same day the Church owned Deseret News further quoted Gray as saying that the excluded pieces did not convey a positive message about either Rodin or the exhibition. "Nudity isn't the issue, it's more the latter [lack of dignity] ."


The Salt Lake Tribune also quoted the museum director in an enigmatic statement: [The decision to exclude] "is more a process of trying to ensure that the integrity of the exhibit is maintained." The Tribune also noted that Gray denied that censorship is occurring and quoted him further: "Censorship connotes a sense of fear. If we had a sense of fear. we wouldn't do this because of the media attention we are drawing." Read the full article here.

Another of the censored sculptures, Monument to Balzac, was described by then BYU President Merrill J. Bateman as a "nude male in the act of self-gratification," an interpretation that drew a slew of incredulous reactions from serious art critics, as well as a bunch of mean-spirited sarcastic bile from ex-Mormons like me.

Among the many ironies of this idiotic episode was that patrons of the BYU exhibit could purchase books that included pictures of The Kiss and the other Rodin nudes at the BYU museum bookstore. Moreover, BYU art students were allowed to study the censored works in their classrooms, but not view the real things when they were on their campus.

So here I am, at long last, viewing The Kiss:

Guess I should have studied with these guys instead of at BYU:

Parisian Primary Grade Students Preparing to Sketch Rodin's "The Age of Bronze."

Around noon
Paris, France

We lunched at a sidewalk cafe across from the Musee Rodin. To-die-for goat cheese salads, a carafe of rose wine, one raspberry tart, and two cafe cremes. Then we strolled around Paris until it was time to leave for our flight.


                                                                  

Around 10:00 PM
New York, New York

We'd come through customs at JFK, freshened up in our Mid-town hotel room and were now strolling the streets of Manhattan. The night was clear and warm enough for just shirtsleeves. My past visits to New York have been uniformly pleasant, and entirely absent of New Yorkers' fabled rudeness. That was until tonight:  (Caution advised.)

The LDS temple's proximity to Lincoln Center seemed, to say the least, disturbing. From now on, my image of sophisticated Manhattanites attending a performance of The American Ballet Theater, or enjoying the talents of Yo Yo Ma will be overshadowed by the scenario playing out across the street. That is, the Mormons, dressed up in Pillsbury dough boy hats and green satin aprons, exchanging secret handshakes, waving their arms around, then retiring for "celestial" meditation in a room that resembles the lobby of the Sacramento Radisson. I must admit, Gotham does have its share of kooks and crazies.

We abandoned the LDS temple for dinner at a sidewalk cafe. Seated around us were couples engaged in discussion about the plays and performances they'd just come from. Mercifully, we heard no mention of the Patriarchal Grip. Then we strolled past Central Park to our hotel, marveling at having viewed the Empire State Building and the Eiffel Tower on the same day.                                  
                                                                                                      
12:45 AM (Technically May 22)
New York, New York

The bar at the hotel was open for 15 more minutes, so we ordered a couple of martinis. Wow! Mark and I closed out a bar for the first time since . . . oh yeah, we went to BYU.

Because her last e-mail made no mention of the Musee Rodin, I've sent Sister Millie Loomis a complete photo gallery of Rodin's nude sculpture.

Paris Mormon Style -- The One and Only True Tour

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Sister Millie Loomis, self-appointed ward media and culture critic
Subject: My life in France

When the See Zion First's Temple Trip For Gals capped at 200 within the first hour of registration, I instead chose their tour of Paris. Why not? All of my life I've longed to see the marvelous City of Light through the protective lens of the LDS Church. I testify to you, brothers and sisters, that See Zion First delivered all of that and inside of a week.

Friday, Day 1: We disembarked our plane and were met curbside by Europe Second Branch President Pierre Sorenson who whisked us to his picturesque meeting house with its sweeping view of the Charles DeGaulle Airport. After vacuuming the carpets and scrubbing the bathrooms, we unrolled our sleeping bags on the cultural hall floor and slept off our jet lag.

Saturday, Day 2: We got a taste of the Latin Quarter when we helped the Maxwell family move into their charming flat in a fifth floor walk-up in the 6th arrondissement. They graciously treated us to a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Then we returned to the branch meeting house for a genuine Parisian revue performed by the Mia Maids.

Sunday, Day 3: Since church started in the afternoon, we spent the morning collecting Fast Offerings, then attended to our various assignments in Primary, Relief Society, Sunday School and Priesthood. I had the good fortune to be stationed in the Nursery. After church we enjoyed a scrumptious "Break the Fast" meal of cassoulet de tater tots, citron vert Jell-o, and Mormon pommes de mort.

Monday, Day 4: We introduced ourselves to the locals by going out on splits with the missionaries. We were amazed by how many Frenchmen left their doors unlocked, and by how annoyed they were when we walked through them. We discussed this phenomenon over Rice Krispies Treats after our Family Home Evening French Hymnal Karaoke.

Tuesday, Day 5: We headed to the stake cannery where we happily donated our time for the welfare of others. The result? Two hundred quarts of haricort verts for the French saints.

Wednesday, Day 6: Sightseeing! Elders' Quorum President, LeVar Lafitte, sprung for a one hour bus rental from a local U-Haul and gave us a whirlwind tour. I did my best to capture it on film:

The glass sculpture outside of the Louvre inspired President Lafitte to describe his latest business venture.

As a result, I am now a distributor of Frere Featherstone's Miracle Hair Grow.

After returning the bus, we stopped at a genuine Parisian cafe, where we ordered omelettes stuffed with stinky cheese and fizzy French water. Hate to say it, but the meal was something of a let down. The food paled in comparison to the French cuisine served at Sunday's Break the Fast. Also everyone around us was smoking and drinking and eating chocolate. The Metro ride home turned out to be a harrowing ordeal, as we found ourselves surrounded by the Parisian non-member community. Sister Jamison nearly passed out after witnessing something shocking. Luckily the Priesthood was on hand to give her a blessing, and we were soon back in the loving embrace of the saints from the Europe Second Branch. The testimony meeting that evening was c'est magnifique.

Thursday, Day 7: We said tearful good-byes to our French brothers and sisters, then boarded the plane for America. Not a one of us slept on that flight, as we were too busy reminiscing about the sights we saw, the people we met, the food we enjoyed, and the wonderful time we had thanks to LDS owned See Zion First.

After all, only the church could send us on a trip like this.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll alert a distributor of Frere Featherstone's Miracle Hair Grow.

LDS Women Brace For Another Mother's Day

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman
Subject: Mother's Day Sacrament Meeting

In anticipation of the inevitable complaints about this Sunday's Mother's Day program, I remind you of a previous Sacrament Meeting under the direction of Bishop Brent Loomis, whose shocking murder remains unsolved.

Sacrament Meeting

Presiding: Bishop Brent Loomis

Abbottsville Fourth Ward -- Mother's Day Service

Conducting: Bishop Loomis

Pianist: Sister Peterson

Music Director: Brother Souter

Opening Hymn:  #27 Praise to the Man

Opening Prayer: Brother Harold

Ward Business: Bishop Loomis

Sacrament Hymn: #171 With Humble Heart

Administration of the Sacrament by the Aaronic Priesthood

Youth Speaker: Brad Miller -- "Honoring my Priesthood: How I Preside Over my Mother."

Speaker: Sister Rae Ann Darcy -- "Scrapbooking is Special."

Special Musical Number: Fourth Ward Men's Choir -- See the Mighty Priesthood Gathered

Speaker: Bishop Brent Loomis -- "Dressed for Satan's Success: the effect of the feminine pantsuit on our society."

Closing Hymn: #340 The Star Spangled Banner


Benediction: Brother Renfro


***While worldly churches wallow in appreciation today, we, as members of the one and only true church, will focus on what really matters: worthiness. In that spirit, rewards will be meted out as follows:

Mothers of 5 or more children who have served missions and married in the temple: Horseshoe floral bouquet.

Mothers of less than 5 children who have served missions and married in the temple: Two dozen roses.

Young mothers who are raising their children to serve missions and marry in the temple: One dozen roses.

Mothers of less valiant children: Wrist corsage.

Working and/or single moms: One carnation.

Single sisters: A dandelion.

Upon completion of the distribution of gifts, ward members are released to the Cultural Hall for a four course Mother's Day feast, prepared and served by the Relief Society.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll send you a dandelion.

LDS Church Public Affairs Wants YOU!

To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Members needed for LDS Public Affairs

We Mormons have taken some hits lately. First the Romney presidential campaign drew a barrage of questions that stumped LDS leaders, embarrassed members, and rendered the former governor incapable of composing a straight answer. At the same time, we were persecuted by left-wing extremists who claimed that our inspired leaders in Utah had no business telling Californians whom they could marry. Then Hollywood produced a film that exposed the Mormons as the perpetrators of the Mountain Meadows Massacre. -- This after years of the Church successfully blaming the Indians. Add to that, HBO created the hit show, Big Love, based on the false premise that polygamy has been practiced in Utah, and that the Mormons have had something to do with it.

In the wake of this firestorm of negative and unfair press, the Brethren have humbly and prayerfully discussed how the LDS Church can improve its relations with the non-Mormon community, and soften its image to the public. Their solution? Pass the responsibility on to the members, of course. Hence the creation of the exciting new Church Public Affairs Committee. That's right, brothers and sisters, thanks to your inspired leaders, now every member is a publicist!

President Knightly and I are in the beginning stages of staffing our Stake Public Affairs Council. In the meantime, here are some things each and every one of you can do.

Start with your neighbors.
When you see your neighbor in his front yard, don't just ignore him as usual. Say "hi," make small talk, invite him to your house for a church approved, yet sophisticated beverage. (Fizzy water with a lime wedge is nice, as is an attractive service of herbal tea.) Then steer the conversation to church promoting topics, such as your monogamous marriage, or the King James Version of the Bible. Be aware that non-members make friends differently than members, that is, over a period of time, based on common interests, and with no hidden agenda. Quickly find out what he likes to do, learn to do whatever that is, and don't invite him out to church. (Yet.) Also, next time you borrow his power saw, return it.

Share your talents.

We all received gifts in the Pre-Existence, right? Now is the time to tell the world. Don't worry about developing a real talent. Fortunately today's market no longer requires that. Anything that will land you a spot on reality TV should do the trick, such as singing, dancing, an ability to eat things that turn people's stomachs, or a personality so shallow and vapid that others will find you amusing.

Prepare yourself for interviews with the press.
As we become more visible in society, there will be the inevitable inquiries from the media. In anticipation of this, the church has comprised a list of approved journalists who respect our beliefs, share our values, and are not obsessed with the facts. But even the most sympathetic interviewer may not be able to translate our jargon to a non-member audience. What means one thing to us, may mean an entirely different thing to the world. Memorize the following substitutions:
ward  --  local congregation
bishop  --  local ecclesiastical leader
elder  --  19 year old boy
the Lord's university  --  BYU
the Lord's senator  --  Orrin Hatch
the anti-Christ  --  Secretary Clinton
whiny, bitter ingrates -- former Mormons
truth  --  opinion
revelation  --  opinion
testimony  --  opinion
persecution  --  opinion
apologetics  --  lies
prophet, seer, and revelator  --  chief executive officer
church  --  corporation


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you need a translator.

LDS Young Women Think Pink!

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward Young Women

From: Sister Renee Newsome, Ward Young Women's President

Subject: Put on your PINK thinking caps, girls!

Here are some suggestions for the Values experiences you need to fulfill your LDS Young Women's Personal Progress. Pick one that best suits your own choice, sweet, and individual spirit. 

Faith

Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Ask an old lady in the ward to tell you how her decades of obedience to the Brethren, along with her expert baking skills, have ensured her a spot in the highest level of the Celestial Kingdom. Bake a batch of cupcakes with PINK icing.

Divine Nature
Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. List the divine qualities you were endowed with in the Pre-Existence, such as sweetness, subservience, thriftiness, buxomness, a flair for macrame, a profound lack of curiosity, etc. Pick your favorite divine quality and embroider it onto a PINK pillow case using PINK thread and surrounding it with pretty PINK flowers or sea horses.

Individual Worth
Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Prepare to receive your Patriarchal Blessing. Learn who can give Patriarchal Blessings. Write an essay entitled Why I Can't Give a Patriarchal Blessing. Be sure and use PINK paper and PINK ink.

Knowledge
Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. List some skills that will help you in your future career. Ask a little old lady in the ward to describe what the industry was like before the invention of the home food processor. Then make some really cute animal shaped sugar cookies with PINK frosting.

Choice and Accountability

Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Vow to avoid bad choices based on worldly logic and selfish personal preferences. Commit yourself to the One and Only True Church in spite of the consequences. Compose a poem entitled, Fun and Important Things my Non-Member Friends Get to Do but I Don't. Then print it in calligraphy on PINK paper using PINK ink.

Good Works
Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Learn about the neediest in society by talking to your dad, bishop, or even by reading a newspaper. Develop skills to help the needy, such as sock darning, mending, candy making and cross stitch. Crochet a dozen blankets and send them to Darfur. Be sure to use PINK yarn.

Integrity
Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Commit to standing for righteousness before your less-active and non-member friends. Cover your school text books with PINK paper, do your class work in PINK pen and pencil, and wear only PINK to school for a month. (Don't use PINK pencil to fill in the bubbles on computer scored tests. It doesn't work.)

Virtue

Read The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Embroider Marriage Between a Man and a Woman is Ordained of God onto a PINK pillowcase. Then study what the prophet Brigham Young taught about traditional marriage. Check out the CleanFlicks version of Steel Magnolias and freeze frame the wedding scene until you can tell the difference between BLUSH and BASHFUL.

If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, click here and press the play button.

Write Your Own LDS General Conference Talk

To: Donna Banta
From: Mark Crawford
Subject: Mother's visit

Dear Donna,

Mother was in town for General Conference. So, instead of the usual three hour marathon with her at church, Byron and I were sentenced to twelve hours with her and the General Authorities in our living room. By now Mother has come to terms with the fact that I live with a man, and that I no longer obey the Word of Wisdom. This mercifully allowed Byron to mix multiple pitchers of martinis to accompany the talks. (Although Mother did ask what was in a martini, and when I told her she said, "Oh p-shaw!") Nevertheless, by the Sunday afternoon session, she was drinking them too.

Since you and the other lucky post-Mormons were living it up at the San Francisco Ferry Building, Byron and I decided to compose a synopsis of what you missed:

Generic General Conference Talk 

by Mark and Byron

Check all that apply.

Brothers and Sisters, today I would like to speak with you about:

a. obedience.

b. sweet little old ladies.

c. your filthy minds.

I know that many of you struggle with your commitment to the Gospel because of:

a. these trying economic times.

b. your addiction to porn.

c. your warped desire to have "fun."

For those who harbor such selfishness, I invite you to consider the least fortunate among us. Last month I visited a tiny LDS branch in:

a. Calcutta.

b. Mozambique.

c. Queens.

After church, the branch president invited me into his hut, where his wife offered me:

a. her last few drops of Hawaiian Punch.

b. a box of lime Jell-O.

c. the remainder of the strained carrots she was feeding her infant. 

I asked the young president if he was in need of any church welfare. He immediately waved me off, and said that he and his flock preferred that the church devote its resources to:

a. eliminating the Internet.

b. defining the word, "marriage."

c. developing a line of modest prom dresses.

While the generic G.A. reads the following lines, cut from his face to any or all of the accompanying pictures.

Would that we all had such faith! But then none of our trials are as great as those of our ancestors. Consider the sacrifice of my Great-great-great:

a. Uncle Hyrum who died defending traditional marriage.

b. Aunt Eugenia who dug Uncle Hyrum's grave with only a teaspoon.

c. Grandfather Maxwell, who went to the Sweden, Stockholm Mission and converted over 100 women.

In closing, brothers and sisters, I leave you my testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel. I bear witness that our Savior expects each and every one of you to:
a. pay a full tithe, attend all your meetings, go to the temple, magnify your calling, do your genealogy, have a year's supply of food, serve a mission, marry, raise at least 6 kids in the church, then serve a senior mission.
b. pay a full tithe, attend most of your meetings, have a temple recommend, and do your home/visiting teaching.
c. at least pay your tithing.

In return He promises:
a. you won't have a single minute to yourself.
b. you won't have time for any "fun."
c. there will be no money left over to spend on porn.

As I told Bishop Z, it was the most mind-numbingly boring crap I've ever seen on TV. And now I'm all out of vodka.

Regards,
Mark